Unnamed frogs part I - The Italian Hipster

The way to find love these days in this online over-connected but highly individualistic society seems to be by going into an infinite number of dates hoping that someday the frog will turn into a princess. The belief that love is out there is what keeps me going, however, the lack of success sometimes makes me doubt about the existence of love. Does love really exists or it is a myth? And if it does, how do I find it? Why some people find it and some others don't? I think that everyone fears the thought of dying alone or just going to sleep alone... and that's why we create online profiles, send messages to other singles and keep on going to dates...

Anyway, back to my stories, I have a bunch of frogs for which I don't have a name due to their distance in time and/or to the fact that I tend to forget bad, well, I won't say bad, just not so good, dates. Therefore, this post introduces the first of a number of frogs that I went on a date with in my quest to find love.... forget me if I have forgotten your name and you are reading this (very unlikely...), it was not my intention, but we both knew that we had nothing in common and did not keep in touch... so the feeling was mutual...

The Italian Hipster

A couple of years ago I was new to in a big city (far away from my beloved Brighton) and I decided that I needed to meet new people. I was very specific in my profile that I was looking mainly for friends, but leaving the door open in case the ONE would show up.... She was “new in town” too so she contacted me and we decided to go to the LGBT Film Festival and then have a few drinks in the scene.... We met, she didn't look much like her profile picture, well, her pictures were close ups of parts of her face, hands and her back and her tattoos... very artistic I have to say... but they were not very useful for me to get an idea of who she looked like… I guess I imagined differently…

I was already expecting that the reality would be significantly different than the image I constructed in my head from the pieces of herself that she carefully displayed online...

I didn't perceive much chemistry at first sight, maybe due to the mismatch between the idealistic image of her and the reality. She was a very extreme hipster. I like alternative people, I always wanted to be as cool as them and I pretended during my teens to be also "alternative", but it is too hard to keep it up... and ended up turning back into the main stream world... I buy my clothes at shopping centers and listen to music that is played on the radio, being alternative takes so much time... you need to search for clothes in small shops that non-alternative people can't see, a bit like the Diagon Alley in Harry Potter that can only be seeing by magical people, in this case by "alternative" people... and also, in order to be a real hipster, you need time to be politically committed with social causes and go to demonstrations and in some extreme versions, you might also want to restrain your diet from meat, dairy products and eggs, but keeping track of how to substitute those products by doing research... you also need to buy sustainable and local stuff which I always support, but it takes more time to go to farmer's markets than it takes to do all your shopping at Sainsbury... Don't get me wrong, I do support social causes and the fight for injustice, but I'm not very politically involved. I accept the fact that being hipster is like being gay, you either born this way or not, and the pretending is very exhausting... therefore, I embrace happily my average main stream condition...

Back to the unnamed frog Nº1: We met and went to the cinema, that part was easy, not much talking... then we decided to go for a drink at a gay bar, at this point I put my cards on the table, I told her that I was more looking for friendship and that we could enjoy the night... we entered in the bar and my date instantly fancied a girl.... I agreed to help her in her approach and used the technique of... - Hi, we are “new in town”, what is going on tonight? Where can we go after to look for some fun?... and worked, soon after she was talking to the girl and I was making small talk with her friend.... Anyway, the hipster and the girl seem to be hitting it off... my new friend asked me about how did I know the hipster.... to what I answered that we met online (I'm not ashamed of my online dating behavior). I also reciprocated the question and asked her about the girl that the Italian hipster was talking to, to what she answered that they worked together at the police station.... by the time she said that... the hipster and the girl were leaving through the door together.... I smiled and asked to my new friend: your friend does not happen to be an undercover cop or something.... ? to what my friend answered.... why are you asking...? and I said: well.... the hipster wanted to smoke some weed after the drink, but I guess that now she found the perfect company to do so... so my new friend and I laughed... the hipster probably got a nice fine and left without saying goodbye as I did not hear back from her at all... (or perhaps went home with the undercover cop.... but my new friend  told me that it was not her type.....) I finished my drink and conversation with my new friend and I went home... After that night I bumped into my police officer friend a couple of times at the scene and we ended up being friends (until she got a girlfriend and stopped going out on the scene...) ... it's funny how the universe works... I made a friend on an online date with someone else that I’ve already forgot her name….

Brighton Beach + Seagulls + Alcohol

Laurent's Story

I contacted Laurent at the begging of the summer through one of my multiple online profiles. I have seen her profile in several sites, so I could tell that she was “new in town” and was looking for love (I think that perhaps she was more looking for a one-night stand... but I tend to be very innocent and think that everyone is looking for love and romance...). 

She had a contagious smile and big red lips, blue eyes and dark hair with half of her hair shaved (very trendy among lesbians and/or feminists these days in Brighton....). She was what I call a "Brighton Fahsion Victim", a mix between a trendy hipster and a 60's hippie bohemian. She also commented that she loved to dance to electro music and enjoyed a good night out with plenty of booze, cigarettes and other soft (or not that soft) drugs if they were nearby.

We meet at the Brighton Pier around six in the afternoon, which in British time tends to be after dinner, but as I am from the continent I didn't eat anything before going on my date. I thought that we were going to go for a quick coffee/tea, and this is usually a 1-hour date... So, I planned to have my dinner after the date... Bad planning!

She told me that she had been already drinking (2 pints and a few shots of whiskey she confessed after...) and therefore, she proposed to buy some more booze and go to the beach. I accepted her offer and we went to an off-license to get some beers. I was going to get the usual light beer for lame drinkers: Corona, but she looked at me funny and took 4 long cans of Kronenbourg and we hit the beach.

The conversation flowed naturally (the beer helped). She had done illustration at University but had no intention of working in that field anymore. She was looking for a bar job to pay her bills while she was enjoying the night (and day) life in Brighton. She just moved from a small village and the city (for me very small) was a huge paradise for her. 

We agreed on the "amazingness" of Brighton (one thing in common)... but we seem to have very different backgrounds and life aspirations... But I thought that perhaps, I should relax and enjoy the afternoon with an oversize can of beer and attractive company for once... - Life is too short! was the little devil inside my head shouting..... After all, I need to be less uptight and stop overthinking everything in my life...

At some point on the cloudy deserted beach, we got surrounded by angry seagulls that were throwing pebbles from the sky... She commented that it was a mating ritual and that the male seagulls do it to grab the attention of the female seagulls... 

How interesting? I thought! She knew about animal mating rituals... I was impressed!!!

It makes sense that male stupidity might also exist among seagulls... I am often amazed by how many guys throw pebbles at the sea or at other objects (usually oversize beer cans) at the beach in a competitive ritual to see who gets their stone further...  How fascinating it was that the same behaviour can also be found in animals... 

Anyway, back to Laurent (which of course is not her real name). After the beach, we went to a cafe place, my intention was to order some food but she came back from the bar with two more beers and the message that the kitchen was closed.... oh well... at that point I should have stopped, go home, have dinner and think whether or not she was going to get a second date.... but the alcohol made me stay... after that third beer we tried to get food in another place, but the kitchen was also closed.... But it was happy hour in the place next door..... so, one more beer and some dancing followed....

At that point, I was drunk but sober enough to know that more alcohol was a bad idea, so I decided to stop with the booze. However, my companion seemed that had only started... 

We dance and I bumped into a friend of mine and her girlfriend. They got us some shots and another round... I was definitely quite drunk at that point.... more dancing followed and suddenly some kissing! 

We dance a bit more... or perhaps a lot more... I don't remember... but at some point I said:  

"I am very very hungry, I'm going to get some chips, do you want to come?" and she did.

As I lived at the time in the corner of the most famous 24h Fish&Chips places in Brighton, we ended up in my house... I think that she pulled the trick of... I need to use your bathroom.... but I was drunk... so I felt for it...   

She entered in my house and went straight to the toilet to puke her guts out... I was in the corridor feeling awful... not for her, but for me as I was going to have to clean that the next morning... 

When she came out of the toilet, she rolled a cigarette... but after two drags she told me that she was feeling very bad and asked me if she could crash in my bed... and since I am a nice person and said: Of course! Thinking... Bad idea....!!! Bad idea!!!  

And of course, she took all the bed and covers leaving me with a small space and no duvet left, but as I was still drunk and I fell asleep quickly anyway...

I woke up for work earlier the next morning (I didn't mention that it was a Thursday date, well, now been extended to Friday)... She was sleeping and perhaps pretending not to hear me waking up... I had a shower, had my breakfast and got ready, bad thing was that I mentioned that I could work from home the night before on the spur of the moment... and she took it as "working from home" day, but I actually needed to do some work. 

She apparently had no intention to leave my bed as she was probably still drunk...  She send me 'the look' of “come to join me in your bed” a couple of times... but I was not drunk anymore and therefore the "one-night-stand idea" from the night before seemed a bad idea the morning. After all, it was going against my principles and my search for true love.... So, at that point I started to get a bit annoyed at her.... she was being very needy and I had to do some work so I wanted her to leave.... But how do I say it?

Rule Nº1 of a one-night stand: NEVER take the girl to your place, otherwise you can't leave.... and I am way too polite to kick anyone out....  So, two or three hours later, while I was working and she was sleeping (pretending?), she got the hint and decided to leave.... I have to confess that if the night would have stopped in the first bar, I probably would have called her back again for a second date...but the night didn't end there...

However, even if there was no second date, we kept in touch for a while through WhatsApp. I did like her, perhaps more as a friend than as a potential girlfriend and is never a bad idea to expand your network of friends. However, neither of us made the effort to meet up again... I have seen her on nights out in Brighton, first, we talked a bit... but lately it seems that we avoid each other... I confess that I did avoid her the last time I saw her at Revenge (The only gay club in Brighton), but it was because I was with another online date that I liked (another story to come...).

We could have been friends... but you know how the online world works.... you pretend to keep in touch, to be friends... but you never are... 
The rule of the online dating world apparently is: "keep your past dates close in case the current ones fail as a back up".... but I don't like to have backup plans... I don't like being on my own, but I think that the awkward feeling the morning after a meaningless hook-up is even worst... it makes me feel a bit empty inside. Perhaps this is just the consequence of watching too many Disney movies during my childhood, but.... I still (want to) believe in love so... I will keep looking... Laurent was not the one!

PS: She left a pair of white ankle shocks at my house that I washed and now use for the gym.... is that weird... ???

Some nights you just need to pretend that never happened....

 Picture taken in Las Vegas September 2014

Eat · Experiment · Leave

Karen's Story

After Lily "broke up" with me.... (Can you call it a break up after only few dates?...) I went online to find the next girl that will potentially "break" my heart again... (or may be just cracked it a bit like Lily.....). I had been messaging few girls while I was seen Lily... One of them was Karen, 30-years old tall blond from the US. I usually don't go for older girls due to the fact that I still don't feel like an adult.... But she seemed nice, feminine which is usually my type, and had a nice and honest smile.... We met in the same cafe where I met Lily (and one more after her) and I ordered my usual earl grey tea with milk, she copied my order... She told me that she recently quit her big fancy job in a Pharmaceutical company back in the States. She even mentioned that she had a PhD... but she was now taking some time off... I could guess by her nervousness that she was not used to meet people online, and even less used to meet women... I could also see that see was very scared and probably never been on a date with a girl before... she had that look on her eyes of doing something wrong.... and even if she was very very far away from home, I could see how she was concern of what other people might think of us... I wanted to scream at her: GIRL, THIS IS BRIGHTON! It's alright.... Half of the population is gay, and the other half doesn't care...

I also noticed that she was wearing an engagement ring.... and when we talked about traveling and trips she said that the furthest she has ever been from home was the Seychelles (and the UK now), to what I replied:  - Yes, that's the kind of place you will go on your honey moon. Just to see her reaction and get more information about that ring... and she nodded and looked down confirming my suspicions that she was a runaway bride looking for an adventure...
I assumed that she was on her Eat · Pray · Love trip and I didn't want to be her Italian lover or even less her Javier Bardem adventure... I wanted to tell her that it was OK for her to be gay and come out of the closet, if that is what this was all about, but that I was not going to be anyone's lesbian experiment. I was (still am) looking for a full time girlfriend... and despite of the fact that she was very nice and had a pretty smile, I think that I prefer an out-of-the-closet girl who knows what she wants and also, is planning to live in this country for at least a while... I also thought that she was very brave, giving up her life in the US, her fancy job and her husband (?)... She had courage and she was living on the present, that was good, but I wasn't ready to be the adventure that she was looking for... so we finished our tea and said goodbye... I didn't message her back, I wanted to.... but as friends... I am very busy in my everyday life even for massaging my already existing friends, so I had not much time for a new one... so... yeah... I never contacted her again... which makes me feel bad...

She sent me a happy-new-year's eve message, that I really wanted to answer, but I was overseas and I didn't want to get a ridiculous overcharge for a text message... so I didn't reply.... I really hope that she finds what's she is looking for, but I was not ready to be the experimental lesbian love affair that she was hoping to find that would save her from the boredom of her everyday life as a Pharmacist in her little home town somewhere in the East Coast of the States… being someone’s else exotic adventure was not my plan… Are we all looking for an adventure to save us from the boredom of our everyday life?

A very AVERAGE date...

Lily's Story:

I received a message from Lily by the end of summer 2013, she just moved to Brighton and she possibly made the typical search through all of the profiles in GaydarGirls and send a few messages around. I don't usually log into that website anymore, is not that it hasn't worked in the past... which it has (see my first online date story), is just that is quite out of date now, the girls in there can be considered as 'the first generation of online dating lesbians'. Most of them might have been out of the market for a while and now they are trying to come back to the scene not knowing that all of the pretty lesbians have moved to other websites with phone applications such as OkCupid or POF... Also, the website on its own is very limited, they have not updated it since I opened my profile, back in 2008, of course as part of my 2008's new year’s resolution: "find a girlfriend..." well, I had that one on the list for the last... decade... anyway.... back to Lily... so, she send me a message and I received it two months later... she attached a picture as she is one of those people that do not have any pictures in her profile... (not a good start with me...)... but she looked nice... so I answered...

My first answer to an online message is usually the same... I don't like to talk online, let's just meet up for a coffee and chat... so, we did...
I had plans for the evening so, we met up early in the afternoon for coffee... We went to a cafe in Kensington Gardens, where I would end up taking my next two online dates too....  probably the people working there might think that I am some kind of psycho 'online dating lesbian' or something... but I like the place, is simple, full of light, and with two doors, one at the front and another one at the back... in case I need to escape (which fortunately it has not happened yet...)... My first impression of Lily could have been better... she was not the girl from her picture and didn't have any taste in combining clothes. She looked as if she was trying too hard to look smart but didn't have anything in her wardrobe and had to borrow clothes from her mother's closet. On top of that, she was also a bit distracted when combining her outfit... she clearly didn't have a mirror in the lobby of her house to check her look before leaving the house (a fact that I confirmed later on). As soon as she appeared, I had a strange sensation that I shouldn't have come to the date, a kind of gut feeling that she was not the right one... However, she was nice, very nice…. and polite... to the point that we ended up having a "robot conversation"... a mix between politeness and kindness, a predictable and boring chat that you have with someone that you just met and you are uncomfortable... It goes something like this:

What do you do? what are your hobbies...? and if no matches on hobbies... move to something else... maybe movies... if no matches here... music... if no agreement... then weather... everyone shares the same views on the weather and this is why it is possible the most popular topic of conversation among strangers... So... there wasn't much connection but she was very nice, cute and even if the sparkle wasn't there, she ticked all the boxes of desired qualities in a girlfriend.... so, there was not a reason for me to reject her as a suitable candidate.... so we decided to meet up again... this time for a drink.

Our second and third dates repeated the same pattern: 1 to 2 hours date full of robot conversation and polite compliments... I thought that... if this is it... this is what mating is in your late twenties when you have left behind the clubbing and alcohol ritual and you are now looking for other qualities in a potential partner... then let's keep on dating... I've been told before that love grows with time so I was not in a rush and I had time to wait... She was nice and had good qualities: didn't smoke, didn't drink too much, had a job, was average intelligent and was kind... so what else could I ask for...???

After a few short dates, we finally planned a dinner night followed by drinks for a Friday night... it was date number 5 so it was "the date" when you make it or break it... it is funny how scheduled love is these days, if you type on Google: “number of dates before kiss/sex...” you will find hundreds of websites with lists of average milestones in a relationship... and that's the problem... they are all AVERAGE... and my dates with Lily were very average... but she was friendly and cute and there was no reason for me to break it up... So, the big date arrived and we went to a Japanese restaurant, we ordered some sushi to share and some imported beer.... a very lesbian choice: ethnic food + fancy beer.... anyway.... we finished eating and I took her to a club, consumed more alcohol... which I always need if I plan on making a move... and then, we went to another place... and more alcohol was consumed... and it was the moment... I had to kiss her so, I did and... It wasn’t there... there was not much feeling... but I said to myself: “it is fine”.... What do you do when you kiss someone nice and attractive but the feeling isn’t there? You don’t want to say something or being in polite, I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable so I keep on kissing her thinking that I had had perhaps too much alcohol… At that point I was drunk and I wanted to go home, it was late... but should I take her home with me...??? While I was still trying to decide what I should do, she kind of followed me walking to almost my place, I guess that she invited herself to the party... so... I didn't argue... I went along with it... Oh no! I just remembered that my room was a mess, very untidy for unexpected visits (I am usually hiper-mega-tidy...., but I had a busy week…) OK, no problem, we had had enough alcohol... so it's fine.... she won't notice...

We went to my place and I put on some music, forgetting that my iTunes is full of embarrassing songs from pop teen bands, cheesy musicals, and TV programs like Glee... She might get the wrong impression... but well.... too late now...... I put my a bit of everything' playlist and tried to forget that I was being judged by my terrible music taste... and I kissed her so she would not focus on the music or notice the mess that my room was... and I thought...  I don't know if I want to have sex with you... not drunk... it seems that these days, in the “online dating” era, sex and alcohol go together... I wanted to be sober and have a special connection and not another meaningless one-night stand.... but well... I was already too drunk.... and the lights were switched off...

After that night, we planned another date for the following weekend, she wanted to cook for me at her place, so I let her cook... and I ate... and I was polite, but I thought.... she needed some advice from her mom to improve her cooking skills... the meat was hard, which means that she didn't get the times right... the sauce was quite plain and without flavour (maybe it was a reflection of our dates...), so she did not put enough species..... but the effort was there... so I recognized it and complimented the effort that went into preparing the meal... and then we watched a movie, already a typical lesbian night after only a few dates...!!! that was not very promising and we both noticed that something wasn't right... we were a bit like lesbian robots... But I kept saying to myself: she ticks all the boxes, she is nice, and even though I did notice that there was no sparkle I have not seen anyone else at the time and she was nice company... My friend Bea said to me once that love grows along the way and that there is no love at first sight.... so, I thought that we could find it sometime along the way, so I was ready to wait... but she wasn't.... the next date, at my house, she broke up with me... a tip for the future: next time that you want to break up with someone, do it in a public place!! If you break up with someone at their house, they can't leave... and of course, in these kinds of situations, I am too polite to kick someone out... even if they have broken my heart... so, I stayed there... waiting for her to get the hint that I wanted her to leave......

However, looking back with perspective, she was right... it was not working out and it was better to stop it earlier... but I wanted so much to have a girlfriend and found love that I was ready to forget that there was no chemistry and wait patiently to find it... I'm not a desperate person, don't get me wrong... I am actually quite successful in getting phone numbers at clubs and getting a high number of messages on dating websites... I am nice... I practice active listening (most of the time)... so, people like to talk to me... I compliment people from the bottom of my heart, so people like to be around me (I think…), I am an honest and loyal friend... and I smile a lot....  so... Why can't I find love?