My #HER Story

Few weeks ago, I went on a date with a girl that I met on #HER, a new dating app for women. I wasn’t very keen on trying one more time online dating after my past failures (just read any of my previous post such as Two online dates in one night or my post about the dark side of online dating). But, this 2017 I was feeling overly optimistic, just as a Canadian on a summer day. I guess that after reading the book “Raising Strong” from Brené Brown I was mentally ready for a new challenge

The quote from the book that made go back to online dating again and make the effort of meeting up with a stranger instead of binge watching another Netflix series comfortably from my sofa was:

  

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing, its having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome”

I can do this! I thought to myself when I read it. I can have the courage to show up and be seen!

Since I love a good “self-motivational” quote from any TEDTalk guru, a few days later, there I was, at the White Rabbit (the pub where I take most of my dates), grabbing a drink with a complete stranger, hoping that the universe would aligned and love would magically emerge...

And it sort of did… I confess that I haven’t had a date as good as that one in a very long time… She was funny, cultivated, pretty and, she seemed to be very caring with her friends and family judging from the stories that she narrated me during our date. What else can I ask for in a woman?

At the end of the date, just when we were about to say goodbye, she kissed me briefly on the lips.

WOW! I wasn’t expecting that!  

That kiss just move our date up to the top of my mental “first dates chart”.

Before we walk away in separate paths I asked her if she wanted to meet up with me again. However, we didn’t have to make any formal arrangements for a second encounter as, it turned out that we both had tickets to the same event: the #HER party that was happening in two days! As a result, we agreed to “informally” meet up there.

Two days later, I was on my way to the party. I confess that it took me a lot of mental effort to get ready and make my way there as I was going on my own because none of my queer friends were available that night. However, I decided to embrace my newly courageous mind-set and “show up and be seen” even when I had “no control of the outcome”.  

I didn’t know for sure if she, my date, was going to come or not, or if she maybe had plans already with a different date... But I was hoping that, after living (and dating) in Brighton for almost 7 years, at least I would bump into a few acquaintances so I could maybe share a drink with some fellow queer women.

Picture taken at the HER party in Brighton. 4th of February 2017.

When I arrived, the party was half full and getting crowded by the minute. Everyone seem to be in a group, dancing, chatting, drinking… but I was on my own, feeling very small and vulnerable.

I made my way to the bar, ordered a beer and looked around. I saw happy faces, chatting, dancing, drinking… everyone had company but I was alone, paralyzed and unable to start up a conversation.

At that moment, I decided that I had two options, whether to keep feeling powerless and scared throughout the rest of the night or take the evening as an opportunity to meet up new people, enjoy myself and relax. I confess that the beer helped me to choose the later option.

As I was going around the room in circles, pretending that I was looking for my imaginary friends and ignoring my inner fears, I bumped into an acquaintance. My “almost-friend” was a team member of the Brighton Rockers and so, she introduced me to the derby team and I mingled with them. They turned out to be very fun and so, I spend most of my evening chatting, drinking and dancing with them. Nevertheless, there were no signs of my date from two days ago...

A couple of hours later, I saw her entering in the club. It would have been impossible to miss her as she was very tall, 6ft of a woman to be precise. For a “petite” girl like me that needs to jump up frantically to be able to reach the top kitchen cupboard, she was a bit of a giant… but a very nice and attractive one.

I approached her soon after I saw her. We chatted for a bit, but she seemed to be very keen on going back to her friends so, I let her go...

Maybe she is not that into me... I thought. However, she kept on checking me out from the distance every now and then…

LOVE GANGSTERS - Street Art found on the North Lanes in Brighton. Picture taken in February 2017.

I was a bit confused…. Does she like me or does she not? Why did she kiss me two days ago but is ignoring me now? Why does she keep on looking at me if she totally blew me off when I approached her? I don’t understand...

I decided to shut my inner monologue up and just have a good time with my new roller derby friends. I ignored the fact that my date, the one that positively surprised me with a kiss two days ago, was evading me… but the night wasn’t over yet and there were a lot of surprises and a plot twists yet to come…

To be continued...

The Business of Love: Can Marketing and Business rules help us achieving success in dating?

A few days ago, I was talking to one of my housemates about love and dating when he explained to me his latest epiphany about love. According to him, this simple idea has revolutionized his dating life and I would like to share his wisdom with my readers. You can decide for yourself whether it is good or bad advice and perhaps, you could even try it for a while and see if it works for you or not. More than a story, this is a conversation that went as follows:

“I had it all wrong… I used to have a type and like certain guys but they never liked me back… I used to fall for men that were not interested and I have suffered a lot over the years” He said while taking the last slide of pizza from the kitchen table. 

This was true, I remember him chasing big gym rats at nightclubs that never looked at him twice or finding him sobbing in the living room over some guy that didn’t even know of his existence.

“… but one day I had an epiphany and everything started to change…” He continued looking throw the window to the endless sky as if he was about to reveal the biggest mystery of mankind. 

That was totally his style. He is a skinny tall drama queen with a mystic halo wrapped in low crotch yoga pants. But his confidence and the noises coming from his room over the past week (that confirmed that in fact, he had been receiving some night action) got me interested.

 “I realized that I needed to discover my market value and find my target audience,” He said in between pizza bites as if everything coming out of his mouth made perfect sense.

“Eh….??? What have you been smoking honey?” My very down-to-earth and slightly sceptical housemate replied.

“I’m telling you that if you want to be successful in dating, you need to find what you have that other people might value highly, what it is unique about you… That my friend is your market value!” He said placing his half-eaten pizza slide on the side and moving his hands around as if he was giving a business seminar in front of a large crowd.

“Then you need to find who it is interested in what you have to offer, who will value your uniqueness…  That is your target audience!” He continued very seriously without even blinking once.

His passion for communicating his ideas was contagious and I felt a strange impulse to clap when he paused. However, I repressed my clapping urge when I realized that, overall, I wasn’t sure that I understood what he meant. Then an unconformable silence invaded the kitchen and, for a minute or two, I kept on looking back and forth at both of my housemates with an eyebrow raised and in need of a further explanation.

Shop window in Bond Street,  Brighton. Picture taken January 2017.

“Just think about it for a minute… instead of looking for a partner that you like, find a pool of people that like you and then pick among them the closest match to what you like… Just reverse the problem” He added before taking a big sip of the cucumber water that he always carries around.

More silence followed his explanation. I guess that my housemate and I needed some time to process his latest words.

“I’m not sure that applying marketing and business rules to dating can work for finding true love” I finally said breaking my silence. 

I confess that in the back of my mind, I knew that his approach did make a lot of sense, but my inner hopeless romantic resisted the idea of applying an “optimizing outcomes” approach when it comes to emotions. However, his revelation has sowed doubt in my mind.

Could marketing and business rules help us to achieve success in love and dating? Is there such a thing as “emotional strategy”? Can we choose who we love or are love and emotions completely out of our control?

Maybe the key to finding love is to pay more attention to those who pay attention to us but we have not really considered them as “possible mating partners”. Perhaps we have been so blind trying to reach our own targets that we forgot to look around.

I look forward to hearing what my readers think, so please leave a comment below :)!

The Cinderella test

She ticks all of the boxes for being the girl of my dreams but she still has to pass the Cinderella test.

As a girl who likes shoes, it has always been my dream to find a girlfriend who shares my size so I would double the number of available pairs for me to wear in my wardrobe. Also, wearing someone’s shoes is an intimate experience, not only at a hygiene level (as your foot is sweating directly into the same space that another foot has sweated before), but it also has such powerful symbolic implications that for me, it might be the ultimate expression of true love. My dream girl would not only have to share my hobbies, interests and, have a similar vision of the world, but she would also need to share my shoe size. For her to be my Cinderella she needs to fit into my shoes and I need to fit into hers.

But how could I find out her shoe size without making myself look like a crazy person?

Given the fact that she is only an acquaintance and completely unaware of my emerging feelings towards her, asking her directly about her shoe size might be a bit awkward. Perhaps I should stop fantasizing about strangers in the first place, but I feel that I need some romance in my life, even if it is only in my mind and probably not even reciprocated. I want to have someone that occupies my thoughts this winter and she seems to be the perfect candidate… but I need to find out her shoe size first before I appoint her as the supreme princess of my own fantasy world.

Street Art found in Brighton. Picture taken in December 2016

“Nice shoes…” I said to her when we crossed paths.
  
"Want a fuck?” my inner voice echoed remembering a silly joke from a "pretending to be funny" and "useful as a conversation started" t-shirt that a guy was wearing the other day at a bar.

“Thanks, I got them on sale from a place in town last week” She replied smiling.

“Cool… what is your size?... I mean… not that I want to wear your shoes or anything… I mean… do you think that they might have them in my size?... I mean… I will probably not buy the same shoes as you… that will be weird, right?… Do they have them in a different colour?” My morning spray deodorant was not enough for the amount of sweat that my body was producing… I wish that the earth would crack and swallow me right now, but unfortunately, I had to face her puzzled gaze.

“I’m not sure… you could definitely go to the shop and look around” She said and discretely stepped away from me.

“I got to go… I’m late for this thing” She added.

“Sure, nice to see you” I replied with my head up high but my soul wringing inside.

…and there it goes my attempt number 1 of finding out her show size! I don’t think that it could get any weirder than that now… 

I put back on my giant headphones and kept on walking… There was only one song that could cheer me up after my completely socially awkward moment. So, I scrolled down my playlists in desperate need to find some musical comfort. As I heard the first notes of the piano melody I immediately started to feel better. Only my favourite Disney princess Elsa singing “Let it go” could relieve my emotional pain.

Lonely shoe found at Brighton Beach (2014).

Maybe I should seriously start thinking about growing up… I thought to myself while I started to plan my attempt number 2 of finding out her shoe size.

To be continued…

Let’s go to a lesbian bar on Friday…!!!

“We need to find you a girl! Let’s go to a lesbian bar on Friday!” My straight housemate said with some nuance of compassion after telling me about her magical mini-holiday with her perfect boyfriend.

Her words made me smile. Her active approach to quickly solving my lesbian spinsterhood in a one-night plan was definitely well-intended, but perhaps slightly simplistic. It was coming from her naïve “straight” vision of the world. A place where a girl can just walk into a bar on a Friday night with the right attitude and skirt length and find a competent romantic companion. However, the ‘hunting ritual’ among ‘women who like women’ seems to work in a slightly different way than in the rest of the male-dominated universe… or at least that is what a decade of experience as a lesbian woman has taught me.

“It doesn’t work that way… I can’t just walk into a bar and find a girl…” I replied to her mildly ambitious but very desirable Friday night plan.

“Why not?” She innocently asked.

 “Because…. ” As I started to reply, I realized that I didn’t know the answer to that question…. Why meeting someone as a lesbian woman seems to be such an impossible mission…? 

I interpreted her question as a challenge to my psychological barriers and not as if perhaps she considered the possibility that, after all of this time single, it had never occurred to me to go to a bar before.

“Because… there isn’t a lesbian bar in Brighton!” I finally said after some hesitation.

“What? There is not a Lesbian bar in Brighton? Are you kidding me!?! In Brighton!!! The gay capital of the UK!! There is not a lesbian bar?” She heatedly said with her cheery Canadian accent.

“I know, right?! There was one a few years ago, but it closed down”. I said while the memory of the only time that I went to the small lesbian bar in town with a date popped up into my mind. 

I remember the intimidating feeling of being in a poorly illuminated basement that had a pool table in the middle and a couple drinking booths on the side. There were also some small intimate rooms with beads curtains that were only a few watts away to be considered dark rooms. The bar was almost empty and the few other customers that night were mature butchy lesbians whose gaze immediately penetrated us from the minute we entered the bar as if they had never seen two young lesbian women before. I guess that the closing down of lesbian nightclubs around the world might confirm that women, as opposed to men, don’t go out with the ultimate and only intention of pulling.

“But where do lesbian women meet then?” My housemate asked me as if all lesbians living in Brighton would form part of the same society that regularly meets up as train enthusiasts do. 

“Well… there is a theater bar that generally gathers queer women…, perhaps we could go there.” I said feeling already the excitement of our “exploring the lesbian nightlife” Friday plan.

The week ended and we found ourselves in the unofficial female queer bar in town with few other friends as planned. This time, the Friday night gathering had diverted its way into the lesbian territory. The singles always drive the night and tonight was “my night”.

As we looked around the bar crowd, deducting the “taken”, the “perhaps too old” or “maybe too young” and, subtracting all gay men, the search count of possible mating partners for the evening produced 1 only possible match: the bartender!

Brighton Street Art. Picture taken in August 2016.

Unfortunately, we had already online-matched before and went on a date a couple of years ago…  Once again the lesbian pool in Brighton had confirmed its small size! 

“Should I give bartender-girl another try? After all… I’m kind of short of ankle shocks” I commented to my friends.

“Ankle shocks?” My Scottish-feminist friend asked baffled. 

“Yeah… She left a pair of ankle shocks in my room and… I washed them and I´ve been using them since” I replied a bit embarrassed.

“That’s legit!” She answered comforting my shame for wearing online-date’s left-over clothes.

“But I had to clean a nasty bathroom to get them…” I continued in my attempt to bring some suspense into the story that I was about to narrate. (Read the full date story post: “Brighton Beach + Seagulls + Alcohol”).

The night was coming to an end and not many interactions outside my group of friends were done. My team's mission of finding a girl on a Friday night failed this time.

“I might have miscalculated my skirt length tonight,” I said to my housemate on the way home.

“I’m sorry that we could not find you a girl tonight Boo!” My housemate replied resigned.

“It’s Ok… Who needs a girl when you have good friends to go out on a Friday night anyway…” I said and clumsily side-hugged her in an attempt to communicate my “drunken love for the world” as well as keep my balance.

“I guess that being a lesbian is tough…” She said expressing her recent understanding of the gap between her experience in dating as a straight woman and my experience of dating as a lesbian one.

“Well… if it wasn’t that difficult, I wouldn’t have anything to write about!” I said.

My beloved Brighton from the sky. Picture taken in August 2016