Unnamed frog part IV - Too COOL for School

This is a story about an average first date followed by a very bad second date....

We contacted each other at the beginning of the summer. I think that we did it through OkCupid... but I'm not sure now....

We met at the Fortune of War a legendary pub in the Brighton seafront. I arrived earlier and sat outside, she arrived 2 minutes after and went straight to the bar. I saw her when she passed by, but as every time I'm meeting someone from the Internet, I wasn't sure that it was her....

She texted me from the bar, and I confirmed that I was outside, then she finally approached me. She ordered a Koppaberg, which for me is a drink that limit itself to one only drink, as the first drink is amazing if is chilled, but the second one becomes unbearable as you get fed up of its sweetness... anyway, I ordered one too, mirroring my date's drinking choice and accepting that the date will be limited to one drink then.

She was not the most pretty girl I have ever seen, but she was cheerful and nice. Tall, brown long hair, round hazelnut eyes, few tattoos on her arms, but nothing too butchy, and main stream clothing style with a hint of surfer and hip-hop from the 90's. We talked about trips and adventures, a very common topic on a first date....

She told me that she recently came back from spending some time in 'Cali' (apparently cool people call California 'Cali', but you won't be able to call it Cali if you haven't been there and got integrated with the cool kids...) She called California 'Cali' (no comments....). We had a good conversation about trips, university, self-development and Brighton... However, as expected, after the first Koppaberg, the date was over, so we decided to say goodbye and walked in different ways...

She texted me within the next 5 minutes to tell me that it was a pleasure to meet me and that she would like to see me again. I thought it was very cute to receive a message right after the date, and although I wasn't sure that we had a lot of stuff in common, I accepted the invitation to meet up again.

She invited me out on a Saturday night with her mates, we  were going to meet up in R-Bar. However, when I was living my house she texted me telling me that her mates were a bit drunk and that it will probably take her still 15 minutes to get there... Despite of her text, I decided to make my way to the bar anyway. After all, I was already ready to go out and waiting at home makes me sleepy and increases the chances of deciding to cancel and I was not too convince on the first place about her....

As I had time, I went to the cash point to get some cash (very optimistic from my side), I didn't know if we were going clubbing after and the night was young... By the time I arrived to the bar (15 minutes later than the projected time), I received another text from her. 

She was still at her mate's house but she was calling a taxi now, so it will be only 15 minutes more... I decided to grab a drink and wait at the bar, and then wait a bit more, and then wait a little bit more again.... when I was about to leave, she texted me again saying, sorry, sorry, sorry, we are on the cab, we will be there in 5 minutes.....

I am usually a time nazi,  I value my time a lot, a someone making me wait really annoys me, but I decided to be a bit more tolerant and wait, I understand that when people are drunk, it is difficult to moved them to a bar and it might not have been her fault...

She finally arrived, but in a state of drunkenness that did not corresponded with the time of the night... after all it was only 22 pm, but she wasn't able to talk properly already,... However, that did not stopped her from sniffing popper every 2 minutes and looking at me as if I was a party popper....

I do go out and have fun.... I do like to dance and enjoy the night, but if I'm meeting someone, I try to stay sober enough to be able to maintain a bit of conversation... on top of that, she ignored me for most of the time that I was on the bar, and I ended up talking with her friend, who had recently had a baby, but was free for the night looking to get shit face and party hard (everyone has different priorities in life I guess....)...

At some point, her friend split a drink on my coat and when I went to pick it up, she (unnamed frog nº4) said:

- Are you leaving? I would understand if you are....

I wasn't leaving, I was just picking my coat from where the drink was spilled.... after all she arrived only about 20 minutes ago.... but.... actually... she gave me an opportunity to scape and I took it....
- I said, well, yeah, I think that I'm going to leave now...

She did not put any resistance and let me leave.... she made an attempt to apologize by texting me the day after, but what starts with the wrong foot... its difficult to change... so that was the end....

The learning of this story.... ? I'm not really sure, I guess that it is just one more unnamed frog to the blog.... I feel that every time that I make the effort to meet someone and doesn't work I lose a bit of my faith in finding love, but without keep on trying, you won't find it... will you? Should I stop trying?

A date with me...

I believe that life is a continuous battle with oneself... If you are not able to find something in life, is not because is not out there, but because you are too blind, too narcissistic, too uptight, too... YOURSELF to find it...

I believe that we are the only one who is stopping us from finding what we want and therefore, a self-check might be needed if you are not obtaining the desired results... so here I go...

I feel that I am over-judging all my dates from a self-centred, narcissistic point of view... So, I would like to try to imagine how would it be to go on a date with me from their point of view..... Maybe they are not the frogs.... but I am... I wish I could collect first-hand feedback from them.... but I guess that even if I could, people are too polite anyway to say what they think...

I will try my best to find all my flaws... and maybe after this exercise, I will be more empathetic with my dates' experience and I would be able to understand them a bit better... Is it me the problem and reason that I am still single....?

The ME Story...

I guess that the first physical characteristic that you might notice is my height... or lack of it... I am 5'3 (160cm) and I never considered myself a small person until recently I one of my dates pointed it out ... (thanks for undermining my self-confidence there... I wonder why we didn't work out... but that's another story that I will write soon...)... I have also been told on several occasions that I have big eyes...

I always love this comment because big doesn't mean pretty... but yeah, I have big dark eyes.... and I have also been told that they have the power to penetrate into someone's soul... just like a superhero (obviously the person that made this comment had me in high regard...)... but sometimes I do feel that it is true as if I have ever felt a connection with someone it was always by looking deep into their eyes and feeling a bit of a tingling in my heart....  but I guess that this is universal for everyone that has ever find him/herself into someone's eyes...

Apart from my eyes, people also tend to complement my hair, it used to be light brown with a hint of reddish under the sun, but these days are looking darker and duller (I guess that I haven't found the right combination of hair products for this humid and cloudy weather yet...)...

I think that they made these comments about my big (not pretty) eyes and hair in the same way that people talk about the weather, as a distraction mechanism to ignore the elephant in the room.... in this case, my Jewish-like nose...

Someone told my dad that originally my family name came from Israel and I think that my nose proves this theory... some people do have a thing for this type of nose... a guy once was fascinated by my nose and asked me if he could bite it (I love to chat up lines of straight drunk guys on clubs....) also, several Chinese friends told me that in Asia people go through plastic surgery to get this type of nasal bridge... On the contrary, here in Europe, we go through surgery to get rid of it... I guess that beauty norms change among different cultures... (Should I move to China...?)

By the way, I guess that at this point of the blog, you have also realised that I tend to 'exaggerate' a bit my comments... I don't call it exaggerating, but just having a very fictional-oriented way to describe events.

I tend to caricature reality in an attempt to make it more interesting and happy, so whenever I say that someone was freakingly tall, like the Polish-looking accountant in my story, I mean that they were very tall.... I've also been told by a reader that knows me in real life that my nose doesn't strike as much as I say.... but I like to create a parallel universe in my mind a bit like Tim Burton's universe in Big Fish...


In terms of personality... well, I think that I change among situations and company, so if I am very nervous because I like my date I probably will talk more than I should and will interrupt the conversation more than I should...., something that according to the infinite number of self-improvement books that I have read, is the worst thing that you can do...

I guess that unconsciously I want to give a good impression by commenting on things, making jokes, etc. but it ends up having the opposite effect... So, here we have one problem I need to keep working on Shutting myself up and practising active listening...

I also tend to pre-judge people but hate when people do that to me... so these days I'm also working on that... every one of us has so many layers and complex personalities so, forming an image about someone's personality from one small piece of information is not a good practice...

How many times have I been surprised by people that I thought fell into a category but suddenly discovered a whole new side of them...? and how many times I have received a comment from a date about me (such as... you are this way or you have this kind of personality....) and I thought that the person has very narrowed minded as they judged me without knowing me...?

I guess its just human behaviour, we like to classify people in our minds, to create shortcuts to understand the world around us when actually people are dynamic and have a lot of different layers and sides that we miss to perceive because we are too busy imposing our own simplified version of reality into their personality...

Another thing that my dates probably have noticed is that I don't know how to put a poker face, I am quite the opposite, you might be able to read my thoughts through the combination of my muscle movements from my face, just like Paul Ekman does in its book Unmasking the Face...  and sometimes my expressions and my real feelings get mixed up giving the wrong message (for example, my face maybe saying 'no' when my mind still processing the situation but still haven't decided on the answer).


I do smile a lot, and that is always good... people have told me before, that I give a good vibe because I smile a lot.... even during spin classes... (is it weird that I smile during exercise...?)

I also like to compliment people from the bottom of my heart, so I tend to make complements about whatever I think is nice... but I don't know how to react when they make a compliment about me... and I probably put my "confusion face".... or I say something completely unrelated or change the subject, for example, if I receive a compliment about my clothes:

       - Nice shirt...
 I will always tend to answer with the price I paid for the item (Why do I do that...?), so my answer will be something like:

       - Thanks, I bought it at half price in that shop on the corner of.... and when I saw it I thought to myself.... but then.....

Too long... I should have just smiled and said thanks..., but I don't know how to take a compliment.... especially if it comes from a pretty girl...

Furthermore, even if I am super good at reading situations and external behaviour when it comes to signs of someone liking me or not... I am a mess...

I overthink people's signs to the point that they lose their meaning and I get very confused... so if you ever go on a date with me and like me... you need to be explicit and say: I LIKE YOU because I become socially retarded whenever I am around someone I find attractive...

I guess I might not be the best date that someone can ever have... I never buy flowers or chocolates as I always overthink how the other person might react... and possibly I overthink too many situations to the point that I lose a lot of opportunities.....

Also, despite the fact that I seem to be very confident in my everyday life, I am super shy when it comes to externalising my feelings, and I know that if you don't put yourself out there, you won't ever find if the other person feels the same way... but I either not say anything or if I do... I do it in a very awkward and retarded way...

I guess that when it comes to love and feelings I am a complete idiot....

Self-portrait taken in Brussels (January 2012)

So... I guess that after all, a good part of my spinsterhood is due to me... and not to the amazing and beautiful women that I have met online... "It's not you... it is me...." (....if I got a penny every time I heard this.... or I have said it....).... but this time it might actually be true...

Unnamed frogs part III - an uncomfortable date at the seafront

Last spring (around May 2013) on a perfect sunny day I went for a drink at the seafront with Unnamed Frog Number 3. We went to Brighton Music Hall, one of my favorite places at the seafront as they always have live music and performances.

We briefly exchanged few messages through Gaydargirls and decided to meet up. Not having any expectations when metting up someone from the online world helps to avoid dissapointment and in this case, it was needed.

The first impression was.... not the best to start with. She was at least 10 years older than her profile pictures... Having honest and up to date pictures helps to create a close-to-reality image of the other person and I have to confess that in this case I was expecting someone younger... 

I knew she was older than me, which it isn't a problem, but by hiding herself, she started the date by creating a feeling of deception when we met....  As "the mathemathics of love" TED Talk recomend, "Displaying on your online profile whatever it is that makes you different... would work to your advantage!" I think that perhaps the date would have started in a more possitive note if I would have seen an uptodate picture of her.


We ordered drinks and I decided to have a glass of wine. Mental note for the future: "Never order wine in a beer bar....". So, I was not able to drink it tasted very soury...

On top of the off wine and picture-reality setback, the conversations just didn't flow... sometimes there is not chemistry, sometimes you are just not receptive to meet new people and some other times the situation isn't appropriate.... this time, the three factors met up and the date was just not right...

We were able to maintain small talk for about 30 minutes, but after a prolonged unconfortable sillence, I think that we both realize that it wasn't going so well and put in place an scape plan.... She was meeting some friends near by and I had to work.... (yeah.... right...)....  and I had to finished some work... (which in my case was true...)

We didn't contact each other again.... that's how it seems to work these days on the online world... you can pretend that the meeting never happen.... However, after few dates like this... you start to lose faith in love....

But at the end of the day, if you don't put yourself out there.... then it is very unlikely to meet anyone... so you need to keep trying without perishing in the attempt, not die trying...
 
How many dates do you have to go to before meeting somoeone?

 

 A beautiful sunset at the Brighton Beach

Unnamed frogs part II - The Polish-looking tall accountant

I feel bad about not remembering the name of some of the girls with whom I shared a coffee with, but it was about a year ago and I am a completely disaster with names.... specially with guys names... I never ever remember my friends’ boyfriends names... I guess because they are straight males and I am not particularly interested in them so my brain saves the space for something more useful to remember.... Anyway... I will call this girl the Polish-looking tall accountant....

The Polish-looking tall accountant Story

So, about a year ago I got a message from the Polish-looking extra-tall accountant, not sure through which website, but we ended up exchanging numbers and messaging each other through WhatsApp... I rather met the person in real life soon after you both like each other than investing a lot of time in exchanging a ridiculous amount of texts before knowing if there is feeling or not... so I asked her for coffee... in the meantime, she kept on texting me every 5 seconds with not very relevant information.... I played the game for a bit since we were meeting for coffee in two days and she said that she was bored traveling on a train... but then the day after she started the same game again, she send me a ridiculous amount of messages without very relevant information... so from the beginning I could see that she was a bit needy and possibly a bit intense.... but she was hot... and maybe it was her first time doing the online dating thing and she didn't know the rules... so, I decided not to prejudge her and I met her for coffee....

We met at a coffee place near my house. It took me a while to know who she was as she didn't look like her pictures at all... and it was not due an intensive amount of Photoshop or filters from Instagram, it was just that she happened to choose, maybe strategically, pictures that didn't look like her.... She was still very good looking, but very different from her pictures.... two things that I noticed just from the beginning: 1) she was ridiculously tall, I am 5'3 (160cm), so I know about my height limitations and accept that more than half of the population of women are taller than me, but she was at least 6'5 (2 meters)... I confess that I prefer girls my size... but I also think that height should not be an issue as it is a physical characteristic and therefore, it is genetic and not within a person's choice or affects their character..... but 2) She did not put any effort on her appearance despite of having the beauty and body of a top model... She was wearing a T-Shit with bobbles that had not even seen better days as had the color and pattern of my grandma's living room curtains... a pair of shorts that might have seen better days, but they were on the verge of not even qualify for a charity donation... and her hair.... I know that some people's hair tend to be oilier, but the beauty industry has developed an extensive and affordable range of products to prevent that.... I want to say at this point that I am not a superficial person, but you never get a second chance for a first impression and she didn't make an effort for the evening. I think that you can tell a lot about a person’s mindset by their presentation, for a start, if they don't take care of themselves you can deduce that they might be lazy (as washing your hair from time to time is not that hard work...), or they might not have control and autonomy over their life... so, by her appearance, I deduced that she was perhaps depressed....

I surprisingly discovered that she wasn't Polish or had any Middle East relatives... I don't know how I got that idea in my mind.... anyway... She was an accountant but she was currently in between jobs (ahhhhh.... maybe that's why she was depressed...)... she was also having a very hard time with coming out (something else that might confirmed the depression hypothesis). I tend to empathize with people that had a hard time coming out since I myself did not came out with rainbows and unicorns.... so I listened to her... and after 30 minutes I definitely diagnosed depression + some possible other insecurities that made her seem very needy... I am not anyone's princess in a white horse that will rescue them from their misery... I believe that of course you need to support your friends and family through tough times, but I don't think that it is a good idea to start dating a stranger that is clearly not in their best moment of their life... unless you like to play that game... If you haven't read it or hear about, there is a very good book called: "Games People Play" where Eric Berne explains his theory of communication and interaction and how couples play games. I don't remember all of them but I could imagine that the 'I am sad and lonely and in need for lots of attention and cuddles' player and the 'I like to rescue lost puppies' player look for each other and create a game ....these games usually fulfil both player's psychological needs but they create a very toxic relationship....

We didn't message each other after that coffee, it was clear that we both realized that there was not chemistry and that we were in different places and times in our lives... I hope that she has overcome all her problems, found a job, got a girlfriend and she is happy now... after all she was very very pretty and seem to be kind-hearted, despite of the fact that she only talked about her-self during coffee...

Anyway, this time the frog did not turned into a princess but I still have hope that someday will....