Two online lesbian dates on one night! - My Tinder double date story

Internet dating can be very unpredictable... You might spend hours and days sending messages, or "planting seeds" as one of my friends calls it, but nothing happens.

In general, 100 online messages sent = 0 lesbian dates.

But one day suddenly 110 messages transform into 2 dates on the same day! This is the story of my double online date on a very warm spring Thursday evening in Brighton:

After my offline dating failures of 2015/16, I decided to embrace the unpredictable lottery of internet dating again. I started to chat with a few people, but nothing seemed to lead to any real dates. On Monday evening, a girl (let's call her Jane) asked me to go for a drink that Thursday. I replied to her message accepting the invitation. However, she never replied to me back confirming the time or place after that.

A few days passed with no news from Jane. On Thursday morning, as I was checking Tinder to see if she had replied to my message, already assuming that there was not going to be a date, I received a message from another girl (let's call her Carol).

Carol and I seemed to have few common 2nd connections on Facebook according to Tinder, so we started a blind guess game to see if we could find the common link between us. She told me that I looked familiar to her and that, perhaps, we might have seen or met before in Brighton. I confess that I was sharing the same feeling about her. Could have we met before?

As I was working at my desk, surrounded by my office mates, I sent her my phone number so we could continue chatting outside the Tinder App. I had already accumulated enough embarrassing dating stories around the office during the previous year, so the last thing I wanted was to be seen chatting on Tinder during working hours (Read previous posts "... but... she doesn't like me" or "and... she likes someone else").

A few minutes later, I received the following text message:

"I put your number in my phone and the crazy thing is I already had it under a different name!!! Alaska? Are you the same person? I can't quite remember the circumstances around acquiring the number, but it might have been at a club in London years ago... Hahahaha... my phone is pretty damn old after all..."

I jumped from my desk when I read the name Alaska. It was my alias on my Gaydargirls’ old account. I opened a profile there back in 2008 as my “finding love” year’s resolution (Read my post: My first online date) but I had barely used it for the last 5 or 6 years.

Would it be possible that Carol and I have gone on a date before?

Brighton Seafront Graffiti. March 2016.

I replied that it might be possible that we exchanged numbers years ago, but that I thought that we might have never ended up meeting. I added that we should try to grab a drink this time.

Finding a time for meeting up that weekend seemed difficult, so she proposed to meet up that evening for a quick drink. I agreed since my plans with Jane didn’t seem to be confirmed after all.

Nevertheless, one hour later, when the excitement about meeting intriguing Carol that night was still running high, I received a message from Jane apologizing for her late reply and confirming the date for tonight.

What do I do now?

Can I meet two girls on the same night?

I really wanted to meet up with Carol and solve the mystery of the previously exchanged phone number and the common connections that we seemed to have. But on the other hand, I already made plans with Jane days ago and cancelling last minute might not be very polite.

Should I meet Carol to satisfy my curiosity or should I meet Jane and keep up my word? Luckily for me, they were, in their own way, equally attractive, so I was free of the temptation of making a decision based on looks. Nevertheless, my indecision led me to schedule both dates for that night but 1.5 hours apart from each other.

I was meeting Jane at the White Rabbit at 8 pm. She was already there when I arrived. She was definitely prettier than in her online profile pictures, but unfortunately, our conversation didn’t flow much.

I tried not to talk too much, but whenever I tried to get more information from her, she replied in a very vague way and displayed minimum details about herself, her hobbies or her life.

I decided to move the conversation into the “Brighton and being gay” topic, since living in the same city and sharing the same sexual orientation was, at least, something that we had in common. We both agreed on the fact that the lesbian leisure agenda around the area is heavily dominated by team sports. Lonely exercisers that love running, cycling or swimming don’t get to meet other women as easily as rugby, hockey, football or Roller Derby players.

One hour after, both drinks were finished. Perhaps it was time to start putting in place my escape plan so I could get to my second date in time before a second drink could be suggested.

I told Jane that my housemate was coming back from holidays and had no keys to the house, so I needed to get back early as I was expecting a call from him any minute now. She didn’t seem very bothered by my poorly elaborated lie. If anything, she seemed relieved.

We should meet some other time” I said after hugging her goodbye. I felt curious about her mysteriousness and thought that overall, for a first date, it didn’t go that bad (Read another post of my blog to get an idea of bad dates examples: The music-Nazi girl or an uncomfortable date at the seafront).

“Sure” She replied raising her eyebrows.

However, a glint of irony on Jane’s face and her tune hinted to that she was not planning to meet me again anytime soon.

“Oh well… it’s her loss!” I thought to myself. I need to go now but her house seemed to be in the same walking direction that The Marlborough, the pub was my second date was happening and the only territory that has been claimed by lesbians and trans in the Brighton nightlife.

I left in the opposite direction only to lose sight of my date number one, walking with my self-esteem a bit down after her rejection and feeling completely stupid for walking in circles around the North Lanes.

 

Bansky's Kissing Coppers. Frederic Pl, Brighton North Lanes.

When I arrived at the second pub, Carol was waiting at the bar chatting with some people. Apparently, she didn’t know them but started to chat with them while ordering and so we spend the first 10 minutes of our date with two middle-aged gay men from Australia that bought me a drink out of the blue.

One free drink and very positive vibes: date number two could have not started better. I confess that my first impression of Carol was that she looked slightly less attractive than in her profile pictures. However, she was definitely much chattier and more open than Jane and the conversation flowed well.

Once again, I found myself with two empty drinks in front of me and one date staring into my eyes. Should I suggest a second drink now?

“Do you want another round?” Carol said anticipating my thoughts.

“I do, but I’m perhaps non-alcoholic,” I said in my attempt of being responsible on a school night.

I don’t usually drink, so the previous drink with Jane plus the free one with Carol was enough for me to start feeling a bit tipsy.

“I need to catch on the last train thought, I’m staying with my parents in Lewes,” She said looking at her very big manly watch.

“Right, so you don’t live in Brighton?” I asked.

“Actually… I live in Lincon, I’m just visiting my parents for the bank holiday weekend” She confessed.

Lincoln? That is further away from Sheffield, which is about 3 to 4 hours by train…. That is very inconvenient for planning a second date! I thought. Well…, she might just want to have some fun for the night… I’m fine with that I guess... She is pretty, interesting and cheerful, so, why not?

When we finished our second drink, she rushed her way out of the pub so she could catch the last train. Since I live in the same direction, I walked with her to the train station. When we got to my street, I stopped her.

“Do you want to come up?” I asked.

“I need to catch the train” She replied very firmly.

“Right, so, do you want to plan a second date then? I said in a slightly drunken manner.

“I’m not back in Brighton until next month or so, but yeah! I let you know when I’m around again” She said. She sounded genuine and honest.

“I need to run now to catch the train” She finally said.

“Well, if you miss it, you can always stay at mine and grab the first one in the morning” I added.

An awkward moment of silence followed my words. She looked at me for a minute before she started running to the train station.

By the time I got into my house and started to get into my pyjamas, I got a message from Carol:

“Thanks for a really interesting evening… It was great to meet you for the first time/maybe a second time ;) I was very tempted to take you up on that offer, but I don’t really want to do that on the first time meeting… XC”

To be continued…

"The Switcher Theory": A first step to forget that "someone" that broke your heart

Sometimes writers (if I can even call myself that) are not very happy with the outcome of their own work... I confess that am quite "disappointed" and embarrassed about my post on "How to overcome disappointment in love and still believe in romance". I don't think that I gave any useful advice to anyone trying to recover from a broken heart and so, the title did not live up to the expectations. I lied guys! and I'm sorry... Also, I found the post a bit lame to read. I have thought about deleting it, but perhaps revising it might be a better option and so, here are my amends:

The switcher-theory:
A first step to forgetting that "someone" that broke your heart


The other day I found myself explaining to one of my housemates my very own "switcher theory" and thought that actually my theory perhaps could be a bit more interesting for those of you out there who are trying to overcome love-related problems than my previous and shameful post cited earlier. And so, my theory goes as follows:

I defined a switcher as "the argument that makes you realise that your former (or current) other-half, the one that you once thought was the love of your life, was actually not right for you. This argument has the power of changing your feelings and views towards that person almost immediately". The switcher is that "something" that he or she believed in but that it might absolutely conflict with your personal world views or might go against your very own core values. Once you are able to find your switcher, you can peacefully start to move on. There can be more than one switcher, and the more switchers that you can find, the easier it will be to change your emotions towards that person.

As a result, after a breakup, you need to find your switcher, that argument that would convince you, and that it is irrefutable evidence, that your past relationship/lover/hookup/one-sided love is never going to fully make you happy as it is not the right person for you. Perhaps some can say that we are tricking our minds and feelings, but trust me, I've seen the power of the switcher when overcoming disappointment in love, and it can work within seconds of finding the right argument.

I'll give you a few examples:

Example 1: Once I dated a girl from the online world (a story yet to come) that told me that she thought that science was trying to kill the joy of life. She said that scientists were foolish if they thought that they could ever understand the meaning of life and, therefore, they were wasting their time and everyone's money on doing research. I generally tend to respect everyone's opinions even if they are completely opposed to my own. Why not? I'm not going to argue against anyone's own worldviews because core values and beliefs are very hard to change and, there is always room in this world for different views, right? It is foolish to try to impose your world views on others as it doesn't work that way, we all have our own personal beliefs and values and they are at the core of our identity. Aiming to change them is a very (if not impossible) job that I'm not willing to even attempt to do.

As a result, and following basic hypothetical syllogism (if A is B and B is C, therefore, A is C): if she thought that scientific work was stupid and useless and, I am a scientist (or pretend to be at least), in her world view I was stupid and my work was meaningless. Who can live happily ever after with someone that doesn't value your work?

When she said those words I actually did not give them too much importance and took them as some kind of weird joke, or perhaps I was just blinded by her external beauty. She was a self-defined artist and so, I tended to swallow her eccentricities and crazy speeches with humour. However, when we broke up (well.... I have to confess that she broke up with me BUT I thought about breaking up with her several times due to her quirkiness and multiple addictions...) I suddenly remembered her words about science and used them as my switcher.

How could I ever be happy as an almost-scientist with someone that thought that scientific work was trying to kill the joy of life? Well, perhaps I thought, it was one of those things that someone might not really believe but would say with a glass of wine (in her case with a full box) to challenge a conversational partner. But still, it was a very strong statement to be used as a controversial punch with the intention of looking for an intellectual discussion and it might have been a reflection of some kind of attention deficit or even a sign of some mental issues (possibly her case). So, I used her past words as one of my switchers to completely disregard her in my mind as a potential life partner.

Ok, I know what you are thinking, this might be a bit of an extreme example, but bear with me...

Example 2: I have a friend that has had addiction problems in the past but has fought hard to overcome them. He met a guy with whom he was in a relationship for almost a year. When they broke up, he had to find his switcher in order to move on. In his case, the switcher was that his former lover believed that using drugs on a non-regular basis and in low doses could be fun. He liked to use and share them with others and have some fun every now and then. 

As a result, over the period of time that they were together, he took and facilitated drugs to my friend and did not make a big deal when my friend started to develop his addiction patterns and anxieties again. In this case, if they would have stayed together, it would have been a disaster for my friend's health (and also to his financial situation). Its former partner drug's tolerance and the fact that he did not care about my friend's well-being but prioritized his own fun was my friend's switcher, what make him change his feelings towards his ex-other-half. My friend knew that he could never find that balance and moderation when it came to certain substances and so, abstinence was his only option. However, his former partner just thought that this attitude was some form of being a "party-pooper-joy kill". Their views on drugs and having fun, in conjunction to their past experiences were conflicting and could have been also very detrimental for one side of the relationship.

Ok, I know what you are thinking, perhaps this example might be a bit too extreme too, but I have one last one...


Example 3: Once upon of time I was in my late teens and had a crush on someone slightly older than me from high school. My inexperience and youthfulness made me put her up on a pedestal. Also, due to the fact that I was "still in the closet", I never actually did anything about this crush. We both left our home town to go to University (she left before I did) and so, our lives took different paths... The years passed and I forgot about her but, somewhere deep down a small part of me kept holding on to that young crush. She was sometimes the one that I would think of when listening to songs like "The one that got away" by Katy Perry or "Someone like you" by Adele and felt melancholic about my high school days. Our story was never resolved and so my one-sided love never had a clear end because at the time, I was still in the closet and I was not able to deal with my feelings properly.

A few years ago, we somehow ended up living within a 20 minutes drive from each other and, as we were about 1,000 miles away from our home town, she decided to contact me to meet up and reconnect. The passing of time and other "loves" had washed off my deep feelings for her, but I possibly had some unresolved high school issues towards her. We met up and this time, the blindfold that I carried for years had fallen off and I got to see her real character. I perceived for the first time how negative she was about everything: the restaurant was "cheap & tacky", the waiter was rude, the cutlery was dirty, the weather was bad, her job was unbearable... and so on and so forth. She was the kind of person whose complaints and negativity were a never-ending stream. Nothing was ever up to her standard. The last straw came when she complained about some lower back pain and I suggested to her that perhaps swimming (one of my passions) could help her, to which she replied:

"I tried swimming for a while, but it messed up my hair so, I gave up" WHAT? How can you prioritize your looks over your health? That was my final switcher.

I talked to an old friend of mine about our encounter and commented on how much she had changed over the years to what my friend pointed out that she had always been that way, but I was too blind to see it. In this case, the switcher that completely helped me to move on with my teenage feelings towards her was that she was an extremely negative person that prioritizes looks and external appearance over other things that are more important to me such as health, exercise or self-development. I could have never found happiness with someone like her.

Board done by my housemate in an afternoon of creative work with sprays (2015)

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So, as the message from the picture says, keep calm and don't give up, you will be able to find someone sometime, but if it doesn't work out, just find a switcher and move on...