My dating fears

A Spanish philosopher said once that happiness is the absence of fear. If that holds true for love, then revising my dating fears should be part of my homework to achieve happiness in relationships.

Fear to me feels like the dark smoke from LOST: a dark scary cloud that fogs my mind and paralyzed my body. 

As a rational human being, I want to think that if I can understand my dating fears, the smoke should vanish. However, my past attempts to overcome my irrational fear of snakes have proven the opposite. Nevertheless, here is a list of my dating fears hoping that someone might relate to them: 

      The fear of rejection is possibly my first paralyzer. No one likes to be “not invited” into someone else life. It leaves a feeling of “What did I do wrong? Did I say something inappropriate?” that for a dedicated self-perfectionist person like me is unbearable. Felling rejected in any relationship attempt or a social group bounding always makes me feel little, small, unprotected, vulnerable… like a neglected child in a rainy playground. Then, Why should I put myself in a situation that might end up in this feeling?

The fear of needing someone for my world to function. Someone once made a joke about how I’m so independent that I probably lost my virginity on my own. As much as I’m proud of self-sufficient functioning around the world when it comes to finding love, it can be a liability.

I fear needing someone external to myself for my world to keep spinning around. I don’t want to let my world into the hands of a stranger. Through my years of experience socializing in the world, I have learned that people can be unreliable and can also change their minds easily. Then, why should I introduce a threat into my self-sufficient world?

The fear of losing control over my emotions. Someone, I know recently referred to her ex as “that crazy bitch”. That negative denomination was coming out of the same mouth that once kissed passionately that “crazy bitch”. I wondered what a person has to do or say to be referred to as such by someone that loved you once.

I guess that love is one of the most intense emotions that we experience and keeping full control of emotions can often be a trial-and-error process. Since I have no experience in long-term relationships at 30, I fear being in a situation in which I lose control over my emotions. I’m afraid of emotionally charged situations and how I am going to manage my emotions (and deep down I’m afraid of being called a crazy bitch). So, if I'm scared of losing control over my emotions in a romantic situation, why should I induce myself into situations in which I could lose control?

The fear of not being able to appreciate or enjoy love: Most people say that you only appreciate something when it’s gone when it is already too late… So, I fear that even if I make the effort to overcome all of the previous fears and I find love, I won’t be able to appreciate it or fully enjoy it. That it might become mundane to me and I will eventually lose interest. Why should I bother to overcome my previous fears if I’m not going to get satisfaction out of love anyway?

This previous list of fears has fogged my mind in my dating life in the past. My fears had focused my attention on the emotional losses of the lottery of love and blinded me from the small positive moments that I could have won. Fear projected a negative emotional forecast of hypothetical undesirable futures that prevented me from collecting positive moments in the now. Concentrating my focus on collecting small wins in the present has been my weapon to fight fear lately. 

I confess that I have been feeling pretty strong and confident about my dating life lately. However, sometimes, even if your fears don’t paralyze you from inviting someone into the dance of love, other people might also have their own dark fog that might stop the music. It sucks, but knowing that there is always more music in other bars waiting to be danced should help.

Find the music and don’t be scared to dance!

My favorite mediation place in Brighton.

Does Love = Happiness? Is everyone as anxious as I am about love and relationships?

I started this blog as a way to release some of my frustration of being a spinster in the Lesbian world. Also, I thought that perhaps I could connect with people who share the same anxieties in their quest to find love within the community.

On my path to discovering "how to find love and overcome my love-related anxieties," I discovered a couple of things:

Finding romantic love is not the only path to happiness
Society and the media tend to promote the idea that happiness is achieved through romantic love. Perfect-ending romance stories or San Valentine's Days advertisements full of images of happy couples get into our brains whether we like them or not. The heavy role that romantic love plays in our society's portrait of happiness creates a focusing illusion. If we can only see that Happiness = Romantic love we are very likely to feel unhappy if we are single. The idea that happiness is only achieved with romantic love leads in opposition to the unconscious thought that single people must be unhappy.

However, happiness can be achieved in many different ways such as having good friends and family relationships, the feeling of belonging to a community or personal self-development (you have to trust me on this; I am studying Happiness as a part of my PhD).

There are many types of love. Romantic love is just one of them. If you don't have romantic love in your life right now, maybe change your focus to other "love" in your life such as family, friends, art, sports or even work if that is what you love.  

Love = Happiness but, love is not only found in romantic relationships!

Finding romantic love will not be the end of your relationship-related anxieties
For those of us that tend to have some love-related anxiety, finding love is not the end of our "being single-related anxiety" as the "being in a couple anxiety" will kick off.

From my many conversations about love with my friends, lovers and colleagues over the years, I have come to the conclusion that most of us have some degree of love-related anxieties (and the ones that don't seem to have it are because they don't share it with the world). It is perfectly normal to be a bit worried from time to time about your close relationships. Low doses of worry could be healthy to keep couples engaged, but high doses of anxiety might break any romantic relationship attempt. Finding an anxiety middle point that works in favour of your needs and also towards developing the type of relationship that you and your other half want could be the key to a happy relationship.


I personally find love in "being creative" and use art as a way to release my own relationship-related anxieties:

My little art project titled "Coming out". Summer 2007

The gap between Disney and Reality creates me anxiety!

The title of this post is the epiphany that I had the other day when I was talking to one of my housemates about love... I thought that my realization deserved a post! So, here is my non-sense mumbling about love...

In this over-saturated Tinder-love market dominated by use-and-throw-away relationships... Romance is dead! 

I know that my previous statement might sound a bit strong, but that is my view of love in this Tinder-oriented-society. That has been my experience of love in the XXI century as a lesbian women dating in the online world in a mildly progressive city of Brighton. Watching lovers coming and going and getting my heart broken every so often...

No one cares about breaking your heart anymore, as at the end of the day, we are all strangers in the online net. One day, you might wake up and discover that you have stop caring about your heart too...You have lost it somewhere... sometime... along the way in one or few of those past love stories with a disappointing ending... But there is still a last part of you that still want to believe in love and romance.

I STILL want to believe IN LOVE & ROMANCE!

The other day, I found myself having some strange mix of emotions when waiting for someone to answer me a silly message. I realized that I'm just a lonely lost girl in this world, keen on finding someone to share a connection... Desperate to believe that I will find that connection and fearing at the same the inevitable disappointing-ending that have always come with every past love story...

Some days, I really want a Disney-like-princess to appear on my door step with a bucket of flowers and a big smile... Have some romance in my life, but in reality, only grumpy delivery guys with parking problems knock at my door...

I STILL want to believe that there will be someone that will save me from becoming a Tinder-addict, save me from the apocalypses of romance in the online world...  I guess that my Disney like idea of love conflicts with my reality... and that is what creates me most of my love anxieties...

Should I still believe in love despite of the fact that the evidence of my reality has show me that is it just not there (like UFO's)? Should I give up and just go with the Tinder-flow of one-night stand and at least have some fun in the meantime? 

Why some people find love and others don't? Why some couples last until the day they die and others don´t? What keeps a couple together? 

What is love anyway? Is there only one type of love? Do people feel love equally? Is the balance on the intensity of the feeling between couples what keeps them together? What does your partner thinks is love? Does sharing a matching concept of love bring people together?

If any of my few readers have an answer to any of these questions, please, feel free to leave a comment below...

It is clear that there is not perfect love as nobody is perfect even (if they believe that they are...) and it will be foolish to think that I'm going to find a perfect love and that there is a Disney princess waiting for me.... But I like to keep believing that romance can happen.... I guess that I am still a believer!

"The Switcher Theory": A first step to forget that "someone" that broke your heart

Sometimes writers (if I can even call myself that) are not very happy with the outcome of their own work... I confess that am quite "disappointed" and embarrassed about my post on "How to overcome disappointment in love and still believe in romance". I don't think that I gave any useful advice to anyone trying to recover from a broken heart and so, the title did not live up to the expectations. I lied guys! and I'm sorry... Also, I found the post a bit lame to read. I have thought about deleting it, but perhaps revising it might be a better option and so, here are my amends:

The switcher-theory:
A first step to forgetting that "someone" that broke your heart


The other day I found myself explaining to one of my housemates my very own "switcher theory" and thought that actually my theory perhaps could be a bit more interesting for those of you out there who are trying to overcome love-related problems than my previous and shameful post cited earlier. And so, my theory goes as follows:

I defined a switcher as "the argument that makes you realise that your former (or current) other-half, the one that you once thought was the love of your life, was actually not right for you. This argument has the power of changing your feelings and views towards that person almost immediately". The switcher is that "something" that he or she believed in but that it might absolutely conflict with your personal world views or might go against your very own core values. Once you are able to find your switcher, you can peacefully start to move on. There can be more than one switcher, and the more switchers that you can find, the easier it will be to change your emotions towards that person.

As a result, after a breakup, you need to find your switcher, that argument that would convince you, and that it is irrefutable evidence, that your past relationship/lover/hookup/one-sided love is never going to fully make you happy as it is not the right person for you. Perhaps some can say that we are tricking our minds and feelings, but trust me, I've seen the power of the switcher when overcoming disappointment in love, and it can work within seconds of finding the right argument.

I'll give you a few examples:

Example 1: Once I dated a girl from the online world (a story yet to come) that told me that she thought that science was trying to kill the joy of life. She said that scientists were foolish if they thought that they could ever understand the meaning of life and, therefore, they were wasting their time and everyone's money on doing research. I generally tend to respect everyone's opinions even if they are completely opposed to my own. Why not? I'm not going to argue against anyone's own worldviews because core values and beliefs are very hard to change and, there is always room in this world for different views, right? It is foolish to try to impose your world views on others as it doesn't work that way, we all have our own personal beliefs and values and they are at the core of our identity. Aiming to change them is a very (if not impossible) job that I'm not willing to even attempt to do.

As a result, and following basic hypothetical syllogism (if A is B and B is C, therefore, A is C): if she thought that scientific work was stupid and useless and, I am a scientist (or pretend to be at least), in her world view I was stupid and my work was meaningless. Who can live happily ever after with someone that doesn't value your work?

When she said those words I actually did not give them too much importance and took them as some kind of weird joke, or perhaps I was just blinded by her external beauty. She was a self-defined artist and so, I tended to swallow her eccentricities and crazy speeches with humour. However, when we broke up (well.... I have to confess that she broke up with me BUT I thought about breaking up with her several times due to her quirkiness and multiple addictions...) I suddenly remembered her words about science and used them as my switcher.

How could I ever be happy as an almost-scientist with someone that thought that scientific work was trying to kill the joy of life? Well, perhaps I thought, it was one of those things that someone might not really believe but would say with a glass of wine (in her case with a full box) to challenge a conversational partner. But still, it was a very strong statement to be used as a controversial punch with the intention of looking for an intellectual discussion and it might have been a reflection of some kind of attention deficit or even a sign of some mental issues (possibly her case). So, I used her past words as one of my switchers to completely disregard her in my mind as a potential life partner.

Ok, I know what you are thinking, this might be a bit of an extreme example, but bear with me...

Example 2: I have a friend that has had addiction problems in the past but has fought hard to overcome them. He met a guy with whom he was in a relationship for almost a year. When they broke up, he had to find his switcher in order to move on. In his case, the switcher was that his former lover believed that using drugs on a non-regular basis and in low doses could be fun. He liked to use and share them with others and have some fun every now and then. 

As a result, over the period of time that they were together, he took and facilitated drugs to my friend and did not make a big deal when my friend started to develop his addiction patterns and anxieties again. In this case, if they would have stayed together, it would have been a disaster for my friend's health (and also to his financial situation). Its former partner drug's tolerance and the fact that he did not care about my friend's well-being but prioritized his own fun was my friend's switcher, what make him change his feelings towards his ex-other-half. My friend knew that he could never find that balance and moderation when it came to certain substances and so, abstinence was his only option. However, his former partner just thought that this attitude was some form of being a "party-pooper-joy kill". Their views on drugs and having fun, in conjunction to their past experiences were conflicting and could have been also very detrimental for one side of the relationship.

Ok, I know what you are thinking, perhaps this example might be a bit too extreme too, but I have one last one...


Example 3: Once upon of time I was in my late teens and had a crush on someone slightly older than me from high school. My inexperience and youthfulness made me put her up on a pedestal. Also, due to the fact that I was "still in the closet", I never actually did anything about this crush. We both left our home town to go to University (she left before I did) and so, our lives took different paths... The years passed and I forgot about her but, somewhere deep down a small part of me kept holding on to that young crush. She was sometimes the one that I would think of when listening to songs like "The one that got away" by Katy Perry or "Someone like you" by Adele and felt melancholic about my high school days. Our story was never resolved and so my one-sided love never had a clear end because at the time, I was still in the closet and I was not able to deal with my feelings properly.

A few years ago, we somehow ended up living within a 20 minutes drive from each other and, as we were about 1,000 miles away from our home town, she decided to contact me to meet up and reconnect. The passing of time and other "loves" had washed off my deep feelings for her, but I possibly had some unresolved high school issues towards her. We met up and this time, the blindfold that I carried for years had fallen off and I got to see her real character. I perceived for the first time how negative she was about everything: the restaurant was "cheap & tacky", the waiter was rude, the cutlery was dirty, the weather was bad, her job was unbearable... and so on and so forth. She was the kind of person whose complaints and negativity were a never-ending stream. Nothing was ever up to her standard. The last straw came when she complained about some lower back pain and I suggested to her that perhaps swimming (one of my passions) could help her, to which she replied:

"I tried swimming for a while, but it messed up my hair so, I gave up" WHAT? How can you prioritize your looks over your health? That was my final switcher.

I talked to an old friend of mine about our encounter and commented on how much she had changed over the years to what my friend pointed out that she had always been that way, but I was too blind to see it. In this case, the switcher that completely helped me to move on with my teenage feelings towards her was that she was an extremely negative person that prioritizes looks and external appearance over other things that are more important to me such as health, exercise or self-development. I could have never found happiness with someone like her.

Board done by my housemate in an afternoon of creative work with sprays (2015)

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So, as the message from the picture says, keep calm and don't give up, you will be able to find someone sometime, but if it doesn't work out, just find a switcher and move on...

and... she likes someone else!

So, to sum up, my latest offline love adventure: She like girls, but she doesn't like me... and, I found out at the office Christmas party that..... she likes someone else after all!

Here is the story: (Maybe play this song while reading, but it's just a recommendation).

Facing a crush when you have been rejected is never easy, but unfortunately, we work together and so, we both got invited to the same office Christmas party. I was secretly fearing that I was going to be given some kind of "biggest loser of the term award" or "worst uncomfortable public love rejection prize" this year at the party after my clumsy attempt to ask "my crush" out while at least 5 other people could clearly hear us through the fake wooden wall that divided my office and the one next door (see "but she doesn't like me" for the full shameful story).


However, I decided to ignore my emotions, push away my social anxieties and go to the event anyway. I didn't care if she was going or not. There were going to be around 100 people at the party and, it was taking place at a newly re-furbished trendy venue on the Brighton seafront. The party was very promising and I didn't want to miss out. Most of the "water-fountain" conversations (or in this case the kettle/Nespresso machine gatherings) at the office that week were predicting a fantastic party with Christmas songs and other pop top chart tunes as the night soundtrack and everyone I knew was going. Why would I miss having a good time for a mildly (although bigger from the inside) heart crack?

I was doing OK at dealing with my office crush rejection on a daily basis anyway. For the past few weeks, we exchanged mostly work-related talks and whether small chats (for those of you who are reading from outside my beloved UK, talking about the atmospheric conditions is a national obsession). Things were going smoothly between us, however, I wasn't sure that I was ready to face her after work hours while alcohol consumption and sexy dancing were expected.

I knew what I had to do that night though. My strategy was going to be easy: "be nice to her, take your distance and avoid any type of romantic approach or puppy eyes or any kind of creepy moves near her". I knew that asking her out again or making any strange emotional-love-related question was completely forbidden and definitely out of place.

The night was going according to my plan. I didn't completely ignore her, we actually talked a bit (about work and the atmospheric conditions, of course...) and we even shared a drink and some innocent laughs at the bar, but I spent most of my night mingling with my colleagues, dancing and laughing. I was looking great, feeling great, talking to everyone and dancing lots. But..

At some point in the night, I bumped into my Canadian housemate at the "ladies" (also a PhD student that was aware of my emotional drama and had offered her emotional support if needed at any point of the night). My made-in-Canada emotional crutches and I decided to go outside for a smoke (no judgements here: I was drinking, pushing deep down my emotions and it was a party and.... Christmas after all....). My housemate had to make a phone call to her boyfriend, who was expected to come to the party, and I decided to go ahead and stepped outside on my own for a minute, the night was going great. What can possibly go wrong now?

As soon as I stepped outside, there it was: My office crush was kissing a guy at the end of the designated smoking area. I froze. I was OK with her not liking me, but I wasn't ready to see her with someone else.

My feet turned around and stepped inside again. "Wait, no! What I am doing? Go outside and ignore her, be better than that!" I said to myself. So, I stepped outside again with the intention of smoking that discussing a piece of nicotine that I had on my hand... but... there they were again, kissing in the dark. F**K!

My feet immediately turned around again and step inside following my wounded heart without the consent of my brain. NO! Go outside, pretend that everything is OK, have that smoke, you can do it! you are a strong woman and it's been a while... you have already accepted your defeat weeks ago... GO! I consciously turned around again and stepped outside with my head up... but... they were kissing.... that was not an innocent drunk kiss... that was a proper full-tongue made-out-session. F**K!

I turned around and step inside again. My back-and-forth, in-and-out silly moves were noticed by my housemate that looked at me funny. She pushed me outside and we joined a group of colleagues that were outside smoking at a table. After my Canadian mate lighted her self-destructive poison cylinder, she noticed "them" kissing at the back and finally understood my strange moves under the door frame.

"Are you OK?" she said while passing me a lighter with one hand and putting the other behind my back touching my shoulder.

"Sure! I´m fine.... a bit drunk maybe!" I said while lighting up my rollie and reciprocating her smile with a lazy attempt of moving up my facial muscles.

When we went inside again, John (of course not his real name), a tall handsome gay guy that knew about my crush, grabbed my arm and pulled me apart.

"If I wasn't gay, you will be definitely my office crush" He said while looking at me deeply into my eyes. He probably saw her (my office crush) making out in the dark and wanted to comfort me.

"You are so pretty and nice, and amazing... maybe you are too good for her...ohhhhh" He said almost singing while winking his left eye. A dance version of Believe from Cher was playing in the background and he matched his last words with the lyrics of the song before the chorus (... and maybe I'm too good for you.... ohhhh....).

I don't remember exactly how the conversation followed, but after a long 20 minutes of self-esteem booster intervention from his side, I was feeling better. He said that he didn't understand why I was single and that she (my office crush) was not very pretty and a bit neurotic anyway... His words make me feel better, but at the same time, I was ashamed of sharing my feelings with my office colleagues... especially because he mentioned that he talked to my office crush about me once.... that made my whole body wrinkled and I felt a stabbing pain on my stomach.

After that, I poorly attempted to mingle again with the rest of the party and dance, but my soul was crushed and my head was starting to feel the "too many gin & tonics" that I had consumed. So, I grabbed my housemate and said:

"Can we go now?"It was nearly the end of the night and half of the invitees was making their way home already.

"Of course honey!" She said grabbing her coat and mine and making a sign to her boyfriend to grab his.

"and for the record... you look amazing tonight" She added. I smiled and gave her a big hug and the three of us made our way home.

And that was it... Sometimes you just need to accept your defeat, but losing a battle doesn't mean losing the war... there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... That might have been the end of my office crush story, but not the end of my offline-dating stories of 2015 as I might have met someone else already.... (well, we sort of knew each other before, but we didn't have the opportunity to share a beer and a dance on a Saturday night...).

Of course, after that many online and offline disasters (you just need to read my blog to get an idea...) I'm keeping my feet on the ground... she is a fellow writer too (much more talented than I am)... but, as Marilyn Monroe said once: "... lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.."

Never stop believing! Good things come to those who wait!

To be continued...

All's well that ends well! Traffic sign found in San Francisco (2014).