"Somebody that I used to know" - Part II

As much as I hate to split in two my stories, I currently don't have enough time to write as much as I would like to, so I apologize to the readers (if there is actually anyone reading....).

On top of that, I recently had a bike accident with a consequent head concussion that seems to be taking longer to recover than expected. In case you are wondering, my bike accident has nothing to do with the girl in the story, she didn't run over me, I just fainted while cycling, but that's another story... Maybe I'll write about it later on, but now I need to finish what I started, so I'll get back to the story of the girl that I used to know....

As I explained in the first part of the story, I was going through a tough time with my work and the blond-looking lesbian girl was very supportive and a good listener. One Friday night she invited me for dinner, she mentioned in the message that the tall gay men from the welcome event and a few other people that we met that same night were coming as well.

When I arrived at the restaurant, she told me that in the end, it was just going to be just her and I. They all seem to have cancelled last minute....

So there we were... having a proper date night with candles and exotic food. During dinner, we talked about trips and she told me that once she bought a plane ticket to Cuba to fly on the same day as she wanted to see her girlfriend that, after three years of relationship, had moved to Cuba for a few months.

She told me that she could not stand the distance and felt that the relationship was falling apart because of that. At the end, they broke up, but she described the trip to Cuba as the craziest thing that she had ever done for love.

I was a bit confused.... so my instinct was right, she was a lesbian, or at least bisexual, as she had a three years relationship with a girl in the past, however, she was currently in a formal relationship with a guy that was financially supporting her. She also told me that she met him when she was working as a security doorman in a club in Leeds (a very lesbian job choice...) and that they both shared a passion for martial arts, kickboxing and other forms of one-on-one combat (also a very lesbian sport choice).

After dinner, we went to grab a drink at The Druids Head, one of the oldest bars in Brighton where for the last 400 years Brightonians and foreigners, just like us, have been sharing their intimacies and stories.

We were sitting in a bar, sharing a drink on a Friday night when the song "Somebody that I used to know" started to play. She knew the song and told me that she really loved it but I for me, the lyrics and melody was new to my ear. Little I knew at the time that the song was narrating our future story...

The following morning, I woke up thinking about her. That was a bad sign!

Something inside was warning me about repeating again the same love-heart-broken pattern that I've learned in the past. I tended to fall in love with straight or 'not ready to come out' girls that always broke my heart...

But this time, I was determined to avoid falling into my old habits, it was as if my unconscious mind didn't want me to be happy and I was self-sabotaging my own love life. Love for me was a painful feeling of frustration as I only knew how to love by falling in love with the wrong girl. In a twisted way, the pain made me feel comfortable.... happiness in love was (and still is) an unknown feeling and, like all strange feelings, it was out of my comfort zone.....

This time, I was going to break the pattern, I was not going to fall for a girl with a boyfriend. I decided to keep some distance from her... However, she decided to get closer and started to send me daily messages insisting on meeting up again...

Perhaps due to the fact that she sensed my intentions to keep some distance, she asked me to go for drinks again one night in the company of his boyfriend... Maybe she just wanted to be my friend and the signs that I was getting from her were only in my head...

Was I being paranoid thinking that she fancied me? Was I misreading everything? Was my mildly narcissistic personality projecting something that was not there? Maybe she just wanted to make a friend and I was misinterpreting all the signs...

I decided to answer her messages and meet up with her (and the boyfriend) for a drink, after all, I didn't know many people in Brighton and my social agenda was quite open. She was also a good listener and had been very nice to me...

However, for some reason, the more that I got to know her, the more difficult it was for me to tell her that I was gay, perhaps also due to the fact that I was starting to fall for her, but I didn't want to ruin what we had. But if she was just being friendly, I was afraid that she could think that by displaying my sexuality I was coming into her...

This was also another recurring theme for me... Whenever I meet a straight girl, I'm unable to tell her that I'm gay just in case she takes it the wrong way and thinks that I fancy her or something.

In this case, I think that I wanted her to be more than a friend, somehow, I started to develop feelings for her. I found myself jumping off my chair every time I got a message from her and wondering if she was feeling the same way...

I knew that I had to tell her that I was gay as if we were going to be friends, I needed to display my sexuality as it is part of who I am, but it was always a bit difficult to find the right moment. I decided to do it in a subtle way.

I organized a lunch date with the eccentric gay men that we met at the PhD research meeting and another gay friend of mine. Hopefully, after a whole lunch conversation talking about gayness and gay nightlife, she would get the hint... During that lunch, I talked about the gay scene in Brighton and how sad it was that the only officially lesbian bar closed down. After that, I think that she probably got the message behind....

Later that week, she invited me to her place to watch some X-files DVDs since we both were fans of the show when we were teens. I was expecting a quiet night with her and her boyfriend and perhaps with a few other people, crisps and beer. However, when I came to her place there were candles, incense and cheese....

I think that at that point the invitation was very clear. Apparently, his boyfriend was out of town and she offered me wine to ease up the night. I don't usually drink on weekdays and this time, I was not going to make an exception. I needed to keep my head clear to be able to properly read the signs...

Although, I was also not sure about how I felt about starting something with a girl that had a boyfriend that was financially supporting her... Hence, I kept my distance on the sofa... I was a bit uncomfortable as I really liked her but the fact that she had a boyfriend bothered me a lot.

I didn't want to be someone's mistress, or even worst, someone's night cuddler when her boyfriend was out of town. So, after a few episodes of the show, I ended up making an excuse to leave early.

The goodbye at her doorstep was very uncomfortable, she was looking deeply into my eyes and I didn't know what to do... I really wanted to kiss her but I didn't want to be the person with whom she "cheated" on her boyfriend. I met the guy and he was very nice... I didn't want to cause any trouble.....

After some unconformable seconds, she finally hugged me. I was either paranoid or that hug felt extremely long, too long for a friendly hug...


After that night, I decided to tell her openly that I was gay, I didn't know if she knew, so I arranged a lunch meeting on campus. This time it was going to be definitely an ambush lunch. I needed to clarify the situation so, after some rambling, I told her that I was gay and that I was a bit confused about the previous night.

She said that she had no sexual intentions towards me, but perhaps she said that due to the fact that I rejected her the previous night and that my way of approaching the topic sounded a bit like a one-way accusation of a crime... I really liked her, but I was not able to tell her, I couldn't find the right words, so after an awkward silence, I ended up changing the subject. This lunch happened the day before the Christmas break, so, we both left Brighton for a couple of weeks after that.

When we came back, she sent me a couple of messages to meet up, I was having second thoughts about meeting up with her after my embarrassment during lunch, so I kept finding excuses. Finally, I came around, after all, she was a good friend and I should keep her in my life.

I accepted one of her many invitations for dinner with her boyfriend. However, how unfortunate my faith was that the night before I had food poisoning from some seafood and I had to cancel last minute. I think that she got quite upset with me as that was the last time we exchanged messages.

I really wanted to call her again and explain myself, but after having ambushed her during lunch, I felt quite bad about it and ashamed of myself. Also, I thought that in a way, keeping my distance from her was a good idea, after all, I didn't want to be her mistress while her boyfriend was paying for her PhD.... or be friends with someone that uses people to get what she wanted. Perhaps this judgement was a bit harsh, but I needed to find an excuse to switch off my feelings for her and this was my switcher.

One night, I was at a Feminist Society social gathering and I bumped into a familiar friend of ours. I knew they were hanging out a lot those days as they posted every minute of their friendship on Facebook.

I was dying to ask our common friend about her since I also saw that she broke up her relationship status on Facebook. However, I didn't want to sound desperate so, I let the conversation flow...

Two pints later, I was drunk and ready to get a cab and unfortunately, I was not getting the information that I wanted despite the fact that I was dying to know how was she doing but, I was unable to bring her up in our conversation. The night was ending, so our common friend and I got a cab home together.

The time was running out and I wanted to know about her break-up, so I finally I asked her in the cab. Nevertheless, our common friend is quite discrete and barely displayed any information... She said that she had moved back to London and therefore, she was no longer living in Brighton but didn't give me any more details about her or the breakup...

A few months later, I saw her on campus walking in the distance, she didn't see me, but I send her a message to which she never replied. A week after I send that message, I saw her again on campus and this time, I chased her calling her name out loud.... she didn't turn around, she ignored my presence, but I kept on insisting...

Finally, I taped her on the shoulder and she turned around... she said that she didn't hear me calling her (well.... half of the campus did.... so she must be either a bit deaf or she was just ignoring me...) or got my message the week before to what I reply that perhaps, we should grab lunch and catch up... She smiled and said: "Sure, I'll give you a call". But of course, she never did... I guess that in the end, this was for the best, but the only way in which I can interpret her reaction and her silent treatment is due to the fact that in a way, I must have hurt her...

Maybe after all she also had feelings for me... or maybe not... I would never know...  I only hope that she doesn't run over me with her shiny convertible on campus the next time that we cross paths... I don't think I could survive a third head concussion...

Picture taken in Brighton (January 2013)

PS: I hid her from my news feed on Facebook but I kept her as a friend... She is the type of person that posts every minute of her life online and I could not cope with those behaviours... Why do people post every single lunch, event or night out on social networks?

"Somebody that I used to know" - Part I

The other day, when I was coming back from having lunch with my housemates, I almost got run over by a car driven by "somebody that I used to know".... that just as the lyrics on the Gotye song: She cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing... and I don't even need her love, but she treats me like a stranger and that feels so rough...

Sometimes making a clean break with someone for whom you had feelings but know that it is not going to go anywhere, is the best thing that you can do.

After my accident in Canada, I'm usually very cautious when crossing the street. I still get a mild rapid heartbeat when I'm crossing and I see a car approaching, even if it is clear that they have seen me and they are slowing down. However, I believe that facing your fears is the only way to rewire your brain after a traumatic experience, and therefore, I still cross the street as usual, ignoring every time my deep and repressed fear of being hit again.

This time, when I heard the car approaching, I had an automatic reaction and my foot stopped before stepping into the road and I freeze. It was a shining grey convertible Peugeot 207, that for a second slowed down after the turn. She probably saw that there was someone with the intention to cross the road and was going to gently give way to the pedestrian, but as soon as she recognized me, she step on the gas and run off.
As she was passing by, she briefly checked me out but turned her head again quickly so she wouldn't have to greet me.

According to Eric Berne, ignoring someone's presence is the worst treatment that you can give or receive. It is even worse than being frowned at or being looked down on (examples of negative strokes) as at least this negative interaction means that the other person is acknowledging your existence, but the ignoring treatment leaves a feeling of nonexistence to the other person that can be very damaging for its self-stem and confidence.

In any case, I'm not particularly sad that we broke contact, however, I would be happy to keep nodding at her if we bump into each other on campus. Anyway, this story is part of my offline lesbian dating stories, but since we had a brief and potentially dangerous encounter with her last week, I thought that it will make sense to write about it today.

It all began in a welcome meeting organized by the Doctoral School, it was the first time I started my PhD in 2012 (yes, I have started my PhD twice now, but that is another story....) and I had just moved back to Brighton and I didn't know many people. So, I forced myself to attend all of the welcome events that I got invited to, hoping that I could make some new friends and start my social network in Brighton again.

When I entered the room, everyone was already chatting in groups and I was on my own and didn't know anyone, so I approached a tall eccentric gay-looking guy aiming to kill two birds with one stone: make a friend and meet gay people. As soon as I approached him and introduced myself, I saw a short blond lesbian-looking girl that was behind him. I immediately got from her the gay vibe not just due to her flannel shirt, but because she had some butchy manners and very lesbian body language. However, I could see how she was trying to make an effort to hide her masculinity with a very deep layer of foundation makeup and a thick lumpy mascara and a perfectly done French manicure.

I didn't like her at first sight, but she was the kind of person who looks deeply into other people's eyes and follows all the hidden rules of a perfect social interaction: she practices active listening and seems to know how to encourage other people to talk about themselves.

I could see how the tall gay guy was delighted with her treatment and kept on talking about himself. He was really enjoying his own conversation only briefly interrupted by me or the lesbian-looking girl with more reinforcement so he could keep on talking about himself a bit more.

When the event finished, we were invited to continue the evening in Falmer bar (the Student's Union bar) and so we made our way there. The tall eccentric gay men didn't join us, but the girl and I went to the bar.

For an hour or so we talk. I tried my best to not just talk about myself but put into practice the same social techniques that she was using with me, so we had a bit of a tennis match of active listening and polite compliments.

She told me that she was originally from South Africa, but had moved to South London when she was 2 years old. I could feel her South London chavy influence in the way she was dressed and the way she spoke.
However, she seemed quite cultivated in English literature and explained to me that she was starting a PhD on the influence of Judaism and the old testament on English medieval literature. She also told me that she was Jewish and that she was very excited about analyzing the Bible for her PhD.

As the conversation developed, she discretely asked me about my "relationship status" and therefore indirectly about my sexual preferences to which I reply that I was single and left the rest to an open interpretation. At that time I guess that I was still a bit uncomfortable about displaying my sexuality to someone that I'd just met.

These days I'm more straightforward, I only want to make friends that are comfortable with my sexuality and if they have any kind of problem, is better to know it soon rather than later. Anyway, I didn't tell her that I was gay, however, I didn't say that I was straight either.

I could sense that she liked me as we talked intensively for an hour or more and I even thought at some point that she was coming into me, but I thought that it was possibly the effect of the beer and that perhaps she was just being extremely friendly. However, as we were about to leave, she vaguely mentioned that she was living with his boyfriend, later I would discover that his boyfriend was paying for her PhD and living expenses.

In any case, we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to have lunch on campus the week after, we were both new in Brighton and didn't know many people after all.

As a part of the event, we were asked to write on the glass a sentence about what we were going to do in the first year of our PhD. I wrote "Not Panic!" and she wrote: "Find OUT what my thesis is actually about".

We went for lunch a few times on campus and I had the feeling that she liked me, but I didn't do or say anything since she had a boyfriend. I got the impression that she was a repressed lesbian, but either due to her religious beliefs or her accommodated life with her boyfriend, she was not out.

After a few lunch dates and several intellectual conversations, we became close friends. She was sending me messages on WhatsApp almost every day wishing me a good day and good luck with my work and I didn't know how to interpret them. Perhaps it was just that we were both new in town and we both needed to find some sort of connection to feel more secure and welcome in Brighton. Moreover, I was having a tough time with my PhD due to the fact that only a few months after I started, both of my supervisors left the university, hence, I was having a very stressful time and she was taking the time to listen to me and guide me in my unstable career situation.

After all, only a few months before I had an amazing job as a Marketing Manager for a high-tech company and I was living on my own in a newly refurnished flat in the city, with a shining bathroom all for myself and a very comfortable double bed. I changed all to go back to being a student, living in a room with a single bed in a shared flat and sharing a bathroom and kitchen with 5 more students.... one of whom was very crazy and scary, but that is another story.

Anyway, I was starting to question my decision... however, I had on my head Steve Jobs's words: “Sometimes life's going to hit you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. [...] Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do”. I knew that I love learning and knowledge and therefore, I was following my passion... even if I was just being hit with a brick.

To be continued...