A Spanish philosopher said once that happiness is the absence of fear. If that holds true for love, then revising my dating fears should be part of my homework to achieve happiness in relationships.
Fear to me feels like the
dark smoke from LOST: a dark scary cloud that fogs my mind and paralyzed my
body.
As a rational human
being, I want to think that if I can understand my dating fears, the smoke should
vanish. However, my past attempts to overcome my irrational fear of snakes have
proven the opposite. Nevertheless, here is a list of my dating fears hoping
that someone might relate to them:
The fear
of rejection is possibly my first paralyzer. No one likes to be “not invited” into someone else life. It leaves a
feeling of “What did I do wrong? Did I say
something inappropriate?” that for a dedicated self-perfectionist person
like me is unbearable. Felling rejected in any relationship attempt or a social
group bounding always makes me feel little, small, unprotected, vulnerable…
like a neglected child in a rainy playground. Then, Why should I put myself in a situation that might end up in this
feeling?
The fear of needing someone for my world to function. Someone once made a joke about how I’m so independent that I probably lost my virginity on my own. As much as I’m proud of self-sufficient functioning around the world when it comes to finding love, it can be a liability.
I
fear needing someone external to myself for my world to keep spinning around. I
don’t want to let my world into the hands of a stranger. Through my years of experience
socializing in the world, I have learned that people can be unreliable and can
also change their minds easily. Then, why
should I introduce a threat into my self-sufficient world?
The fear of losing control over my emotions. Someone, I know recently referred to her ex as “that crazy bitch”. That negative denomination was coming out of the same mouth that once kissed passionately that “crazy bitch”. I wondered what a person has to do or say to be referred to as such by someone that loved you once.
I
guess that love is one of the most intense emotions that we experience and
keeping full control of emotions can often be a trial-and-error process. Since I
have no experience in long-term relationships at 30, I fear being in a
situation in which I lose control over my emotions. I’m afraid of emotionally charged
situations and how I am going to manage my emotions (and deep down I’m afraid
of being called a crazy bitch). So, if I'm scared of losing control over my
emotions in a romantic situation, why
should I induce myself into situations in which I could lose control?
The fear of not being able to appreciate or enjoy love: Most people say that you only appreciate something when it’s gone when it is already too late… So, I fear that even if I make the effort to overcome all of the previous fears and I find love, I won’t be able to appreciate it or fully enjoy it. That it might become mundane to me and I will eventually lose interest. Why should I bother to overcome my previous fears if I’m not going to get satisfaction out of love anyway?
This previous list of
fears has fogged my mind in my dating life in the past. My fears had focused my
attention on the emotional losses of the lottery of love and blinded me from
the small positive moments that I could have won. Fear projected a negative emotional forecast
of hypothetical undesirable futures that prevented me from collecting positive
moments in the now. Concentrating my focus on collecting small wins in the present has
been my weapon to fight fear lately.
I confess that I have been feeling pretty strong and
confident about my dating life lately. However, sometimes,
even if your fears don’t paralyze you from inviting someone into the dance of
love, other people might also have their own dark fog that might stop the music. It sucks, but knowing
that there is always more music in other bars waiting to be danced should help.
Find the music and don’t
be scared to dance!
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| My favorite mediation place in Brighton. |
