My dating fears

A Spanish philosopher said once that happiness is the absence of fear. If that holds true for love, then revising my dating fears should be part of my homework to achieve happiness in relationships.

Fear to me feels like the dark smoke from LOST: a dark scary cloud that fogs my mind and paralyzed my body. 

As a rational human being, I want to think that if I can understand my dating fears, the smoke should vanish. However, my past attempts to overcome my irrational fear of snakes have proven the opposite. Nevertheless, here is a list of my dating fears hoping that someone might relate to them: 

      The fear of rejection is possibly my first paralyzer. No one likes to be “not invited” into someone else life. It leaves a feeling of “What did I do wrong? Did I say something inappropriate?” that for a dedicated self-perfectionist person like me is unbearable. Felling rejected in any relationship attempt or a social group bounding always makes me feel little, small, unprotected, vulnerable… like a neglected child in a rainy playground. Then, Why should I put myself in a situation that might end up in this feeling?

The fear of needing someone for my world to function. Someone once made a joke about how I’m so independent that I probably lost my virginity on my own. As much as I’m proud of self-sufficient functioning around the world when it comes to finding love, it can be a liability.

I fear needing someone external to myself for my world to keep spinning around. I don’t want to let my world into the hands of a stranger. Through my years of experience socializing in the world, I have learned that people can be unreliable and can also change their minds easily. Then, why should I introduce a threat into my self-sufficient world?

The fear of losing control over my emotions. Someone, I know recently referred to her ex as “that crazy bitch”. That negative denomination was coming out of the same mouth that once kissed passionately that “crazy bitch”. I wondered what a person has to do or say to be referred to as such by someone that loved you once.

I guess that love is one of the most intense emotions that we experience and keeping full control of emotions can often be a trial-and-error process. Since I have no experience in long-term relationships at 30, I fear being in a situation in which I lose control over my emotions. I’m afraid of emotionally charged situations and how I am going to manage my emotions (and deep down I’m afraid of being called a crazy bitch). So, if I'm scared of losing control over my emotions in a romantic situation, why should I induce myself into situations in which I could lose control?

The fear of not being able to appreciate or enjoy love: Most people say that you only appreciate something when it’s gone when it is already too late… So, I fear that even if I make the effort to overcome all of the previous fears and I find love, I won’t be able to appreciate it or fully enjoy it. That it might become mundane to me and I will eventually lose interest. Why should I bother to overcome my previous fears if I’m not going to get satisfaction out of love anyway?

This previous list of fears has fogged my mind in my dating life in the past. My fears had focused my attention on the emotional losses of the lottery of love and blinded me from the small positive moments that I could have won. Fear projected a negative emotional forecast of hypothetical undesirable futures that prevented me from collecting positive moments in the now. Concentrating my focus on collecting small wins in the present has been my weapon to fight fear lately. 

I confess that I have been feeling pretty strong and confident about my dating life lately. However, sometimes, even if your fears don’t paralyze you from inviting someone into the dance of love, other people might also have their own dark fog that might stop the music. It sucks, but knowing that there is always more music in other bars waiting to be danced should help.

Find the music and don’t be scared to dance!

My favorite mediation place in Brighton.