Here is the story: (Maybe play this song while reading, but it's just a recommendation).
Facing a crush when you have been rejected is never easy, but unfortunately, we work together and so, we both got invited to the same office Christmas party. I was secretly fearing that I was going to be given some kind of "biggest loser of the term award" or "worst uncomfortable public love rejection prize" this year at the party after my clumsy attempt to ask "my crush" out while at least 5 other people could clearly hear us through the fake wooden wall that divided my office and the one next door (see "but she doesn't like me" for the full shameful story).
However, I decided to ignore my emotions, push away my social anxieties and go to the event anyway. I didn't care if she was going or not. There were going to be around 100 people at the party and, it was taking place at a newly re-furbished trendy venue on the Brighton seafront. The party was very promising and I didn't want to miss out. Most of the "water-fountain" conversations (or in this case the kettle/Nespresso machine gatherings) at the office that week were predicting a fantastic party with Christmas songs and other pop top chart tunes as the night soundtrack and everyone I knew was going. Why would I miss having a good time for a mildly (although bigger from the inside) heart crack?
I was doing OK at dealing with my office crush rejection on a daily basis anyway. For the past few weeks, we exchanged mostly work-related talks and whether small chats (for those of you who are reading from outside my beloved UK, talking about the atmospheric conditions is a national obsession). Things were going smoothly between us, however, I wasn't sure that I was ready to face her after work hours while alcohol consumption and sexy dancing were expected.
I knew what I had to do that night though. My strategy was going to be easy: "be nice to her, take your distance and avoid any type of romantic approach or puppy eyes or any kind of creepy moves near her". I knew that asking her out again or making any strange emotional-love-related question was completely forbidden and definitely out of place.
The night was going according to my plan. I didn't completely ignore her, we actually talked a bit (about work and the atmospheric conditions, of course...) and we even shared a drink and some innocent laughs at the bar, but I spent most of my night mingling with my colleagues, dancing and laughing. I was looking great, feeling great, talking to everyone and dancing lots. But..
At some point in the night, I bumped into my Canadian housemate at the "ladies" (also a PhD student that was aware of my emotional drama and had offered her emotional support if needed at any point of the night). My made-in-Canada emotional crutches and I decided to go outside for a smoke (no judgements here: I was drinking, pushing deep down my emotions and it was a party and.... Christmas after all....). My housemate had to make a phone call to her boyfriend, who was expected to come to the party, and I decided to go ahead and stepped outside on my own for a minute, the night was going great. What can possibly go wrong now?
As soon as I stepped outside, there it was: My office crush was kissing a guy at the end of the designated smoking area. I froze. I was OK with her not liking me, but I wasn't ready to see her with someone else.
My feet turned around and stepped inside again. "Wait, no! What I am doing? Go outside and ignore her, be better than that!" I said to myself. So, I stepped outside again with the intention of smoking that discussing a piece of nicotine that I had on my hand... but... there they were again, kissing in the dark. F**K!
My feet immediately turned around again and step inside following my wounded heart without the consent of my brain. NO! Go outside, pretend that everything is OK, have that smoke, you can do it! you are a strong woman and it's been a while... you have already accepted your defeat weeks ago... GO! I consciously turned around again and stepped outside with my head up... but... they were kissing.... that was not an innocent drunk kiss... that was a proper full-tongue made-out-session. F**K!
I turned around and step inside again. My back-and-forth, in-and-out silly moves were noticed by my housemate that looked at me funny. She pushed me outside and we joined a group of colleagues that were outside smoking at a table. After my Canadian mate lighted her self-destructive poison cylinder, she noticed "them" kissing at the back and finally understood my strange moves under the door frame.
"Are you OK?" she said while passing me a lighter with one hand and putting the other behind my back touching my shoulder.
"Sure! I´m fine.... a bit drunk maybe!" I said while lighting up my rollie and reciprocating her smile with a lazy attempt of moving up my facial muscles.
When we went inside again, John (of course not his real name), a tall handsome gay guy that knew about my crush, grabbed my arm and pulled me apart.
"If I wasn't gay, you will be definitely my office crush" He said while looking at me deeply into my eyes. He probably saw her (my office crush) making out in the dark and wanted to comfort me.
"You are so pretty and nice, and amazing... maybe you are too good for her...ohhhhh" He said almost singing while winking his left eye. A dance version of Believe from Cher was playing in the background and he matched his last words with the lyrics of the song before the chorus (... and maybe I'm too good for you.... ohhhh....).
I don't remember exactly how the conversation followed, but after a long 20 minutes of self-esteem booster intervention from his side, I was feeling better. He said that he didn't understand why I was single and that she (my office crush) was not very pretty and a bit neurotic anyway... His words make me feel better, but at the same time, I was ashamed of sharing my feelings with my office colleagues... especially because he mentioned that he talked to my office crush about me once.... that made my whole body wrinkled and I felt a stabbing pain on my stomach.
After that, I poorly attempted to mingle again with the rest of the party and dance, but my soul was crushed and my head was starting to feel the "too many gin & tonics" that I had consumed. So, I grabbed my housemate and said:
"Can we go now?"It was nearly the end of the night and half of the invitees was making their way home already.
"Of course honey!" She said grabbing her coat and mine and making a sign to her boyfriend to grab his.
"and for the record... you look amazing tonight" She added. I smiled and gave her a big hug and the three of us made our way home.
And that was it... Sometimes you just need to accept your defeat, but losing a battle doesn't mean losing the war... there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... That might have been the end of my office crush story, but not the end of my offline-dating stories of 2015 as I might have met someone else already.... (well, we sort of knew each other before, but we didn't have the opportunity to share a beer and a dance on a Saturday night...).
Of course, after that many online and offline disasters (you just need to read my blog to get an idea...) I'm keeping my feet on the ground... she is a fellow writer too (much more talented than I am)... but, as Marilyn Monroe said once: "... lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.."
Never stop believing! Good things come to those who wait!
To be continued...
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| All's well that ends well! Traffic sign found in San Francisco (2014). |
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