7 common break-up lines: what do they really mean!

Have you been dumped with a ready-made break-up line and wondered what did it really mean? Based on my experience as an online (and offline) serial dater, I learned to decode the Rejector -Rejected language. Here is a list of some common break-up lines and my possible interpretations.

A note of warning before reading this post: My translation skills are not perfect. The true meaning behind the words of your rejector can only be explained by that person. Asking for some extra elaboration straight from the source in case of confusion is always recommended. However, not always getting in touch with former lovers for answers is an option. My humble guide aims to help rejected ones with getting some closure.

1. Is not you, it's me = I don't think that you are right for me.

If you think carefully about this cliché line, in a way it is saying that it is you... but also them! They feel that you are just not right for them, but you will be definitely suitable for someone else... Keep looking and you will find someone that feels differently about you. There's a lid for every pot!

2. I don't think that this is working anymore = I can't be bothered to make this work anymore.

For whatever reason, your ex-lover doesn’t want to invest more time and effort in you and your story. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to love you, so it might be time to move on! The world is full of people that are ready to love, so don't waste your time with someone who isn't!

3. I don't see where this is going = I don't see any future with you.

They probably don't even know where they want to go in the first place... But one thing is sure, that you are not in their future plans. Not being in someone else's future plans is always painful but think that always the future is uncertain... a lot of things can happen like meeting someone that can see the future with you. Keep looking!

4. I'm not LOOKING for a relationship right now = I don't want to be in a relationship with YOU, but if I find someone else that interests me enough, I'll definitely give it a go...

Don't be surprised if a few months down the line you bump into your "ex" on the street and they are already married and waiting for their first child... Nobody is looking for a relationship, but if they find someone that makes them feel "that thing" that everyone talks about, they will jump into it. You should be with someone that is ready to jump with you... You deserve it! 

5. I don't have TIME for a relationship right now. I'm very busy and/or stressed out with work at the moment = I can be bothered to spend more time with you and blame it on my work.

If you really want to see someone, you make the time somehow! Don't wait for them, they are not going to be less busy in the near future for you... It's their loss!! If they don't want to make time for you, find someone else who will!

6. I'm just not READY for a relationship right now = I still have unresolved feelings for somebody else.

Who is ever ready for a relationship? If you are genuinely interested in someone, you just don't think about being ready or not, you just jump into whatever there is... So, it might be that there is something else holding them from jumping... Again, it's their loss!! If they are not emotionally available, find someone who is!

7. I met someone else = I met someone else.

If you hear this words at least you should be grateful that they are telling you the truth. If they were able to met someone else, so are you.... take some time if you need, but put yourself out there again to find someone else too!

The general meaning behind these common break-up lines is that THEY WERE PROBABLY NOT THAT INTO YOU AND YOU SHOULD MOVE ON!

I don't understand why people try to be nice when breaking up with someone! A breakup is a break-up and it will hurt regardless of the way that it is served. Honesty over politeness should always be a MUST when breaking up with someone...

I think that for once in my life I would like someone to break up with me with the honest and blunt line "I'm just not that into you" Why do people try to be nice? If you are breaking up with someone, so you are hurting them anyway, you might as well save them the trouble of wondering "what did they really mean" if you just say what you mean and feel.

The good news for you is that research on breakups says that over time the one that does the break up usually ends up having in high regard the person that they dumped. However, if you are the one that is being rejected, you will start to develop negative feelings for that person as they hurt you. It is our own psychological immune system that protects us from being hurt by that person again.

There are plenty of singles out there looking to meet their other half, so get out there as you might be luckier next time...

Look both ways. San Francisco, 2014.

My dating fears

A Spanish philosopher said once that happiness is the absence of fear. If that holds true for love, then revising my dating fears should be part of my homework to achieve happiness in relationships.

Fear to me feels like the dark smoke from LOST: a dark scary cloud that fogs my mind and paralyzed my body. 

As a rational human being, I want to think that if I can understand my dating fears, the smoke should vanish. However, my past attempts to overcome my irrational fear of snakes have proven the opposite. Nevertheless, here is a list of my dating fears hoping that someone might relate to them: 

      The fear of rejection is possibly my first paralyzer. No one likes to be “not invited” into someone else life. It leaves a feeling of “What did I do wrong? Did I say something inappropriate?” that for a dedicated self-perfectionist person like me is unbearable. Felling rejected in any relationship attempt or a social group bounding always makes me feel little, small, unprotected, vulnerable… like a neglected child in a rainy playground. Then, Why should I put myself in a situation that might end up in this feeling?

The fear of needing someone for my world to function. Someone once made a joke about how I’m so independent that I probably lost my virginity on my own. As much as I’m proud of self-sufficient functioning around the world when it comes to finding love, it can be a liability.

I fear needing someone external to myself for my world to keep spinning around. I don’t want to let my world into the hands of a stranger. Through my years of experience socializing in the world, I have learned that people can be unreliable and can also change their minds easily. Then, why should I introduce a threat into my self-sufficient world?

The fear of losing control over my emotions. Someone, I know recently referred to her ex as “that crazy bitch”. That negative denomination was coming out of the same mouth that once kissed passionately that “crazy bitch”. I wondered what a person has to do or say to be referred to as such by someone that loved you once.

I guess that love is one of the most intense emotions that we experience and keeping full control of emotions can often be a trial-and-error process. Since I have no experience in long-term relationships at 30, I fear being in a situation in which I lose control over my emotions. I’m afraid of emotionally charged situations and how I am going to manage my emotions (and deep down I’m afraid of being called a crazy bitch). So, if I'm scared of losing control over my emotions in a romantic situation, why should I induce myself into situations in which I could lose control?

The fear of not being able to appreciate or enjoy love: Most people say that you only appreciate something when it’s gone when it is already too late… So, I fear that even if I make the effort to overcome all of the previous fears and I find love, I won’t be able to appreciate it or fully enjoy it. That it might become mundane to me and I will eventually lose interest. Why should I bother to overcome my previous fears if I’m not going to get satisfaction out of love anyway?

This previous list of fears has fogged my mind in my dating life in the past. My fears had focused my attention on the emotional losses of the lottery of love and blinded me from the small positive moments that I could have won. Fear projected a negative emotional forecast of hypothetical undesirable futures that prevented me from collecting positive moments in the now. Concentrating my focus on collecting small wins in the present has been my weapon to fight fear lately. 

I confess that I have been feeling pretty strong and confident about my dating life lately. However, sometimes, even if your fears don’t paralyze you from inviting someone into the dance of love, other people might also have their own dark fog that might stop the music. It sucks, but knowing that there is always more music in other bars waiting to be danced should help.

Find the music and don’t be scared to dance!

My favorite mediation place in Brighton.

...but... she doesn't like ME!

After my last post "She likes girls..." you might be wondering what happened with my office crush, so here is the story...

The day after our conversation in the parking lot after yoga, we went for coffee to discuss some work-related stuff but did not talk about our previous conversation in which I asked her out (for a second time this year). However, she was being overly nice that morning, so I understood her kindness as a positive sign.

A week passed and we had many positive/awkward/shy encounters around the office, but no mention of my dinner proposal. I needed to get an answer, but during working hours it is difficult to find the right moment. Finally, one Tuesday morning she was in my office checking out some work thing and I decided to open the topic again. She had her hand on the doorknob and was about to leave my office. Quick, say something now, she is going and the doubt of what her words "let's talk tomorrow" meant was eating me alive.

"So...., do you want to go for dinner with me then?" I finally said as she was opening the door. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. The question just left my body and it was out there again. An awkward silence invaded the room. She turned around keeping her hand on the knob with the door half open.

"Sure, we can do that," She said in a very relaxed way.

WHAT? Did she just say YES? what do I do now? I was not prepared for a positive outcome... Should I propose a day and time now? I'm paralyzed looking at her eyes, I need to say something... what do I say?

"Wait.... if you mean a dinner date then NO, but we can go for dinner as friends" She added. In a microsecond, my mood when from pure joy to deep sadness.

"Sure that sounds good" I said. WHAAAT???!!!??? That is the worst idea ever!!!! I don't want to go for dinner with her as friends, that will be awkward. Me staring at her face like an idiot while she tells me in confidence all of her previous boyfriends/girlfriends stories doesn't sound like a great idea. I was still frozen, paralyzed, no words were coming out of my mouth but my face was probably showing my disappointment after her last sentence.

"Look...." She said while letting go of the doorknob and fully turning around towards me. Nothing good can come after the word "look..." So, I stood up there waiting for the punch in my stomach. Here it comes...

"I'm not dating these days... and it feels great. It is the longest time I've been single and with my PhD and everything.... I can't... I'm sure that you would understand" She said.

"Of course, no problem," I said with a fake smile. My social pride mode just kicked off and I was showing my most happy and understanding face on the outside while everything was cracking down on the inside. Awkward silence again. Keep smiling, and look at the door, maybe she would get the hint and leave.

I want to run and go, but it is my office... Mental note: next time, please ask uncomfortable questions in an open space or at least somewhere where you can find an excuse to leave. I'm not sure for how much longer I can pull off my fake smile... She needs to leave now or I  might crack down soon... Keep smiling...

"... but we can go as friends, or maybe after..." She continued. She needs to leave my office now... I'm very uncomfortable at the moment, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.


"It's fine, no worries... I'm sorry for asking, I hope that it wasn't awkward, I hope it didn't make you feel uncomfortable." I said pretending to be fine with the outcome of our conversation.

"When you get to your thirties you just have nothing to lose..." I said in an attempt to auto-justify my poor attempt at a dinner invitation.

"I don't have that time anxiety...." She said. What time anxiety? She does clearly not understand my point and I need her to rush out of my office, my tears were about to come down. My eyes started to feel a bit watery. Keep smiling.

"Sure, I understand," I said with a big great fake smile. After another few seconds of awkward silence, she finally got the doorknob again and left. It was done, I tried and fail but... at least I tried.

After she left my office I heard a cough coming from the other side of the wall. Since none of my co-office mates were in that day, the noise could just only come from the other side of the fake wall. A few weeks ago, when I moved into my new common office the first thing that my colleagues warned me about was that the fake wooden wall that divided my office and the next one was very thin and that you could clearly hear everything coming from the other side. It was great for gossiping, one of my colleagues mentioned.

GREAT! I have not only been rejected by my office crush, but half of my department heard the conversation. The office next door was fully occupied that morning... And I guess that my awkward dinner invitation just made it into the top gossip hall of shame this year... I can already see myself collecting the LOOOSER  award at the Christmas party...!!!

Anyway, a few weeks have passed and after a lot of rumination, I have come to the conclusion that "I'm not dating at the moment" is what someone not interested might say in order to not hurt someone's feelings, but if someone is really interested, they will definitely go for dinner. So... She likes girls... but, she doesn't like ME! It's time to move on!

My real-life attempt to find love failed this year and my online dating life seems the only consolation at the moment. I've been chatting with gorgeous goodness on Tinder (I don't know if she is even real or not....) and we have plans to go for a drink soon, so I'll write a full report if that finally happens.

Poster on my wall. My desired narrative of Brighton 2015.

To be continued...