The day after our conversation in the parking lot after yoga, we went for coffee to discuss some work-related stuff but did not talk about our previous conversation in which I asked her out (for a second time this year). However, she was being overly nice that morning, so I understood her kindness as a positive sign.
A week passed and we had many positive/awkward/shy encounters around the office, but no mention of my dinner proposal. I needed to get an answer, but during working hours it is difficult to find the right moment. Finally, one Tuesday morning she was in my office checking out some work thing and I decided to open the topic again. She had her hand on the doorknob and was about to leave my office. Quick, say something now, she is going and the doubt of what her words "let's talk tomorrow" meant was eating me alive.
"So...., do you want to go for dinner with me then?" I finally said as she was opening the door. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. The question just left my body and it was out there again. An awkward silence invaded the room. She turned around keeping her hand on the knob with the door half open.
"Sure, we can do that," She said in a very relaxed way.
WHAT? Did she just say YES? what do I do now? I was not prepared for a positive outcome... Should I propose a day and time now? I'm paralyzed looking at her eyes, I need to say something... what do I say?
"Wait.... if you mean a dinner date then NO, but we can go for dinner as friends" She added. In a microsecond, my mood when from pure joy to deep sadness.
"Sure that sounds good" I said. WHAAAT???!!!??? That is the worst idea ever!!!! I don't want to go for dinner with her as friends, that will be awkward. Me staring at her face like an idiot while she tells me in confidence all of her previous boyfriends/girlfriends stories doesn't sound like a great idea. I was still frozen, paralyzed, no words were coming out of my mouth but my face was probably showing my disappointment after her last sentence.
"Look...." She said while letting go of the doorknob and fully turning around towards me. Nothing good can come after the word "look..." So, I stood up there waiting for the punch in my stomach. Here it comes...
"I'm not dating these days... and it feels great. It is the longest time I've been single and with my PhD and everything.... I can't... I'm sure that you would understand" She said.
"Of course, no problem," I said with a fake smile. My social pride mode just kicked off and I was showing my most happy and understanding face on the outside while everything was cracking down on the inside. Awkward silence again. Keep smiling, and look at the door, maybe she would get the hint and leave.
I want to run and go, but it is my office... Mental note: next time, please ask uncomfortable questions in an open space or at least somewhere where you can find an excuse to leave. I'm not sure for how much longer I can pull off my fake smile... She needs to leave now or I might crack down soon... Keep smiling...
"... but we can go as friends, or maybe after..." She continued. She needs to leave my office now... I'm very uncomfortable at the moment, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
"It's fine, no worries... I'm sorry for asking, I hope that it wasn't awkward, I hope it didn't make you feel uncomfortable." I said pretending to be fine with the outcome of our conversation.
"When you get to your thirties you just have nothing to lose..." I said in an attempt to auto-justify my poor attempt at a dinner invitation.
"I don't have that time anxiety...." She said. What time anxiety? She does clearly not understand my point and I need her to rush out of my office, my tears were about to come down. My eyes started to feel a bit watery. Keep smiling.
"Sure, I understand," I said with a big great fake smile. After another few seconds of awkward silence, she finally got the doorknob again and left. It was done, I tried and fail but... at least I tried.
After she left my office I heard a cough coming from the other side of the wall. Since none of my co-office mates were in that day, the noise could just only come from the other side of the fake wall. A few weeks ago, when I moved into my new common office the first thing that my colleagues warned me about was that the fake wooden wall that divided my office and the next one was very thin and that you could clearly hear everything coming from the other side. It was great for gossiping, one of my colleagues mentioned.
GREAT! I have not only been rejected by my office crush, but half of my department heard the conversation. The office next door was fully occupied that morning... And I guess that my awkward dinner invitation just made it into the top gossip hall of shame this year... I can already see myself collecting the LOOOSER award at the Christmas party...!!!
Anyway, a few weeks have passed and after a lot of rumination, I have come to the conclusion that "I'm not dating at the moment" is what someone not interested might say in order to not hurt someone's feelings, but if someone is really interested, they will definitely go for dinner. So... She likes girls... but, she doesn't like ME! It's time to move on!
My real-life attempt to find love failed this year and my online dating life seems the only consolation at the moment. I've been chatting with gorgeous goodness on Tinder (I don't know if she is even real or not....) and we have plans to go for a drink soon, so I'll write a full report if that finally happens.
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| Poster on my wall. My desired narrative of Brighton 2015. |
To be continued...
