My "WOW-AMAZING" Girl Story

Messaging someone online is easy, meeting someone from an online website however seems to be a little bit more complicated...

Earlier in the year I received a message from Sandra (of course not her real name). She was not living in Brighton yet but she was planning to move down in the spring and therefore, she messaged me to meet some new people before her arrival (I suppose that other girls on the site too).

I thought that she look quite nice in her pictures so, I answered her message a week or so later since I don't check my messages on dating sites often. It took her a couple of weeks to answer back and then, it took me another while to answer her back again.....

We exchanged messages for a long while, however, I prefer to meet up with the person soon rather than later because I think that meeting someone in real life is the only way to see if there is chemistry or not between two people and exchanging an endless amount of messages without knowing the person makes the situation more uncomfortable if, once you meet, there is no chemistry.

Finally, she was visiting Brighton one weekend and so, she asked me to go for a coffee. It took me a few days to see the message but finally, I accepted her invitation hoping that she would answer me back in time as I send my confirmation the day before her proposed date for the meeting.

However, she has yet to reply back confirming the place and time for the date. I don't blame her as I myself don't check my inbox every day, but if I'm expecting someone's confirmation, I would try... In any case, her first round of moving stuff down and packing took her longer than expected and she could not have made it to the coffee date anyway... I'm not sure if it was an excuse or not, but I confess that in a way, I felt bad about my late reply and hence, somehow responsible for the failed attempt to meet up... She apologized for not having replied in time and asked me for a second chance.

It took us a while to find a suitable time again since she was not living in Brighton and I was quite busy at the time. Finally, we agreed on a date and, this time, we exchanged phone numbers so we could both make sure that we would receive each other's messages on time.

The date came and we met up at the train station, it took me a while to recognize her as her hair was very different from her pictures. She told me that she had an appointment with the hairdresser in the morning and I, really hoped she did not go through all that effort just for the date. One thing is not putting any effort at all into your appearance on a first date like "my save the closeted lesbians' project" date or the "Polish-looking tall accountant" and another is to make TOO much of an effort... She looked nice but somehow different from her pictures... I guess that no one looks in real life as in their profile pictures...

Anyway, we walked down from the station to the seafront, we grabbed a drink and sat on the beach. She was very nice but somehow overly enthusiastic. It went to the point that I started to count in my head the number of times that she was saying "WOW" and "AMAZING" ("WOW-AMAZING!" combined scored double....) When the count rapidly passed double digits I decided to stop... What was I doing? I was judging her without even knowing her... For all I know she might be just a bit nervous and has not realized that she is repeating the same filler phase compulsively... I can also be socially awkward sometimes, particularly on a first date with a pretty girl, so, I decided to concentrate my focus on her and not on her annoyingly repetitive reaction to my words...... So, I asked about her.

She told me that she had a bad time coming out since her family was not very supportive, however, her little brother was also gay. It is funny that it is not the first time that I meet a gay or a lesbian that has also had another gay sibling. There is currently genetic research that is investigating this phenomenon since it seems to be more common than we think and it makes sense.

I believe that we are born this way, whether is genetics or the influence of hormones during pregnancy or a combination of both. Homosexuality is definitely not a mental illness, has nothing to do with having any kind of sexual trauma in your childhood or having a controlling mother. Developing feelings for another person from the same sex is how some of us are wired and denying those feeling to conform with the straight-oriented society is unnatural and cause a lot of inner pain to the individual.

Anyway, back to the date... After about two hours of talking about homosexuality, career changes and Brighton in general, the date came to an end. I had my housemate's Birthday party to attend and she had plans for the night with some friends so, we walked up to the clock tower and took different paths.

The first date was nice, although we didn't run out of conversation I think that we didn't particularly "Click".... But, what does "Click" mean? Online dating is a very strange way to meet up with people as in real life you tend to meet people gradually, but in the online world everything happens on dates and there seems to be quite a lot of pressure on them...

So, my evaluation of the date when as follows: She was very nice, very pretty, a little bit over-enthusiastic but a nice company overall... We didn't "click" immediately, but considering the awkwardness of internet dating in the first place, we had a smooth date and so I decided that if she wanted to meet up again, I will accept her invitation...

She messaged me for a second date I accepted.

However, it seems that since she was having a lot of problems in finding a place to live in Brighton and I was very busy., it was quite impossible to find a suitable time.... we arranged a date but she ended up cancelling because of a last minute "thing" that happened whit the relative with whom she was staying in Worthing... We re-scheduled again but for some other reason that I forgot we cancelled again...

Finally, we scheduled another date and, due to the fact that the day before I had another online date that went considerably better than the date with her, I was not "over-enthusiastic" about going on another date with Sandra...

She send me a message to confirm the date saying: "Do you have time to meet up or we can rearrange?" implying that she also wanted to reschedule and was not over-enthusiastic about meeting me either, so I replied that I had my housemates' graduation party, which was true and so, we agreed to re-arrange another date, that never happened at the end as I think that we both got tired of the endless exchange of messages to find a suitable time to meet up.

I recently read an article about dating and the FUCK YES/ FUCK NO rule that essentially said that if you are dating someone that is not completely excited about dating you, the most likely outcome will be to end up in a game-playing relationship with a lot of drama... in this case, we both seem to want a second date but perhaps just because the first one was "nice" but we both felt that it wasn't AMAZING, so, I think that in a way, it was better to leave it there... I hope that she has found love in Brighton and has solved all of her housing issues.

Picture taken in Brighton Beach (2014)

PS: Does love a first sight really exist or should I have tried to go on a second date with the WOW-AMAZING girl?

"Somebody that I used to know" - Part II

As much as I hate to split in two my stories, I currently don't have enough time to write as much as I would like to, so I apologize to the readers (if there is actually anyone reading....).

On top of that, I recently had a bike accident with a consequent head concussion that seems to be taking longer to recover than expected. In case you are wondering, my bike accident has nothing to do with the girl in the story, she didn't run over me, I just fainted while cycling, but that's another story... Maybe I'll write about it later on, but now I need to finish what I started, so I'll get back to the story of the girl that I used to know....

As I explained in the first part of the story, I was going through a tough time with my work and the blond-looking lesbian girl was very supportive and a good listener. One Friday night she invited me for dinner, she mentioned in the message that the tall gay men from the welcome event and a few other people that we met that same night were coming as well.

When I arrived at the restaurant, she told me that in the end, it was just going to be just her and I. They all seem to have cancelled last minute....

So there we were... having a proper date night with candles and exotic food. During dinner, we talked about trips and she told me that once she bought a plane ticket to Cuba to fly on the same day as she wanted to see her girlfriend that, after three years of relationship, had moved to Cuba for a few months.

She told me that she could not stand the distance and felt that the relationship was falling apart because of that. At the end, they broke up, but she described the trip to Cuba as the craziest thing that she had ever done for love.

I was a bit confused.... so my instinct was right, she was a lesbian, or at least bisexual, as she had a three years relationship with a girl in the past, however, she was currently in a formal relationship with a guy that was financially supporting her. She also told me that she met him when she was working as a security doorman in a club in Leeds (a very lesbian job choice...) and that they both shared a passion for martial arts, kickboxing and other forms of one-on-one combat (also a very lesbian sport choice).

After dinner, we went to grab a drink at The Druids Head, one of the oldest bars in Brighton where for the last 400 years Brightonians and foreigners, just like us, have been sharing their intimacies and stories.

We were sitting in a bar, sharing a drink on a Friday night when the song "Somebody that I used to know" started to play. She knew the song and told me that she really loved it but I for me, the lyrics and melody was new to my ear. Little I knew at the time that the song was narrating our future story...

The following morning, I woke up thinking about her. That was a bad sign!

Something inside was warning me about repeating again the same love-heart-broken pattern that I've learned in the past. I tended to fall in love with straight or 'not ready to come out' girls that always broke my heart...

But this time, I was determined to avoid falling into my old habits, it was as if my unconscious mind didn't want me to be happy and I was self-sabotaging my own love life. Love for me was a painful feeling of frustration as I only knew how to love by falling in love with the wrong girl. In a twisted way, the pain made me feel comfortable.... happiness in love was (and still is) an unknown feeling and, like all strange feelings, it was out of my comfort zone.....

This time, I was going to break the pattern, I was not going to fall for a girl with a boyfriend. I decided to keep some distance from her... However, she decided to get closer and started to send me daily messages insisting on meeting up again...

Perhaps due to the fact that she sensed my intentions to keep some distance, she asked me to go for drinks again one night in the company of his boyfriend... Maybe she just wanted to be my friend and the signs that I was getting from her were only in my head...

Was I being paranoid thinking that she fancied me? Was I misreading everything? Was my mildly narcissistic personality projecting something that was not there? Maybe she just wanted to make a friend and I was misinterpreting all the signs...

I decided to answer her messages and meet up with her (and the boyfriend) for a drink, after all, I didn't know many people in Brighton and my social agenda was quite open. She was also a good listener and had been very nice to me...

However, for some reason, the more that I got to know her, the more difficult it was for me to tell her that I was gay, perhaps also due to the fact that I was starting to fall for her, but I didn't want to ruin what we had. But if she was just being friendly, I was afraid that she could think that by displaying my sexuality I was coming into her...

This was also another recurring theme for me... Whenever I meet a straight girl, I'm unable to tell her that I'm gay just in case she takes it the wrong way and thinks that I fancy her or something.

In this case, I think that I wanted her to be more than a friend, somehow, I started to develop feelings for her. I found myself jumping off my chair every time I got a message from her and wondering if she was feeling the same way...

I knew that I had to tell her that I was gay as if we were going to be friends, I needed to display my sexuality as it is part of who I am, but it was always a bit difficult to find the right moment. I decided to do it in a subtle way.

I organized a lunch date with the eccentric gay men that we met at the PhD research meeting and another gay friend of mine. Hopefully, after a whole lunch conversation talking about gayness and gay nightlife, she would get the hint... During that lunch, I talked about the gay scene in Brighton and how sad it was that the only officially lesbian bar closed down. After that, I think that she probably got the message behind....

Later that week, she invited me to her place to watch some X-files DVDs since we both were fans of the show when we were teens. I was expecting a quiet night with her and her boyfriend and perhaps with a few other people, crisps and beer. However, when I came to her place there were candles, incense and cheese....

I think that at that point the invitation was very clear. Apparently, his boyfriend was out of town and she offered me wine to ease up the night. I don't usually drink on weekdays and this time, I was not going to make an exception. I needed to keep my head clear to be able to properly read the signs...

Although, I was also not sure about how I felt about starting something with a girl that had a boyfriend that was financially supporting her... Hence, I kept my distance on the sofa... I was a bit uncomfortable as I really liked her but the fact that she had a boyfriend bothered me a lot.

I didn't want to be someone's mistress, or even worst, someone's night cuddler when her boyfriend was out of town. So, after a few episodes of the show, I ended up making an excuse to leave early.

The goodbye at her doorstep was very uncomfortable, she was looking deeply into my eyes and I didn't know what to do... I really wanted to kiss her but I didn't want to be the person with whom she "cheated" on her boyfriend. I met the guy and he was very nice... I didn't want to cause any trouble.....

After some unconformable seconds, she finally hugged me. I was either paranoid or that hug felt extremely long, too long for a friendly hug...


After that night, I decided to tell her openly that I was gay, I didn't know if she knew, so I arranged a lunch meeting on campus. This time it was going to be definitely an ambush lunch. I needed to clarify the situation so, after some rambling, I told her that I was gay and that I was a bit confused about the previous night.

She said that she had no sexual intentions towards me, but perhaps she said that due to the fact that I rejected her the previous night and that my way of approaching the topic sounded a bit like a one-way accusation of a crime... I really liked her, but I was not able to tell her, I couldn't find the right words, so after an awkward silence, I ended up changing the subject. This lunch happened the day before the Christmas break, so, we both left Brighton for a couple of weeks after that.

When we came back, she sent me a couple of messages to meet up, I was having second thoughts about meeting up with her after my embarrassment during lunch, so I kept finding excuses. Finally, I came around, after all, she was a good friend and I should keep her in my life.

I accepted one of her many invitations for dinner with her boyfriend. However, how unfortunate my faith was that the night before I had food poisoning from some seafood and I had to cancel last minute. I think that she got quite upset with me as that was the last time we exchanged messages.

I really wanted to call her again and explain myself, but after having ambushed her during lunch, I felt quite bad about it and ashamed of myself. Also, I thought that in a way, keeping my distance from her was a good idea, after all, I didn't want to be her mistress while her boyfriend was paying for her PhD.... or be friends with someone that uses people to get what she wanted. Perhaps this judgement was a bit harsh, but I needed to find an excuse to switch off my feelings for her and this was my switcher.

One night, I was at a Feminist Society social gathering and I bumped into a familiar friend of ours. I knew they were hanging out a lot those days as they posted every minute of their friendship on Facebook.

I was dying to ask our common friend about her since I also saw that she broke up her relationship status on Facebook. However, I didn't want to sound desperate so, I let the conversation flow...

Two pints later, I was drunk and ready to get a cab and unfortunately, I was not getting the information that I wanted despite the fact that I was dying to know how was she doing but, I was unable to bring her up in our conversation. The night was ending, so our common friend and I got a cab home together.

The time was running out and I wanted to know about her break-up, so I finally I asked her in the cab. Nevertheless, our common friend is quite discrete and barely displayed any information... She said that she had moved back to London and therefore, she was no longer living in Brighton but didn't give me any more details about her or the breakup...

A few months later, I saw her on campus walking in the distance, she didn't see me, but I send her a message to which she never replied. A week after I send that message, I saw her again on campus and this time, I chased her calling her name out loud.... she didn't turn around, she ignored my presence, but I kept on insisting...

Finally, I taped her on the shoulder and she turned around... she said that she didn't hear me calling her (well.... half of the campus did.... so she must be either a bit deaf or she was just ignoring me...) or got my message the week before to what I reply that perhaps, we should grab lunch and catch up... She smiled and said: "Sure, I'll give you a call". But of course, she never did... I guess that in the end, this was for the best, but the only way in which I can interpret her reaction and her silent treatment is due to the fact that in a way, I must have hurt her...

Maybe after all she also had feelings for me... or maybe not... I would never know...  I only hope that she doesn't run over me with her shiny convertible on campus the next time that we cross paths... I don't think I could survive a third head concussion...

Picture taken in Brighton (January 2013)

PS: I hid her from my news feed on Facebook but I kept her as a friend... She is the type of person that posts every minute of her life online and I could not cope with those behaviours... Why do people post every single lunch, event or night out on social networks?