and... she likes someone else!

So, to sum up, my latest offline love adventure: She like girls, but she doesn't like me... and, I found out at the office Christmas party that..... she likes someone else after all!

Here is the story: (Maybe play this song while reading, but it's just a recommendation).

Facing a crush when you have been rejected is never easy, but unfortunately, we work together and so, we both got invited to the same office Christmas party. I was secretly fearing that I was going to be given some kind of "biggest loser of the term award" or "worst uncomfortable public love rejection prize" this year at the party after my clumsy attempt to ask "my crush" out while at least 5 other people could clearly hear us through the fake wooden wall that divided my office and the one next door (see "but she doesn't like me" for the full shameful story).


However, I decided to ignore my emotions, push away my social anxieties and go to the event anyway. I didn't care if she was going or not. There were going to be around 100 people at the party and, it was taking place at a newly re-furbished trendy venue on the Brighton seafront. The party was very promising and I didn't want to miss out. Most of the "water-fountain" conversations (or in this case the kettle/Nespresso machine gatherings) at the office that week were predicting a fantastic party with Christmas songs and other pop top chart tunes as the night soundtrack and everyone I knew was going. Why would I miss having a good time for a mildly (although bigger from the inside) heart crack?

I was doing OK at dealing with my office crush rejection on a daily basis anyway. For the past few weeks, we exchanged mostly work-related talks and whether small chats (for those of you who are reading from outside my beloved UK, talking about the atmospheric conditions is a national obsession). Things were going smoothly between us, however, I wasn't sure that I was ready to face her after work hours while alcohol consumption and sexy dancing were expected.

I knew what I had to do that night though. My strategy was going to be easy: "be nice to her, take your distance and avoid any type of romantic approach or puppy eyes or any kind of creepy moves near her". I knew that asking her out again or making any strange emotional-love-related question was completely forbidden and definitely out of place.

The night was going according to my plan. I didn't completely ignore her, we actually talked a bit (about work and the atmospheric conditions, of course...) and we even shared a drink and some innocent laughs at the bar, but I spent most of my night mingling with my colleagues, dancing and laughing. I was looking great, feeling great, talking to everyone and dancing lots. But..

At some point in the night, I bumped into my Canadian housemate at the "ladies" (also a PhD student that was aware of my emotional drama and had offered her emotional support if needed at any point of the night). My made-in-Canada emotional crutches and I decided to go outside for a smoke (no judgements here: I was drinking, pushing deep down my emotions and it was a party and.... Christmas after all....). My housemate had to make a phone call to her boyfriend, who was expected to come to the party, and I decided to go ahead and stepped outside on my own for a minute, the night was going great. What can possibly go wrong now?

As soon as I stepped outside, there it was: My office crush was kissing a guy at the end of the designated smoking area. I froze. I was OK with her not liking me, but I wasn't ready to see her with someone else.

My feet turned around and stepped inside again. "Wait, no! What I am doing? Go outside and ignore her, be better than that!" I said to myself. So, I stepped outside again with the intention of smoking that discussing a piece of nicotine that I had on my hand... but... there they were again, kissing in the dark. F**K!

My feet immediately turned around again and step inside following my wounded heart without the consent of my brain. NO! Go outside, pretend that everything is OK, have that smoke, you can do it! you are a strong woman and it's been a while... you have already accepted your defeat weeks ago... GO! I consciously turned around again and stepped outside with my head up... but... they were kissing.... that was not an innocent drunk kiss... that was a proper full-tongue made-out-session. F**K!

I turned around and step inside again. My back-and-forth, in-and-out silly moves were noticed by my housemate that looked at me funny. She pushed me outside and we joined a group of colleagues that were outside smoking at a table. After my Canadian mate lighted her self-destructive poison cylinder, she noticed "them" kissing at the back and finally understood my strange moves under the door frame.

"Are you OK?" she said while passing me a lighter with one hand and putting the other behind my back touching my shoulder.

"Sure! I´m fine.... a bit drunk maybe!" I said while lighting up my rollie and reciprocating her smile with a lazy attempt of moving up my facial muscles.

When we went inside again, John (of course not his real name), a tall handsome gay guy that knew about my crush, grabbed my arm and pulled me apart.

"If I wasn't gay, you will be definitely my office crush" He said while looking at me deeply into my eyes. He probably saw her (my office crush) making out in the dark and wanted to comfort me.

"You are so pretty and nice, and amazing... maybe you are too good for her...ohhhhh" He said almost singing while winking his left eye. A dance version of Believe from Cher was playing in the background and he matched his last words with the lyrics of the song before the chorus (... and maybe I'm too good for you.... ohhhh....).

I don't remember exactly how the conversation followed, but after a long 20 minutes of self-esteem booster intervention from his side, I was feeling better. He said that he didn't understand why I was single and that she (my office crush) was not very pretty and a bit neurotic anyway... His words make me feel better, but at the same time, I was ashamed of sharing my feelings with my office colleagues... especially because he mentioned that he talked to my office crush about me once.... that made my whole body wrinkled and I felt a stabbing pain on my stomach.

After that, I poorly attempted to mingle again with the rest of the party and dance, but my soul was crushed and my head was starting to feel the "too many gin & tonics" that I had consumed. So, I grabbed my housemate and said:

"Can we go now?"It was nearly the end of the night and half of the invitees was making their way home already.

"Of course honey!" She said grabbing her coat and mine and making a sign to her boyfriend to grab his.

"and for the record... you look amazing tonight" She added. I smiled and gave her a big hug and the three of us made our way home.

And that was it... Sometimes you just need to accept your defeat, but losing a battle doesn't mean losing the war... there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... That might have been the end of my office crush story, but not the end of my offline-dating stories of 2015 as I might have met someone else already.... (well, we sort of knew each other before, but we didn't have the opportunity to share a beer and a dance on a Saturday night...).

Of course, after that many online and offline disasters (you just need to read my blog to get an idea...) I'm keeping my feet on the ground... she is a fellow writer too (much more talented than I am)... but, as Marilyn Monroe said once: "... lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.."

Never stop believing! Good things come to those who wait!

To be continued...

All's well that ends well! Traffic sign found in San Francisco (2014).

"Somebody that I used to know" - Part II

As much as I hate to split in two my stories, I currently don't have enough time to write as much as I would like to, so I apologize to the readers (if there is actually anyone reading....).

On top of that, I recently had a bike accident with a consequent head concussion that seems to be taking longer to recover than expected. In case you are wondering, my bike accident has nothing to do with the girl in the story, she didn't run over me, I just fainted while cycling, but that's another story... Maybe I'll write about it later on, but now I need to finish what I started, so I'll get back to the story of the girl that I used to know....

As I explained in the first part of the story, I was going through a tough time with my work and the blond-looking lesbian girl was very supportive and a good listener. One Friday night she invited me for dinner, she mentioned in the message that the tall gay men from the welcome event and a few other people that we met that same night were coming as well.

When I arrived at the restaurant, she told me that in the end, it was just going to be just her and I. They all seem to have cancelled last minute....

So there we were... having a proper date night with candles and exotic food. During dinner, we talked about trips and she told me that once she bought a plane ticket to Cuba to fly on the same day as she wanted to see her girlfriend that, after three years of relationship, had moved to Cuba for a few months.

She told me that she could not stand the distance and felt that the relationship was falling apart because of that. At the end, they broke up, but she described the trip to Cuba as the craziest thing that she had ever done for love.

I was a bit confused.... so my instinct was right, she was a lesbian, or at least bisexual, as she had a three years relationship with a girl in the past, however, she was currently in a formal relationship with a guy that was financially supporting her. She also told me that she met him when she was working as a security doorman in a club in Leeds (a very lesbian job choice...) and that they both shared a passion for martial arts, kickboxing and other forms of one-on-one combat (also a very lesbian sport choice).

After dinner, we went to grab a drink at The Druids Head, one of the oldest bars in Brighton where for the last 400 years Brightonians and foreigners, just like us, have been sharing their intimacies and stories.

We were sitting in a bar, sharing a drink on a Friday night when the song "Somebody that I used to know" started to play. She knew the song and told me that she really loved it but I for me, the lyrics and melody was new to my ear. Little I knew at the time that the song was narrating our future story...

The following morning, I woke up thinking about her. That was a bad sign!

Something inside was warning me about repeating again the same love-heart-broken pattern that I've learned in the past. I tended to fall in love with straight or 'not ready to come out' girls that always broke my heart...

But this time, I was determined to avoid falling into my old habits, it was as if my unconscious mind didn't want me to be happy and I was self-sabotaging my own love life. Love for me was a painful feeling of frustration as I only knew how to love by falling in love with the wrong girl. In a twisted way, the pain made me feel comfortable.... happiness in love was (and still is) an unknown feeling and, like all strange feelings, it was out of my comfort zone.....

This time, I was going to break the pattern, I was not going to fall for a girl with a boyfriend. I decided to keep some distance from her... However, she decided to get closer and started to send me daily messages insisting on meeting up again...

Perhaps due to the fact that she sensed my intentions to keep some distance, she asked me to go for drinks again one night in the company of his boyfriend... Maybe she just wanted to be my friend and the signs that I was getting from her were only in my head...

Was I being paranoid thinking that she fancied me? Was I misreading everything? Was my mildly narcissistic personality projecting something that was not there? Maybe she just wanted to make a friend and I was misinterpreting all the signs...

I decided to answer her messages and meet up with her (and the boyfriend) for a drink, after all, I didn't know many people in Brighton and my social agenda was quite open. She was also a good listener and had been very nice to me...

However, for some reason, the more that I got to know her, the more difficult it was for me to tell her that I was gay, perhaps also due to the fact that I was starting to fall for her, but I didn't want to ruin what we had. But if she was just being friendly, I was afraid that she could think that by displaying my sexuality I was coming into her...

This was also another recurring theme for me... Whenever I meet a straight girl, I'm unable to tell her that I'm gay just in case she takes it the wrong way and thinks that I fancy her or something.

In this case, I think that I wanted her to be more than a friend, somehow, I started to develop feelings for her. I found myself jumping off my chair every time I got a message from her and wondering if she was feeling the same way...

I knew that I had to tell her that I was gay as if we were going to be friends, I needed to display my sexuality as it is part of who I am, but it was always a bit difficult to find the right moment. I decided to do it in a subtle way.

I organized a lunch date with the eccentric gay men that we met at the PhD research meeting and another gay friend of mine. Hopefully, after a whole lunch conversation talking about gayness and gay nightlife, she would get the hint... During that lunch, I talked about the gay scene in Brighton and how sad it was that the only officially lesbian bar closed down. After that, I think that she probably got the message behind....

Later that week, she invited me to her place to watch some X-files DVDs since we both were fans of the show when we were teens. I was expecting a quiet night with her and her boyfriend and perhaps with a few other people, crisps and beer. However, when I came to her place there were candles, incense and cheese....

I think that at that point the invitation was very clear. Apparently, his boyfriend was out of town and she offered me wine to ease up the night. I don't usually drink on weekdays and this time, I was not going to make an exception. I needed to keep my head clear to be able to properly read the signs...

Although, I was also not sure about how I felt about starting something with a girl that had a boyfriend that was financially supporting her... Hence, I kept my distance on the sofa... I was a bit uncomfortable as I really liked her but the fact that she had a boyfriend bothered me a lot.

I didn't want to be someone's mistress, or even worst, someone's night cuddler when her boyfriend was out of town. So, after a few episodes of the show, I ended up making an excuse to leave early.

The goodbye at her doorstep was very uncomfortable, she was looking deeply into my eyes and I didn't know what to do... I really wanted to kiss her but I didn't want to be the person with whom she "cheated" on her boyfriend. I met the guy and he was very nice... I didn't want to cause any trouble.....

After some unconformable seconds, she finally hugged me. I was either paranoid or that hug felt extremely long, too long for a friendly hug...


After that night, I decided to tell her openly that I was gay, I didn't know if she knew, so I arranged a lunch meeting on campus. This time it was going to be definitely an ambush lunch. I needed to clarify the situation so, after some rambling, I told her that I was gay and that I was a bit confused about the previous night.

She said that she had no sexual intentions towards me, but perhaps she said that due to the fact that I rejected her the previous night and that my way of approaching the topic sounded a bit like a one-way accusation of a crime... I really liked her, but I was not able to tell her, I couldn't find the right words, so after an awkward silence, I ended up changing the subject. This lunch happened the day before the Christmas break, so, we both left Brighton for a couple of weeks after that.

When we came back, she sent me a couple of messages to meet up, I was having second thoughts about meeting up with her after my embarrassment during lunch, so I kept finding excuses. Finally, I came around, after all, she was a good friend and I should keep her in my life.

I accepted one of her many invitations for dinner with her boyfriend. However, how unfortunate my faith was that the night before I had food poisoning from some seafood and I had to cancel last minute. I think that she got quite upset with me as that was the last time we exchanged messages.

I really wanted to call her again and explain myself, but after having ambushed her during lunch, I felt quite bad about it and ashamed of myself. Also, I thought that in a way, keeping my distance from her was a good idea, after all, I didn't want to be her mistress while her boyfriend was paying for her PhD.... or be friends with someone that uses people to get what she wanted. Perhaps this judgement was a bit harsh, but I needed to find an excuse to switch off my feelings for her and this was my switcher.

One night, I was at a Feminist Society social gathering and I bumped into a familiar friend of ours. I knew they were hanging out a lot those days as they posted every minute of their friendship on Facebook.

I was dying to ask our common friend about her since I also saw that she broke up her relationship status on Facebook. However, I didn't want to sound desperate so, I let the conversation flow...

Two pints later, I was drunk and ready to get a cab and unfortunately, I was not getting the information that I wanted despite the fact that I was dying to know how was she doing but, I was unable to bring her up in our conversation. The night was ending, so our common friend and I got a cab home together.

The time was running out and I wanted to know about her break-up, so I finally I asked her in the cab. Nevertheless, our common friend is quite discrete and barely displayed any information... She said that she had moved back to London and therefore, she was no longer living in Brighton but didn't give me any more details about her or the breakup...

A few months later, I saw her on campus walking in the distance, she didn't see me, but I send her a message to which she never replied. A week after I send that message, I saw her again on campus and this time, I chased her calling her name out loud.... she didn't turn around, she ignored my presence, but I kept on insisting...

Finally, I taped her on the shoulder and she turned around... she said that she didn't hear me calling her (well.... half of the campus did.... so she must be either a bit deaf or she was just ignoring me...) or got my message the week before to what I reply that perhaps, we should grab lunch and catch up... She smiled and said: "Sure, I'll give you a call". But of course, she never did... I guess that in the end, this was for the best, but the only way in which I can interpret her reaction and her silent treatment is due to the fact that in a way, I must have hurt her...

Maybe after all she also had feelings for me... or maybe not... I would never know...  I only hope that she doesn't run over me with her shiny convertible on campus the next time that we cross paths... I don't think I could survive a third head concussion...

Picture taken in Brighton (January 2013)

PS: I hid her from my news feed on Facebook but I kept her as a friend... She is the type of person that posts every minute of her life online and I could not cope with those behaviours... Why do people post every single lunch, event or night out on social networks?

My offline dating lesbians stories - My first "one night stand" story

I decided to write today an offline story... not that I've run out of online dating stories yet... but I feel that the ones untold yet are either too long or too boring for a Sunday afternoon.... + this story follows in time "My 'I'm new in town' story"... so in a way, it makes sense to fit it here in the blog...

One Halloween night in 2008, just after moving into Brighton and meeting the PhD student lesbian student, I went out with my new Spanish gay man's kick...

I have a tendency to always have a gay man as a best friend in my life, and in 2008 it was Pedro, a very handsome Spanish guy that was always super positive about life and completely open about his sexuality and me, that I was still struggling a bit with mine, his company and guidelines through the accepting process was very appreciated...

 We used to go out to Revenge every weekend, sometimes it was just the two of us... but some other sometimes we dragged some other people along with us........  anyway, back to my story...

One Halloween "Girls on Top" Thursday at Revenge, I went out with my Spanish gay friend to dance... Since I was young and working in a bar, my tolerance for alcohol was slightly higher than these days... so I think that at least I double the number of recommended units...

I lost my friends and I ended up dancing with this gorgeous-looking blonde girl dressed up as a feminine version of Tom Cruise in 'Top Gun' with a pair of RayBan aviator sunglasses and baggie military-looking pair of dungarees...

We danced and kissed and.... the next thing I remember....  we were on the bus to my place...  It was a fun night with a stranger whose name I quickly forgot the morning after... We exchanged numbers but we didn't contact each other again...

I bumped into her again a few months later at Revenge. She told me that a few days after we met a friend of hers threw her phone on the Thames River... so, she lost my phone number...

Really...? flying phones that end up in the Thames is a common thing that can happen and I should believe her....(?) Well, I was 23 so I did have faith in humanity and I believed her...

We exchange phone numbers again and we meet up the day after for drinks... My friend the zombie M&M from Canada was visiting me that weekend so she decided to invite another gay guy for a double date...

They were both very good-looking, he was a model in London and she was a very attractive photography student at Brighton University.... But we didn't have much to talk about, unfortunately...

My friend the zombie M&M's described the date as Ernest Hemingway meeting with a Bimbo Blonde on his side and I felt a bit the same way... they were not even able to situate Spain in a map and their favourite movie was "The Goonies"... They were not very intellectual material but they were beautiful...

The gay incredibly handsome guy ended up vomiting in the toilet and the pretty blonde had to walked him home as the doorman at the "Pav Tav" kicked him out... and that was the end...

She send me few messages after that night.... but, I was secretly in love with a colleague at work that of course was not gay and showed no interest in me whatsoever... but well... I always seem to choose the wrong person to have a crush on...

Do we choose who we love?