My #HER Story part II

A few weeks ago I went to a party organized by #HER, a new dating app for women. This post narrates the second part of the night (catch up on the first part of the story on my previous post: My #HER Story).

So, just when I thought that she, my date from two days ago, was not interested in me at all, she suddenly approach me with a drink in her hands.

We chatted, we danced and then she kissed me, very decidedly, just like two days before!

I immediately liked her determination and self-confidence… and we kept on kissing for a bit longer.

However, it was almost the end of the night and I was starting to feel very tired.

“The place is starting to get empty…” I politely noticed hoping that she would get my hint for "time to go home hun!".

“Yeah…” She said and kept on dancing with her hands on my hips.

Mysterious Woman Street Art found in Brighton. Picture taken in March 2017.

My legs definitely needed some time out and my eyes really wanted to close for the day but, I didn’t want to break the moment.

“Mmmm...... I’m starting to feel a bit tired...” I finally said to her with puppy eyes after about an hour of dragging dancing.

“Are you thinking about going home?” She asked me while sliding her hands through my hips and lower back. 

“Ehhhhhh…. Are you… do you... what are you up to?” I said hoping that she would offer to walk me home (I lived just 2 streets away from the venue) or at least just walk me to the door of the club… you know, what a hopeless romantic expects from an attractive stranger that met just 48h earlier.

“I think I’m going to stay” She said pointing out at her friends. 

One of her friends was very drunk. My date and I had to walked her to the toilets earlier in the night as it was clear that she need some third party assistance for moving around. I thought that it was noble in a way that she wanted to take care of a friend in need, so I gently smiled.

“Of course, you should stay and make sure that she gets home all right” I replied. After all, we only met two days ago and this was not even an official date so, it made sense that she wanted to stay with her friends.

“Should I call you next week… to hang out or something...?” I asked.

“Yes, absolutely!” She firmly replied smiling.

I started to make my way out of the club when I saw that few of the remaining party goers were putting on a Sumo wrestling costume. So, I stopped for a few minutes to observe how the fight would develop.

At that point, I was feeling a bit dreamy and had a silly smile after kissing a pretty girl at the party. I was in my little bubble, feeling as happy as a little girl with a pink new pony when…

 

… right at the end of the hall, I saw my tall date leaning on her drunken friend and kissing her, not once, but twice… And those were not short drunken friendly kisses, both lip to lip exchanges were full tongue, full in 5 minutes long smooches one after another…

WHAT? I am seen properly? Are they really kissing? Am I drunk and imagining things? I froze for a moment. I didn’t know what to do.

Should I go home now? Should I stay and observe her quietly from the distance to see how that ends? Should I go and say something?

I turned around and started to make my way through the door, but something wasn’t right. I was upset… she just made a crack in my hopeless romantic heart. I was disappointed and she needed to know that, whatever little story that we could have had, it was over.

In an attempt to be assertive and express my needs, I turned around again, crossed the dance floor and tap her on the shoulder.

What I am doing?

“You are back?!?!” She said surprised.

“I didn’t leave. I saw the Sumo costumes and I wanted to see what was happening, so I stayed. By the way, I saw you kissing your friend so… I’m not going to call you next week. Have a good rest of the evening” I said without looking at her directly.

I was not able to face her gaze. I was scared that after that few drinks my emotions might burst at any moment and a tear could drop if I look her in the eyes. After that, I quickly turned around without leaving her any time to respond and left the with a firm pace.

What did just happen? I kept thinking on my way home.

I received a few drunken messages from her apologising for her behavior. She said that she was sorry, that her friend was just a friend, and that their kiss didn’t mean anything…

WAIT! Does that mean that our kiss didn’t mean anything either?

A part of me wanted to be apologetic and understandable, give her the benefit of the doubt and a second chance.... But a more persnickety side inside kept insisting that “I deserve better…”, that “I should be with someone that makes me feel special…”, and that “ She kissing someone else right after I left is not a good sign… nothing good can come out of that!”.

I guess that my hopeless romantic soul keep dreaming about finding someone that would only have eyes (and lips) for me… someone that would not turn around and kiss the first person she can find when I leave the room… Is that too much to ask?

Wonder Woman Street Art found in Brighton. Picture taken in March 2017.

 The End.

How to ruin a second chance with a girl: a narrated guide!

They say that there is never a second chance to give a first impression. But, after being granted a second shot by dreadlocks girl, I was feeling confident that I could change the misconstrued womanizer image she had of me after my unfortunate texting mistake (read past posts: Chatting up in the queue for the toilets & Chatting up from the distance). However, despite of the fact that we regained contact, I didn’t manage to arrange a face-to-face encounter with her to redeem my faux pass until…
 

One Friday night, I was going out for a drink with some friends, when I bumped into dreadlocks girl in the queue at a lesbian bar. She was standing in front of the bar in the smoking area with a few other people. When she saw that my friends and I joined the queue, she came straight to us.

“Hello Casanova…” She said to me.

“Hey!” I responded shortly hiding my excitement and expressing little emotion about her greetings. I was surprised by her sudden flattery as, after weeks of unsuccessful attempts from my side to grab her attention by text, I was ready to give up on my wooing.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, you look very cute tonight” She continued.

Why she is so suddenly so into me? I am dreaming? Have I changed my deodorant brand or something? She is probably very drunk…

“You know… I think that you should get me that drink tonight” She said touching her dreadlocks.

After a few seconds of paralyzing silence, and a couple of nudges from my friend that helped my brain to land back into the situation, I finally reacted:

 “Sure! I’ll be happy to get you a drink, are you coming in?” I said walking forward in the quickly advancing queue.

“Yeah! I’m going to finish this up and I and my friends will be inside in a sec” She said lifting up her cigarette and pointing at her small group of friends that were standing on the side.

“Cool… what can I get you?” I said showing my ID to the bouncer at the same time.

“A beer will be nice. Thanks!” She said smiling and playing again with one of her front dreadlocks.

“See you inside” I said from the door.

My friends rapidly scattered between the bathroom queue and the dancing floor as soon as we got in, so I decided to make my way to the bar and order two beers. After wandering around with the drinks in my hands through the packed dance floor, I got worried about being missed by dreadlocks girl, so I made my way back to the safe and well-illuminated bar where I could also have a better view of the door.

I can’t believe that she approached me tonight! She was so direct and confident! What would she want from me… (apart from a free drink)? I’m confused…

I waited at the bar for a while, pretending to move along with the music, but she was not showing up.

It isn’t the right song for her to come through the crowd anyway… I kept on thinking as if her appearance had to match the reunion epic moment from a romantic Hollywood movie.

Tune after tune I kept on slowly drinking my beer but she was still not coming in.

Being alone in a social crowd always makes me uncomfortable. As I was drinking slowly, the feeling of being a stood-up loser started to emerge.

Was this some kind of revenge? Did she want to teach me a lesson or something?

Graffiti of dripping hearts found in Brighton (signed by Maleska). Picture taken August 2016.

 As I was finishing my beer, holding dreadlocks girl’s beer untouched one in my other hand, a tall blond girl approached me.

“It looks as if you have been stood up” She said looking at my two drinks and my very likely miserable facial expression.

“Yeah, thanks… I noticed that” I responded. Her words were the confirmation of my deepest fears: dreadlocks girl was just playing with me! I’m just a joke! I’m the looser girl that has been stood up tonight!

“It’s a pity because you are very cute!” She continued.

Her chatting up strategy consisting of making me feel vulnerable and lifting me up after with some praising seemed strange to me, but at least it lead her to grab my attention.

“Pretty girls should not be allowed to walk alone in a bar like these… there are many vultures around that might take advantage of an innocent girl like you” the Blond girl said while slowly approaching her way to me like a scavenger.

Her old-school straight-men-like compliments, although secretly appreciated, were not sinking very well with my current stomach knot.

“Thanks, but I’m not in the mood” I curtly responded.

But the blonde girl kept insisting, so I surrendered and engaged in a friendly conversation for a few minutes with her. I accepted the fact that, after probably more than an hour of waiting, dreadlocks girl was not going to show up and so, an innocent self-esteem booster talk with a stranger couldn’t not harm.

After a few seconds, I could see that the blonde girl and I were not a match. She was studying at the police academy to become a detective and talked and moved as straight a man that had grown up in the XIX century. But somehow, I found her strangely amusing.

“I support the right-wing you know…” She said at some point in an attempt to express the fact that she was a hetero-normative traditional lesbian by displaying her political interests.

“I think that I should find my friends…” I said moving my arm in the direction of the dance floor. I had no interest in chatting about politics with some blonde right-wing chick after being stood up by my dreadlocks dream girl, so I initiated my escape plan.

At that moment, and out of the blue, the tall blond Tory (republican) launched herself towards me landing with her lips on my lips. I froze for a few seconds before I pushed her away. The drink that I was holding for dreadlocks girl got spilt all over her white shirt with the manoeuvre.

“What are you doing?” I said pushing her away. I was utterly disoriented as I was not expecting a kissing attack from the old fashion future police agent.

“I thought that we were getting along, I’m sorry, I…!” She replied while shaking the beer off herself.

“I…. I’m sorry about the beer…” I said while passing her some napkins that I grabbed from the bar.

“I probably should go now…” I said pushing my way through the crowd.

Plaster sculpture framed of different pussies displayed in Brighton. Picture taken in January 2013.

When I found my friends on the dance floor, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

“I think that I’m going to go home… dreadlocks girl hasn’t shown up and I’m not feeling good and…” I started to feel very vulnerable. On one side, I was feeling played by dreadlocks girl and, on the other, I felt harassed by the conservative kissing attacker.

“What are you talking about? She was on her way to the bar but you were making out with that tall chick… so she turned around and left” My friend said.

“WHAT?  Are you serious? How can this happen?” I could not believe what my friend was describing.

The idea of my life following a Hollywood movie plot had come true in a very much unexpected way.

“What brand of deodorant you are wearing tonight? You seem to be on fire!” My friend commented.

I explained to my friend the no consented kiss at the bar and she rushed me to go outside to see if I could catch dreadlocks girl at the door. When I went outside she was gone. I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up. I send her a message explaining again another misunderstanding, but as expected, I got no answer….

However, I knew that sooner or later, we would bump into each other and I was ready to beg her for a third chance…

To be continued...

Chatting up from the distance: A sweet interlude before the final screwed up…

One lucky Friday night, I chatted up a dreadlocks goddess in the queue for the toilets. But of course, I ended up making a fool of myself by sending her a very misunderstanding message due to my natural ability to mix up names of newly introduced attractive girls (read the previous post). This is how the story followed:

I ended up grabbing a friendly drink that week with a young photography girl, the unintended receiver of a suggestive text meant for dreadlocks-girl. We mainly exchanged stories of common high school teachers and compared the time gap and different struggles of growing up in the same small (and slightly conservative) community as lesbians.

“There weren’t any openly gay people back home when I was a teenager,” I said from my born in the 80´s generational perspective. 

I was from the last cohort of students that went through high school without any social media. The only Internet-based social interactions at the time were done through Microsoft Messenger and, emojis were only being discovered as a new form of communication. However, photography-girl belonged to the iPod and Facebook generation that already grew up with openly gay Hollywood celebrities.

“In my year of graduation in that high school, there was a lesbian couple, a few openly gay guys and a transgender girl… I never really had to come out” She firmly said narrating her experience.

I was amazed at how much society had changed in a very short period of time. I, on the contrary, had to fight tooth and nail my way out of the closet. I had some internalized homophobia that I carried with me for a while due to the less gay-friendly society that I happened to be landed on. Nevertheless, she told me it was not all “rainbows and fairy lights” for her either, as she mentioned that she experienced some underlying stigma and subtle discrimination from some of her peers. However, at least there were people to look up to that were standing out for themselves as members of the LGBT community… and that was already a step forward from my own teenage experience.

Photography-girl and I became friends that day. I even acted briefly as her career mentor before I finally moved away from the marketing world. Looking back, I am glad that my message mixed up led me to gain a younger ally in the community.

BORN AND BRED Street Graffiti in Brighton. Picture taken in August 2016.

 But coming back to dreadlocks-girl and the other side of the story… Well, she never replied back to my apologetic message… But, somehow, I knew that in the small pool of lesbians, we were going to bump into each other sooner or later… And so we did…

On Thursday night, I was having my first awkward date in a gay-friendly bar with a not very “good match” from the online world, when I saw a dreadlocks-girl entering through the door. She was also with a female companion and, judging from the way they were interacting, I would have guessed that they were on a first online date as well.

I got excited when I saw her entering the bar. I wanted to run towards her, apologize for the “message screwed up” and explained that I was a long way from being a Casanova (I would say that I am more of a nerdy-socially-award lesbian with zero games). The image that she formed of me was completely mistaken and I desperately wanted to amend that. But I thought that she probably had already forgotten about me and so, I contained my impulse of jumping into her to win back her favour… However, I could not contain myself from checking on her discretely over the shoulder of my boring date every now and then during the course of the night. 

She was looking stunning all dressed in white and, moved and interacted with such great confidence. I was feeling quite jealous of her date… “That could have been me if I would have paid more attention before pressing sent...” I kept on thinking.

At some point, as I was sighing on my chair looking at her while my date was in the ladies, our gaze crossed… And of course, I panicked!

Is it possible that she might remember me? What do I do now?

I innocently waved and waited for her to reply. She waved back. Her date had gone to the bar and so we were both sitting alone looking at each other across the room.

I move my head and raised my eyebrows in a clumsy attempt to say “Hey! How do you do?” from a distance. She smiled and repeated my gesture reciprocating my greetings but she moved her head to the direction of the bar pointing at her date as a way of communicating that she wasn’t alone. I made a resignation gesture and pointed at the empty chair in front of me with my date’s jacket to inform her that I also had company.

I wanted to ask her if they were “a thing” or not, so I pointed at the girl in the bar and then to her a few times back and forth. I’m not sure if my incomprehensible battery of gestures attempting to ask her about their “relationship status” was understood. But she shocked her head with determination. Then, she mimicked my air signs pointing at the empty chair in front of me and then at me several times.

Does she really want to know if I’m available? I’m I dreaming right now…?

I frenetically shocked my head trying to make it as clear as possible that my tame date and I were not “a thing”. 

At that moment, I saw her date coming back to her table, so I made a quick sign of a phone with my hand followed by a thumb up.

“Is it OK if I call you?” I meant to say.

She made a “later” sign while nodding and smiling before shifting her attention back to her date.

WHAT?!? Did gorgeous dreadlocks-girl just give me permission to contact her again…???!!!!???

I kept looking at her table with a stupid smile on my face until my date came back. I was already utterly not interested in my online date before dreadlocks-girl walked into the bar, but now, I was even more eager to wrap up with my uncomfortable unmatched date and go home.

On the night bus, I contacted dreadlocks-girl and this time I checked a few times the message before pressing sent... A few minutes later she replied back and we kept on texting for a while.

After that night, we chatted every now and then, but we never arranged a formal date until one night…

Graffiti of a girl found in Brighton (signed by Maleska). Picture taken August 2016.

 

To be continued…

"Somebody that I used to know" - Part I

The other day, when I was coming back from having lunch with my housemates, I almost got run over by a car driven by "somebody that I used to know".... that just as the lyrics on the Gotye song: She cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing... and I don't even need her love, but she treats me like a stranger and that feels so rough...

Sometimes making a clean break with someone for whom you had feelings but know that it is not going to go anywhere, is the best thing that you can do.

After my accident in Canada, I'm usually very cautious when crossing the street. I still get a mild rapid heartbeat when I'm crossing and I see a car approaching, even if it is clear that they have seen me and they are slowing down. However, I believe that facing your fears is the only way to rewire your brain after a traumatic experience, and therefore, I still cross the street as usual, ignoring every time my deep and repressed fear of being hit again.

This time, when I heard the car approaching, I had an automatic reaction and my foot stopped before stepping into the road and I freeze. It was a shining grey convertible Peugeot 207, that for a second slowed down after the turn. She probably saw that there was someone with the intention to cross the road and was going to gently give way to the pedestrian, but as soon as she recognized me, she step on the gas and run off.
As she was passing by, she briefly checked me out but turned her head again quickly so she wouldn't have to greet me.

According to Eric Berne, ignoring someone's presence is the worst treatment that you can give or receive. It is even worse than being frowned at or being looked down on (examples of negative strokes) as at least this negative interaction means that the other person is acknowledging your existence, but the ignoring treatment leaves a feeling of nonexistence to the other person that can be very damaging for its self-stem and confidence.

In any case, I'm not particularly sad that we broke contact, however, I would be happy to keep nodding at her if we bump into each other on campus. Anyway, this story is part of my offline lesbian dating stories, but since we had a brief and potentially dangerous encounter with her last week, I thought that it will make sense to write about it today.

It all began in a welcome meeting organized by the Doctoral School, it was the first time I started my PhD in 2012 (yes, I have started my PhD twice now, but that is another story....) and I had just moved back to Brighton and I didn't know many people. So, I forced myself to attend all of the welcome events that I got invited to, hoping that I could make some new friends and start my social network in Brighton again.

When I entered the room, everyone was already chatting in groups and I was on my own and didn't know anyone, so I approached a tall eccentric gay-looking guy aiming to kill two birds with one stone: make a friend and meet gay people. As soon as I approached him and introduced myself, I saw a short blond lesbian-looking girl that was behind him. I immediately got from her the gay vibe not just due to her flannel shirt, but because she had some butchy manners and very lesbian body language. However, I could see how she was trying to make an effort to hide her masculinity with a very deep layer of foundation makeup and a thick lumpy mascara and a perfectly done French manicure.

I didn't like her at first sight, but she was the kind of person who looks deeply into other people's eyes and follows all the hidden rules of a perfect social interaction: she practices active listening and seems to know how to encourage other people to talk about themselves.

I could see how the tall gay guy was delighted with her treatment and kept on talking about himself. He was really enjoying his own conversation only briefly interrupted by me or the lesbian-looking girl with more reinforcement so he could keep on talking about himself a bit more.

When the event finished, we were invited to continue the evening in Falmer bar (the Student's Union bar) and so we made our way there. The tall eccentric gay men didn't join us, but the girl and I went to the bar.

For an hour or so we talk. I tried my best to not just talk about myself but put into practice the same social techniques that she was using with me, so we had a bit of a tennis match of active listening and polite compliments.

She told me that she was originally from South Africa, but had moved to South London when she was 2 years old. I could feel her South London chavy influence in the way she was dressed and the way she spoke.
However, she seemed quite cultivated in English literature and explained to me that she was starting a PhD on the influence of Judaism and the old testament on English medieval literature. She also told me that she was Jewish and that she was very excited about analyzing the Bible for her PhD.

As the conversation developed, she discretely asked me about my "relationship status" and therefore indirectly about my sexual preferences to which I reply that I was single and left the rest to an open interpretation. At that time I guess that I was still a bit uncomfortable about displaying my sexuality to someone that I'd just met.

These days I'm more straightforward, I only want to make friends that are comfortable with my sexuality and if they have any kind of problem, is better to know it soon rather than later. Anyway, I didn't tell her that I was gay, however, I didn't say that I was straight either.

I could sense that she liked me as we talked intensively for an hour or more and I even thought at some point that she was coming into me, but I thought that it was possibly the effect of the beer and that perhaps she was just being extremely friendly. However, as we were about to leave, she vaguely mentioned that she was living with his boyfriend, later I would discover that his boyfriend was paying for her PhD and living expenses.

In any case, we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to have lunch on campus the week after, we were both new in Brighton and didn't know many people after all.

As a part of the event, we were asked to write on the glass a sentence about what we were going to do in the first year of our PhD. I wrote "Not Panic!" and she wrote: "Find OUT what my thesis is actually about".

We went for lunch a few times on campus and I had the feeling that she liked me, but I didn't do or say anything since she had a boyfriend. I got the impression that she was a repressed lesbian, but either due to her religious beliefs or her accommodated life with her boyfriend, she was not out.

After a few lunch dates and several intellectual conversations, we became close friends. She was sending me messages on WhatsApp almost every day wishing me a good day and good luck with my work and I didn't know how to interpret them. Perhaps it was just that we were both new in town and we both needed to find some sort of connection to feel more secure and welcome in Brighton. Moreover, I was having a tough time with my PhD due to the fact that only a few months after I started, both of my supervisors left the university, hence, I was having a very stressful time and she was taking the time to listen to me and guide me in my unstable career situation.

After all, only a few months before I had an amazing job as a Marketing Manager for a high-tech company and I was living on my own in a newly refurnished flat in the city, with a shining bathroom all for myself and a very comfortable double bed. I changed all to go back to being a student, living in a room with a single bed in a shared flat and sharing a bathroom and kitchen with 5 more students.... one of whom was very crazy and scary, but that is another story.

Anyway, I was starting to question my decision... however, I had on my head Steve Jobs's words: “Sometimes life's going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. [...] Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do”. I knew that I love learning and knowledge and therefore, I was following my passion... even if I was just being hit with a brick.

To be continued...