When your social awkardness gets in your way...

So, if you remember my previous post 'I'm not an emotional robot', I've been having a teenage crush on a girl from work. However, I need to confess that the reason why I have done online dating in the past is due to my uncontrollable phobia of asking "real-life-offline people" out. The fear of real-life rejection has been getting in my way over the years and my poor attempts at asking someone out have been a disaster.

The pattern of my social incompetence in real life goes as follows... I meet a girl (at uni, work or another social context) and I'm able to have a normal co-worker/peer/friend relationship until I realize that I like the person and then, I become a complete weirdo at interacting with her and, of course, at asking her out and so, any attempt of approaching her in a relaxed situation, tent to fail catastrophically.

The current story has followed this pattern. I met this girl at work and, when I realized that I liked her, I became awkward and unable to maintain a normal conversation. I DID ask her out at the end (which was already an achievement) but, despite the fact that she said YES initially, she never set up a date for our dinner. She said that she was busy that week and that we should plan something for the week after... the following week, I asked her again obtaining the same answer...

I let her space and a few weeks later, I interpreted her evasive answers as 'I like you as a friend and therefore, I said YES to your dinner invitation but, I'm not able to set a date since I'm confused about whether you meant a date-date or not'. So, I assumed that if she would have had any real interest in me, she would have to go to the dinner anyway just 'to see what happens'. But if she wasn't interested, she was just going to continue avoiding the dinner and therefore, there was not going to be a date. I made peace with the situation (see video below) and with the "you have NO messages" answer and started to move on Bridget Jones style (see the video below):

 

However, one day, she came into my office wanting to have a chat with me about a work-related issue. We went for coffee and after explaining to me her work-related problem, she mentioned that she suffers from anxiety and this has created a lot of issues in the past. She mentioned that she wanted to go WITH ME (she stressed these words or at least they sounded pretty loud in my mind) to a concert that I also invited her few weeks after the dinner invitation to perhaps, approach her in a more relaxed environment, but she couldn't go because, again, she wasn't available. I didn't know if I had to interpret her anxieties as an excuse for her partially-rejections to my invitations. I offered her a hug since she was in distress about her work issue and, as I was leaving, I asked her again to go for dinner with me sometime... She (again) said: "Yes BUT, perhaps next week?".

The following week, after not receiving any news about my third (maybe fourth?) invitation, I asked her again informally when I bumped into her in the corridor and added that I was not going to ask her again. She then replied that she really wanted to go BUT  again she was busy that week too, to which I replied "sure, just let me know..."

Weeks passed and the awkwardness of the situation picked... We bump into each other all the time at work but I am unable to ask her again or simply maintain a normal conversation and she seems to be following the same pattern. In the end, I know that there are still a lot of uncertainties in the air to fully understand why she keeps replying "yes, but..." to my invitations... I still don't know if she is gay or bi (however my gaydar says YES quite loudly... but you never know these days....) and I also haven't made a statement about my tendencies either, so she might feel confused about my invitation... 

In any case, my insecurities at talking to pretty girls and my fear of real-life rejection have prevented me from having a normal conversation with her after I asked her out and so, from getting some clarification on her replies. I have been running away whenever I bumped into her at work.... few times, I've managed to initiate small talk but, I ended up running away as soon as she talks back to me...

Today for example, after an intense and award long silence, I asked her about her weekend and when she replied and asked me about mine, I gave a short and vague answer and run away again... What is wrong with me?

Should I go back to online dating due to the fact that I can't ask real-life people out...??? Or should I work on my issues and 'man up' and try to see if there is something there....??? How do you overcome love-related anxieties and shyness???

Advice from my readers might be required.....!!!!

Just like the Brighton Pier these days, I feel "under construction"...

Desired narratives - What is the story that you want to tell?

Once upon of time...

I'm going to take a break from my stories and reflect on the narrative behind the stories. I normally use this blog to tell my tales retrospectively. This exercise of finding a narrative on our past seems to be something that we all do to evaluate our lives and to find meaning in the randomness and chaos of waking life.

As Steve Jobs once said:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

This 'approach' of connecting the dots, as Steve Jobs described, is what brings meaning into our lives. We need to firmly believe that 'the dots' will connect because we need to find some meaning to alleviate the stress that the thought of randomness of events brings us. This desire of fitting our past events into a structured set of memories that narrate a story has been researched in social psychology. According to this research, we tend to fit a narrative that defines our identity and creates a sense of self and brings meaning into our life (McAdams, 2011).


And this is basically what I've been doing in this blog, fitting a narrative into my past 'failed attempts' to find love...

Moreover, we are not just driven to find a narrative into our past, but we also fit our future desires into a structured story. As a result, we unconsciously project into the future our inner and deeply embedded narratives and this shape the decisions that we make in the present. I'll give you an example...

A close friend of mine had a crush on a colleague at work and, despite the fact that it seemed to be a reciprocated feeling, she was convinced almost from the beginning that it would not work. This projected fear and visualization of possible pessimistic futures is what, in a way, might have precipitated the end of her story.

Just to clarify, the person from the example is not me, but her story has helped me to self-reflect on my own present and, as a result, I'm trying to identify my own inner desired narrative. What is the story that I want to create?

Our desires narratives are constructed out of our life expectations, desires and fears and they are often part of our own daydreams and thoughts... So, if these desires narratives drive our present decision-making... Can we identify them? Can we shape our desired narratives to our advantage?

Picture taken on the streets of Los Angeles (2014)

As this street billboard suggests, we should decide what story we want to create and go out and live it...

I'm not an emotional robot!

As weird as this statement might sound to my readers (if there is actually anyone really following), I have had this revelation over the past few weeks. For few years now, I considered myself to be a bit of an emotional robot. The reason for this strong self-evaluation of my deep emotions was due to the fact that I was unable to develop deep feelings for any of my online dates. I could developed soft comforting feelings for them but I was never as high in adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine to lose sleep, make stupid things or hold a silly smile and a red flush on my face throughout an entire day.

However, ever since I stopped the online dating world, a strange thing has happened to me... I have a crush on a real offline person... and this feels great!

The bad news on the contrary are that, at the moment, it is yet to be clarify if is a one-sided thing or she actually feels the same way or even worst if she is even gay (of bi) on the first place.... However, I'm very happy to learn that I am not an emotional robot and that I can have a teenager crush even on my very late twenties.

Drawing made by me :)!

According to the ancient Greeks (and they were very cleaver people), there are different types of love defined as follows (the information below has been taken from Wikipedia and other internet resources):

• Philautia - means "love of the self" and was divided in two types: narcissism, or self-obsession and  healthier version that enhanced your broader capacity to love.

• Agápe - generally denotes feelings for one's children and the feelings for a spouse, and it can also be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. This love is unconditional as it is hold whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love (even without any self-benefit).

• Philia - means "affectionate regard, friendship," usually "between equals." It denotes a general type of love, used for love between family, friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, and lovers.

• Storge - means "love and affection" and and refers especially of parents and children.

• Éros - means love, mostly sexual passion and involved a loss of control.

• Pragma - means "deep understanding" that developed between long-married couples.It was about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, and showing patience and tolerance.

• Ludus - flirting, playful affection and feelings of euphoria.

In the past through online dating I was able to experience a mix of Philia with some hints of Éros, however, due to the number of reasons enumerated on my previous post "My off-line off-dating new year's resolution for 2015" such as the building up of feelings from to casuals encounters, I was never able to experience a full Ludus meets Eros and  Philia that affected my appetite and distorted my sleep.

Therefore, my recipe for my readers for finding love (although it might not always be reciprocated) is to stop online dating and to explore offline flirting!

To be continued...  (possibly with a heart-broken following up post.....)

Tips that we get from "The mathemathics of love"

Watch the video before reading this post :)!

As a social researcher, I truly believe in understanding our reality through the findings of patterns and therefore, I find very interesting the content of the video.

As a dreamer, possibly due to the influence of Hollywood and Disney, I believe that there has to be something more "magical" and "inexplicable" about love....

However, both views are not incompatible (black or white) and are not the end points of a continuum, I believe that the study of the social reality can benefit our understanding of relationship and "the universe" or magic will do the rest....

What are you thoughts? (feel free to write a comment....)

What I find really interesting from this video is the underlying message for dating and relationships within the video.


Tips from Hannah Fry for online dating and relationships:

Embracing a healthy self-concept of your self and your body-image:

1. Display on your online profile whatever it is that makes you different... No one have a perfect body, so don't hide your self... this would work to your advantage!

The patterns of negativity within a relationship predict the future of the relationship. Specifically, having a positive interaction even when disagree is a key for stability... So...

2. Approaching arguments with an open and positive attitude (on both sides) is an important key in any relationship!

The equation for a reaction of the partner in an argument goes as follows:

Reaction of the partner = Mood when the person is alone + Mood when the person is with the other half + Influence of the other half in the person

That last variable seem to be very important. It represent "how annoying" someone can be before the other party gets "pissed off" and this threshold will determine the number negative reactions in an interaction.... So...

3. Understanding what is your threshold of "getting annoyed by someone", how easily do you get pissed off, anger or outrage by someone else interaction with you and how can you broaden this threshold and learn to be more tolerant or take things more easily could improve your current or future relationships.

Perhaps through meditation and observing how your emotions arise could help to broaden your "tolerance threshold" that will ultimately improve your intimate relationships.


The only negative comment that I have for the TED Talk is the fact that they present the research in heterosexual terminology when research in love could be equally applicable to homosexual couples. At the end of the day, in an intimate relationship, the gender or identity of the individuals involved might not play a big role, what matters is the positive interaction among them.....

Is Roller Derby a lesbian-skater new subculture?

My lack of time makes me keep my posts short these days so, I apologize if this is not one of my structured love stories (perhaps the word "failures" instead of the story would reflect the reality better.....).

Anyway, last weekend I had the opportunity of attending for the first time a Roller Derby. I knew about the sport due to the movie Whip it by the gorgeous Ellen Page.

I don't usually enjoy watching sports, but I have to confess that there was something engaging about it that kept me captivated for the whole afternoon (it was a double match but I stayed until the end).

I don't know if it was the excitement of guessing the rules of the game while watching it and trying to figure out the scores or changes in helmet sleeves or if it was the aggressive yet peaceful game dynamic. There was also a lot of strategy and team effort involved due to the fact that one skater, called the "jammer", has to cross the wall made of other skaters before the "jammer" from the other team.

Nevertheless, what really caught my attention was the fact that two ingredients could be found (mixed together or individually) in the players and spectators of Roller Derby: queerness and grunginess. This hinted me the idea that a new subculture of lesbian skaters has been born. The crowd was formed by the overlap of members of two already established subcultures: lesbians and skaters that were also surrounded by their friends and family.

The whole event was super fun and full of surprises such as having RuPaul's song "Cover girl" during the break or the ritual at the end when the spectators came to the edge of the ring to hi-five both teams after the game.

I, as a full-time member of the gay subculture and a part-time follower of the skate culture (Tony Hawk is the only game on the PS3 that I don't suck at it.... I could actually say that I am a pro at skating by pressing buttons....), have decided to become a groupie of Roller Derby and I would encourage my reader(s) to come along too to the next game.

1 year of blogging... Is there anyone reading?

After almost 1 year of writing my love stories and miseries in this blog, I'm questioning the continuation of my online writing.... yes, it seems that we have reached 1,500 visits, but, is there anyone really reading it? Has it contributed to anyone's acceptance of their sexuality? Has it at least made someone laugh? Has anyone relate in any way with any of my stories?


As usual, I've bitten more than I can chew and I need to compromise something in my life.... doing a PhD in psychology, writing a book and training for a Triathlon on top of my social life and my yoga and meditation practice keeps me pretty busy, so I need some motivation and proof that my time spend in writing this blog is actually making some kind of difference...

Thank you for stopping by....

The humble writer of this blog

IS ANYONE THERE?

 Picture taken from my room in Brighton (2012)

My off-line off-dating new year's resolution for 2015!

In the past, I've always included 'finding love' among my New Year's resolution list. My first online date happened soon after I opened an account on Gaydargirls on January 2008. My 'I want to believe' story started also after Christmas when, while reading 'The Rosie Project', I decided to apply a scientific approach to love and find my highest match on OkCupid... But this year, I'm going to cross out love off my list as love is a feeling and it should not be treated as a goal.

Trying to find a feeling by taking a shortcut and planning to spend some short (but often uncomfortable) time with a stranger is not working for me. I'm not saying that love can not be found in the cyberspace, I know a few couples that have met online but, I've come to the conclusion that, for me, online dating is missing something...

Perhaps, is missing the excitement that the uncertainty of not knowing when that feeling is going to bloom that real life brings..... When planning an online date with a stranger, were are scheduling that love might or might not be happening at a particular time (usually after 19) and a particular place (usually in one of the cafes at Kensington Gardens). That 'love-planing process' brings a lot of pressure and awkwardness and doesn't help to create an ideal environment for spontaneity...  I seem to work better out of pressure...

For example, a few nights ago around 4 am, I woke up with the structure of the next chapter for my PhD on my mind... I had to switch on the lights and grab some post-its as my mind was on fire and ready to shoot me some good ideas... So, if the feeling of creativity comes as a flow that you need to grab according to my experience (and also according to Elizabeth Gilbert), love might also come as a stream of energy that I'm not able to feel in the restricted and forced conditions of a date with a stranger.....

Therefore, this year, I've decided to stop forcing love... In 2015 I'm going to give it a try and collect only first real impressions of people instead of swiping right and left on a phone screen... Profile pictures never show the real person, usually, they are only frozen frames that have been strategically chosen and/or are distorted from reality with Photoshop or some other sort of Instagram filter to create a fake impression of how someone wants to be perceived..... I wonder why everyone online seem to have a picture with sunglasses when the eyes are the door to someone's soul?

Another thing that online dating is missing for me is the day-to-day spontaneous encounters... A few nights ago, some friends and I were trying to determine the conditions of when and how we have felt love in the past and, we all agreed that love always started when we casually bumped repeatedly into someone in informal situations such as a film club, friends of friends parties, the water fountain at the office or at that Friday morning seminar.... it seems that meeting someone free of  'romantic objectives' and out of 'your life plans' are the key ingredients for romance......

Moreover, when meeting someone online, the single and available status is already assumed, however, when the encounter happens in real life, there is a lack of information that might leave us wondering if that girl, or that boy with whom we have shared a brief connection was flitting or not and so, finding their relationship status becomes our next mission...

I have collected very nice experiences in the past from the online dating world however, in 2015 I want to start collecting more 'offline real life' experiences and less fake and forced 'online dating' ones...

Where is my Cinderella? 
Lonely shoe found at Brighton Beach (2014)

PD: This is not the end of my blog, I have a few stories queuing up (online and offline) waiting to be narrated... However, I might rename the blog to include my offline stories in the title...

My "WOW-AMAZING" Girl Story

Messaging someone online is easy, meeting someone from an online website however seems to be a little bit more complicated...

Earlier in the year I received a message from Sandra (of course not her real name). She was not living in Brighton yet but she was planning to move down in the spring and therefore, she messaged me to meet some new people before her arrival (I suppose that other girls on the site too).

I thought that she look quite nice in her pictures so, I answered her message a week or so later since I don't check my messages on dating sites often. It took her a couple of weeks to answer back and then, it took me another while to answer her back again.....

We exchanged messages for a long while, however, I prefer to meet up with the person soon rather than later because I think that meeting someone in real life is the only way to see if there is chemistry or not between two people and exchanging an endless amount of messages without knowing the person makes the situation more uncomfortable if, once you meet, there is no chemistry.

Finally, she was visiting Brighton one weekend and so, she asked me to go for a coffee. It took me a few days to see the message but finally, I accepted her invitation hoping that she would answer me back in time as I send my confirmation the day before her proposed date for the meeting.

However, she has yet to reply back confirming the place and time for the date. I don't blame her as I myself don't check my inbox every day, but if I'm expecting someone's confirmation, I would try... In any case, her first round of moving stuff down and packing took her longer than expected and she could not have made it to the coffee date anyway... I'm not sure if it was an excuse or not, but I confess that in a way, I felt bad about my late reply and hence, somehow responsible for the failed attempt to meet up... She apologized for not having replied in time and asked me for a second chance.

It took us a while to find a suitable time again since she was not living in Brighton and I was quite busy at the time. Finally, we agreed on a date and, this time, we exchanged phone numbers so we could both make sure that we would receive each other's messages on time.

The date came and we met up at the train station, it took me a while to recognize her as her hair was very different from her pictures. She told me that she had an appointment with the hairdresser in the morning and I, really hoped she did not go through all that effort just for the date. One thing is not putting any effort at all into your appearance on a first date like "my save the closeted lesbians' project" date or the "Polish-looking tall accountant" and another is to make TOO much of an effort... She looked nice but somehow different from her pictures... I guess that no one looks in real life as in their profile pictures...

Anyway, we walked down from the station to the seafront, we grabbed a drink and sat on the beach. She was very nice but somehow overly enthusiastic. It went to the point that I started to count in my head the number of times that she was saying "WOW" and "AMAZING" ("WOW-AMAZING!" combined scored double....) When the count rapidly passed double digits I decided to stop... What was I doing? I was judging her without even knowing her... For all I know she might be just a bit nervous and has not realized that she is repeating the same filler phase compulsively... I can also be socially awkward sometimes, particularly on a first date with a pretty girl, so, I decided to concentrate my focus on her and not on her annoyingly repetitive reaction to my words...... So, I asked about her.

She told me that she had a bad time coming out since her family was not very supportive, however, her little brother was also gay. It is funny that it is not the first time that I meet a gay or a lesbian that has also had another gay sibling. There is currently genetic research that is investigating this phenomenon since it seems to be more common than we think and it makes sense.

I believe that we are born this way, whether is genetics or the influence of hormones during pregnancy or a combination of both. Homosexuality is definitely not a mental illness, has nothing to do with having any kind of sexual trauma in your childhood or having a controlling mother. Developing feelings for another person from the same sex is how some of us are wired and denying those feeling to conform with the straight-oriented society is unnatural and cause a lot of inner pain to the individual.

Anyway, back to the date... After about two hours of talking about homosexuality, career changes and Brighton in general, the date came to an end. I had my housemate's Birthday party to attend and she had plans for the night with some friends so, we walked up to the clock tower and took different paths.

The first date was nice, although we didn't run out of conversation I think that we didn't particularly "Click".... But, what does "Click" mean? Online dating is a very strange way to meet up with people as in real life you tend to meet people gradually, but in the online world everything happens on dates and there seems to be quite a lot of pressure on them...

So, my evaluation of the date when as follows: She was very nice, very pretty, a little bit over-enthusiastic but a nice company overall... We didn't "click" immediately, but considering the awkwardness of internet dating in the first place, we had a smooth date and so I decided that if she wanted to meet up again, I will accept her invitation...

She messaged me for a second date I accepted.

However, it seems that since she was having a lot of problems in finding a place to live in Brighton and I was very busy., it was quite impossible to find a suitable time.... we arranged a date but she ended up cancelling because of a last minute "thing" that happened whit the relative with whom she was staying in Worthing... We re-scheduled again but for some other reason that I forgot we cancelled again...

Finally, we scheduled another date and, due to the fact that the day before I had another online date that went considerably better than the date with her, I was not "over-enthusiastic" about going on another date with Sandra...

She send me a message to confirm the date saying: "Do you have time to meet up or we can rearrange?" implying that she also wanted to reschedule and was not over-enthusiastic about meeting me either, so I replied that I had my housemates' graduation party, which was true and so, we agreed to re-arrange another date, that never happened at the end as I think that we both got tired of the endless exchange of messages to find a suitable time to meet up.

I recently read an article about dating and the FUCK YES/ FUCK NO rule that essentially said that if you are dating someone that is not completely excited about dating you, the most likely outcome will be to end up in a game-playing relationship with a lot of drama... in this case, we both seem to want a second date but perhaps just because the first one was "nice" but we both felt that it wasn't AMAZING, so, I think that in a way, it was better to leave it there... I hope that she has found love in Brighton and has solved all of her housing issues.

Picture taken in Brighton Beach (2014)

PS: Does love a first sight really exist or should I have tried to go on a second date with the WOW-AMAZING girl?

"Somebody that I used to know" - Part II

As much as I hate to split in two my stories, I currently don't have enough time to write as much as I would like to, so I apologize to the readers (if there is actually anyone reading....).

On top of that, I recently had a bike accident with a consequent head concussion that seems to be taking longer to recover than expected. In case you are wondering, my bike accident has nothing to do with the girl in the story, she didn't run over me, I just fainted while cycling, but that's another story... Maybe I'll write about it later on, but now I need to finish what I started, so I'll get back to the story of the girl that I used to know....

As I explained in the first part of the story, I was going through a tough time with my work and the blond-looking lesbian girl was very supportive and a good listener. One Friday night she invited me for dinner, she mentioned in the message that the tall gay men from the welcome event and a few other people that we met that same night were coming as well.

When I arrived at the restaurant, she told me that in the end, it was just going to be just her and I. They all seem to have cancelled last minute....

So there we were... having a proper date night with candles and exotic food. During dinner, we talked about trips and she told me that once she bought a plane ticket to Cuba to fly on the same day as she wanted to see her girlfriend that, after three years of relationship, had moved to Cuba for a few months.

She told me that she could not stand the distance and felt that the relationship was falling apart because of that. At the end, they broke up, but she described the trip to Cuba as the craziest thing that she had ever done for love.

I was a bit confused.... so my instinct was right, she was a lesbian, or at least bisexual, as she had a three years relationship with a girl in the past, however, she was currently in a formal relationship with a guy that was financially supporting her. She also told me that she met him when she was working as a security doorman in a club in Leeds (a very lesbian job choice...) and that they both shared a passion for martial arts, kickboxing and other forms of one-on-one combat (also a very lesbian sport choice).

After dinner, we went to grab a drink at The Druids Head, one of the oldest bars in Brighton where for the last 400 years Brightonians and foreigners, just like us, have been sharing their intimacies and stories.

We were sitting in a bar, sharing a drink on a Friday night when the song "Somebody that I used to know" started to play. She knew the song and told me that she really loved it but I for me, the lyrics and melody was new to my ear. Little I knew at the time that the song was narrating our future story...

The following morning, I woke up thinking about her. That was a bad sign!

Something inside was warning me about repeating again the same love-heart-broken pattern that I've learned in the past. I tended to fall in love with straight or 'not ready to come out' girls that always broke my heart...

But this time, I was determined to avoid falling into my old habits, it was as if my unconscious mind didn't want me to be happy and I was self-sabotaging my own love life. Love for me was a painful feeling of frustration as I only knew how to love by falling in love with the wrong girl. In a twisted way, the pain made me feel comfortable.... happiness in love was (and still is) an unknown feeling and, like all strange feelings, it was out of my comfort zone.....

This time, I was going to break the pattern, I was not going to fall for a girl with a boyfriend. I decided to keep some distance from her... However, she decided to get closer and started to send me daily messages insisting on meeting up again...

Perhaps due to the fact that she sensed my intentions to keep some distance, she asked me to go for drinks again one night in the company of his boyfriend... Maybe she just wanted to be my friend and the signs that I was getting from her were only in my head...

Was I being paranoid thinking that she fancied me? Was I misreading everything? Was my mildly narcissistic personality projecting something that was not there? Maybe she just wanted to make a friend and I was misinterpreting all the signs...

I decided to answer her messages and meet up with her (and the boyfriend) for a drink, after all, I didn't know many people in Brighton and my social agenda was quite open. She was also a good listener and had been very nice to me...

However, for some reason, the more that I got to know her, the more difficult it was for me to tell her that I was gay, perhaps also due to the fact that I was starting to fall for her, but I didn't want to ruin what we had. But if she was just being friendly, I was afraid that she could think that by displaying my sexuality I was coming into her...

This was also another recurring theme for me... Whenever I meet a straight girl, I'm unable to tell her that I'm gay just in case she takes it the wrong way and thinks that I fancy her or something.

In this case, I think that I wanted her to be more than a friend, somehow, I started to develop feelings for her. I found myself jumping off my chair every time I got a message from her and wondering if she was feeling the same way...

I knew that I had to tell her that I was gay as if we were going to be friends, I needed to display my sexuality as it is part of who I am, but it was always a bit difficult to find the right moment. I decided to do it in a subtle way.

I organized a lunch date with the eccentric gay men that we met at the PhD research meeting and another gay friend of mine. Hopefully, after a whole lunch conversation talking about gayness and gay nightlife, she would get the hint... During that lunch, I talked about the gay scene in Brighton and how sad it was that the only officially lesbian bar closed down. After that, I think that she probably got the message behind....

Later that week, she invited me to her place to watch some X-files DVDs since we both were fans of the show when we were teens. I was expecting a quiet night with her and her boyfriend and perhaps with a few other people, crisps and beer. However, when I came to her place there were candles, incense and cheese....

I think that at that point the invitation was very clear. Apparently, his boyfriend was out of town and she offered me wine to ease up the night. I don't usually drink on weekdays and this time, I was not going to make an exception. I needed to keep my head clear to be able to properly read the signs...

Although, I was also not sure about how I felt about starting something with a girl that had a boyfriend that was financially supporting her... Hence, I kept my distance on the sofa... I was a bit uncomfortable as I really liked her but the fact that she had a boyfriend bothered me a lot.

I didn't want to be someone's mistress, or even worst, someone's night cuddler when her boyfriend was out of town. So, after a few episodes of the show, I ended up making an excuse to leave early.

The goodbye at her doorstep was very uncomfortable, she was looking deeply into my eyes and I didn't know what to do... I really wanted to kiss her but I didn't want to be the person with whom she "cheated" on her boyfriend. I met the guy and he was very nice... I didn't want to cause any trouble.....

After some unconformable seconds, she finally hugged me. I was either paranoid or that hug felt extremely long, too long for a friendly hug...


After that night, I decided to tell her openly that I was gay, I didn't know if she knew, so I arranged a lunch meeting on campus. This time it was going to be definitely an ambush lunch. I needed to clarify the situation so, after some rambling, I told her that I was gay and that I was a bit confused about the previous night.

She said that she had no sexual intentions towards me, but perhaps she said that due to the fact that I rejected her the previous night and that my way of approaching the topic sounded a bit like a one-way accusation of a crime... I really liked her, but I was not able to tell her, I couldn't find the right words, so after an awkward silence, I ended up changing the subject. This lunch happened the day before the Christmas break, so, we both left Brighton for a couple of weeks after that.

When we came back, she sent me a couple of messages to meet up, I was having second thoughts about meeting up with her after my embarrassment during lunch, so I kept finding excuses. Finally, I came around, after all, she was a good friend and I should keep her in my life.

I accepted one of her many invitations for dinner with her boyfriend. However, how unfortunate my faith was that the night before I had food poisoning from some seafood and I had to cancel last minute. I think that she got quite upset with me as that was the last time we exchanged messages.

I really wanted to call her again and explain myself, but after having ambushed her during lunch, I felt quite bad about it and ashamed of myself. Also, I thought that in a way, keeping my distance from her was a good idea, after all, I didn't want to be her mistress while her boyfriend was paying for her PhD.... or be friends with someone that uses people to get what she wanted. Perhaps this judgement was a bit harsh, but I needed to find an excuse to switch off my feelings for her and this was my switcher.

One night, I was at a Feminist Society social gathering and I bumped into a familiar friend of ours. I knew they were hanging out a lot those days as they posted every minute of their friendship on Facebook.

I was dying to ask our common friend about her since I also saw that she broke up her relationship status on Facebook. However, I didn't want to sound desperate so, I let the conversation flow...

Two pints later, I was drunk and ready to get a cab and unfortunately, I was not getting the information that I wanted despite the fact that I was dying to know how was she doing but, I was unable to bring her up in our conversation. The night was ending, so our common friend and I got a cab home together.

The time was running out and I wanted to know about her break-up, so I finally I asked her in the cab. Nevertheless, our common friend is quite discrete and barely displayed any information... She said that she had moved back to London and therefore, she was no longer living in Brighton but didn't give me any more details about her or the breakup...

A few months later, I saw her on campus walking in the distance, she didn't see me, but I send her a message to which she never replied. A week after I send that message, I saw her again on campus and this time, I chased her calling her name out loud.... she didn't turn around, she ignored my presence, but I kept on insisting...

Finally, I taped her on the shoulder and she turned around... she said that she didn't hear me calling her (well.... half of the campus did.... so she must be either a bit deaf or she was just ignoring me...) or got my message the week before to what I reply that perhaps, we should grab lunch and catch up... She smiled and said: "Sure, I'll give you a call". But of course, she never did... I guess that in the end, this was for the best, but the only way in which I can interpret her reaction and her silent treatment is due to the fact that in a way, I must have hurt her...

Maybe after all she also had feelings for me... or maybe not... I would never know...  I only hope that she doesn't run over me with her shiny convertible on campus the next time that we cross paths... I don't think I could survive a third head concussion...

Picture taken in Brighton (January 2013)

PS: I hid her from my news feed on Facebook but I kept her as a friend... She is the type of person that posts every minute of her life online and I could not cope with those behaviours... Why do people post every single lunch, event or night out on social networks?

Something different...

As a part of my goal of improving my writing I signed up for a Creative Writing course. You will see some changes in this blog as a result of it, but just so you get a taste of my improvement, I'm posting a story that I wrote last week. The assignment was "something true that had happened to you in 200 words". Judge for yourself if I did a good job:

Living in New York with $4.30 a day sounds like the tittle of the next bestselling travel guide at the Airports bookstores. But when a nasty ATM swallowed my only remaining credit card with funds on Christmas day, it became my own adventure. Luckily, I had paid upfront for my stay in a budget hostel alongside the homeless that could gather the $15.50 for the night. 

A ragged doll with only one eye and an armless GI Joe at the bottom of a decrepit Christmas tree along with a tailless black cat with emerging signs of rabies and an intense smell of urine mixed with alcohol created a very Stephen King like scenario. No wonder why my friends decided to take the bus back to safe and sound Canada. But I always dream about walking in the city of smoky sewers and yellow cabs that I’ve seen in the movies, so I decided to stay despite of the shivery picture and my wobbly financial situation. 

The fried onions from the $1.99 street hotdog stand and the chips that came along with the $2.99 Happy meal at MacDonald´s were my one-a-day vegetable. For seven days, searching for free entrance museums, collecting free samples from malls and looking for street performers became my mission.

Picture taken in New York (January 2007)

"Somebody that I used to know" - Part I

The other day, when I was coming back from having lunch with my housemates, I almost got run over by a car driven by "somebody that I used to know".... that just as the lyrics on the Gotye song: She cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing... and I don't even need her love, but she treats me like a stranger and that feels so rough...

Sometimes making a clean break with someone for whom you had feelings but know that it is not going to go anywhere, is the best thing that you can do.

After my accident in Canada, I'm usually very cautious when crossing the street. I still get a mild rapid heartbeat when I'm crossing and I see a car approaching, even if it is clear that they have seen me and they are slowing down. However, I believe that facing your fears is the only way to rewire your brain after a traumatic experience, and therefore, I still cross the street as usual, ignoring every time my deep and repressed fear of being hit again.

This time, when I heard the car approaching, I had an automatic reaction and my foot stopped before stepping into the road and I freeze. It was a shining grey convertible Peugeot 207, that for a second slowed down after the turn. She probably saw that there was someone with the intention to cross the road and was going to gently give way to the pedestrian, but as soon as she recognized me, she step on the gas and run off.
As she was passing by, she briefly checked me out but turned her head again quickly so she wouldn't have to greet me.

According to Eric Berne, ignoring someone's presence is the worst treatment that you can give or receive. It is even worse than being frowned at or being looked down on (examples of negative strokes) as at least this negative interaction means that the other person is acknowledging your existence, but the ignoring treatment leaves a feeling of nonexistence to the other person that can be very damaging for its self-stem and confidence.

In any case, I'm not particularly sad that we broke contact, however, I would be happy to keep nodding at her if we bump into each other on campus. Anyway, this story is part of my offline lesbian dating stories, but since we had a brief and potentially dangerous encounter with her last week, I thought that it will make sense to write about it today.

It all began in a welcome meeting organized by the Doctoral School, it was the first time I started my PhD in 2012 (yes, I have started my PhD twice now, but that is another story....) and I had just moved back to Brighton and I didn't know many people. So, I forced myself to attend all of the welcome events that I got invited to, hoping that I could make some new friends and start my social network in Brighton again.

When I entered the room, everyone was already chatting in groups and I was on my own and didn't know anyone, so I approached a tall eccentric gay-looking guy aiming to kill two birds with one stone: make a friend and meet gay people. As soon as I approached him and introduced myself, I saw a short blond lesbian-looking girl that was behind him. I immediately got from her the gay vibe not just due to her flannel shirt, but because she had some butchy manners and very lesbian body language. However, I could see how she was trying to make an effort to hide her masculinity with a very deep layer of foundation makeup and a thick lumpy mascara and a perfectly done French manicure.

I didn't like her at first sight, but she was the kind of person who looks deeply into other people's eyes and follows all the hidden rules of a perfect social interaction: she practices active listening and seems to know how to encourage other people to talk about themselves.

I could see how the tall gay guy was delighted with her treatment and kept on talking about himself. He was really enjoying his own conversation only briefly interrupted by me or the lesbian-looking girl with more reinforcement so he could keep on talking about himself a bit more.

When the event finished, we were invited to continue the evening in Falmer bar (the Student's Union bar) and so we made our way there. The tall eccentric gay men didn't join us, but the girl and I went to the bar.

For an hour or so we talk. I tried my best to not just talk about myself but put into practice the same social techniques that she was using with me, so we had a bit of a tennis match of active listening and polite compliments.

She told me that she was originally from South Africa, but had moved to South London when she was 2 years old. I could feel her South London chavy influence in the way she was dressed and the way she spoke.
However, she seemed quite cultivated in English literature and explained to me that she was starting a PhD on the influence of Judaism and the old testament on English medieval literature. She also told me that she was Jewish and that she was very excited about analyzing the Bible for her PhD.

As the conversation developed, she discretely asked me about my "relationship status" and therefore indirectly about my sexual preferences to which I reply that I was single and left the rest to an open interpretation. At that time I guess that I was still a bit uncomfortable about displaying my sexuality to someone that I'd just met.

These days I'm more straightforward, I only want to make friends that are comfortable with my sexuality and if they have any kind of problem, is better to know it soon rather than later. Anyway, I didn't tell her that I was gay, however, I didn't say that I was straight either.

I could sense that she liked me as we talked intensively for an hour or more and I even thought at some point that she was coming into me, but I thought that it was possibly the effect of the beer and that perhaps she was just being extremely friendly. However, as we were about to leave, she vaguely mentioned that she was living with his boyfriend, later I would discover that his boyfriend was paying for her PhD and living expenses.

In any case, we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to have lunch on campus the week after, we were both new in Brighton and didn't know many people after all.

As a part of the event, we were asked to write on the glass a sentence about what we were going to do in the first year of our PhD. I wrote "Not Panic!" and she wrote: "Find OUT what my thesis is actually about".

We went for lunch a few times on campus and I had the feeling that she liked me, but I didn't do or say anything since she had a boyfriend. I got the impression that she was a repressed lesbian, but either due to her religious beliefs or her accommodated life with her boyfriend, she was not out.

After a few lunch dates and several intellectual conversations, we became close friends. She was sending me messages on WhatsApp almost every day wishing me a good day and good luck with my work and I didn't know how to interpret them. Perhaps it was just that we were both new in town and we both needed to find some sort of connection to feel more secure and welcome in Brighton. Moreover, I was having a tough time with my PhD due to the fact that only a few months after I started, both of my supervisors left the university, hence, I was having a very stressful time and she was taking the time to listen to me and guide me in my unstable career situation.

After all, only a few months before I had an amazing job as a Marketing Manager for a high-tech company and I was living on my own in a newly refurnished flat in the city, with a shining bathroom all for myself and a very comfortable double bed. I changed all to go back to being a student, living in a room with a single bed in a shared flat and sharing a bathroom and kitchen with 5 more students.... one of whom was very crazy and scary, but that is another story.

Anyway, I was starting to question my decision... however, I had on my head Steve Jobs's words: “Sometimes life's going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. [...] Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do”. I knew that I love learning and knowledge and therefore, I was following my passion... even if I was just being hit with a brick.

To be continued...