How to ruin a second chance with a girl: a narrated guide!

They say that there is never a second chance to give a first impression. But, after being granted a second shot by dreadlocks girl, I was feeling confident that I could change the misconstrued womanizer image she had of me after my unfortunate texting mistake (read past posts: Chatting up in the queue for the toilets & Chatting up from the distance). However, despite of the fact that we regained contact, I didn’t manage to arrange a face-to-face encounter with her to redeem my faux pass until…
 

One Friday night, I was going out for a drink with some friends, when I bumped into dreadlocks girl in the queue at a lesbian bar. She was standing in front of the bar in the smoking area with a few other people. When she saw that my friends and I joined the queue, she came straight to us.

“Hello Casanova…” She said to me.

“Hey!” I responded shortly hiding my excitement and expressing little emotion about her greetings. I was surprised by her sudden flattery as, after weeks of unsuccessful attempts from my side to grab her attention by text, I was ready to give up on my wooing.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, you look very cute tonight” She continued.

Why she is so suddenly so into me? I am dreaming? Have I changed my deodorant brand or something? She is probably very drunk…

“You know… I think that you should get me that drink tonight” She said touching her dreadlocks.

After a few seconds of paralyzing silence, and a couple of nudges from my friend that helped my brain to land back into the situation, I finally reacted:

 “Sure! I’ll be happy to get you a drink, are you coming in?” I said walking forward in the quickly advancing queue.

“Yeah! I’m going to finish this up and I and my friends will be inside in a sec” She said lifting up her cigarette and pointing at her small group of friends that were standing on the side.

“Cool… what can I get you?” I said showing my ID to the bouncer at the same time.

“A beer will be nice. Thanks!” She said smiling and playing again with one of her front dreadlocks.

“See you inside” I said from the door.

My friends rapidly scattered between the bathroom queue and the dancing floor as soon as we got in, so I decided to make my way to the bar and order two beers. After wandering around with the drinks in my hands through the packed dance floor, I got worried about being missed by dreadlocks girl, so I made my way back to the safe and well-illuminated bar where I could also have a better view of the door.

I can’t believe that she approached me tonight! She was so direct and confident! What would she want from me… (apart from a free drink)? I’m confused…

I waited at the bar for a while, pretending to move along with the music, but she was not showing up.

It isn’t the right song for her to come through the crowd anyway… I kept on thinking as if her appearance had to match the reunion epic moment from a romantic Hollywood movie.

Tune after tune I kept on slowly drinking my beer but she was still not coming in.

Being alone in a social crowd always makes me uncomfortable. As I was drinking slowly, the feeling of being a stood-up loser started to emerge.

Was this some kind of revenge? Did she want to teach me a lesson or something?

Graffiti of dripping hearts found in Brighton (signed by Maleska). Picture taken August 2016.

 As I was finishing my beer, holding dreadlocks girl’s beer untouched one in my other hand, a tall blond girl approached me.

“It looks as if you have been stood up” She said looking at my two drinks and my very likely miserable facial expression.

“Yeah, thanks… I noticed that” I responded. Her words were the confirmation of my deepest fears: dreadlocks girl was just playing with me! I’m just a joke! I’m the looser girl that has been stood up tonight!

“It’s a pity because you are very cute!” She continued.

Her chatting up strategy consisting of making me feel vulnerable and lifting me up after with some praising seemed strange to me, but at least it lead her to grab my attention.

“Pretty girls should not be allowed to walk alone in a bar like these… there are many vultures around that might take advantage of an innocent girl like you” the Blond girl said while slowly approaching her way to me like a scavenger.

Her old-school straight-men-like compliments, although secretly appreciated, were not sinking very well with my current stomach knot.

“Thanks, but I’m not in the mood” I curtly responded.

But the blonde girl kept insisting, so I surrendered and engaged in a friendly conversation for a few minutes with her. I accepted the fact that, after probably more than an hour of waiting, dreadlocks girl was not going to show up and so, an innocent self-esteem booster talk with a stranger couldn’t not harm.

After a few seconds, I could see that the blonde girl and I were not a match. She was studying at the police academy to become a detective and talked and moved as straight a man that had grown up in the XIX century. But somehow, I found her strangely amusing.

“I support the right-wing you know…” She said at some point in an attempt to express the fact that she was a hetero-normative traditional lesbian by displaying her political interests.

“I think that I should find my friends…” I said moving my arm in the direction of the dance floor. I had no interest in chatting about politics with some blonde right-wing chick after being stood up by my dreadlocks dream girl, so I initiated my escape plan.

At that moment, and out of the blue, the tall blond Tory (republican) launched herself towards me landing with her lips on my lips. I froze for a few seconds before I pushed her away. The drink that I was holding for dreadlocks girl got spilt all over her white shirt with the manoeuvre.

“What are you doing?” I said pushing her away. I was utterly disoriented as I was not expecting a kissing attack from the old fashion future police agent.

“I thought that we were getting along, I’m sorry, I…!” She replied while shaking the beer off herself.

“I…. I’m sorry about the beer…” I said while passing her some napkins that I grabbed from the bar.

“I probably should go now…” I said pushing my way through the crowd.

Plaster sculpture framed of different pussies displayed in Brighton. Picture taken in January 2013.

When I found my friends on the dance floor, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

“I think that I’m going to go home… dreadlocks girl hasn’t shown up and I’m not feeling good and…” I started to feel very vulnerable. On one side, I was feeling played by dreadlocks girl and, on the other, I felt harassed by the conservative kissing attacker.

“What are you talking about? She was on her way to the bar but you were making out with that tall chick… so she turned around and left” My friend said.

“WHAT?  Are you serious? How can this happen?” I could not believe what my friend was describing.

The idea of my life following a Hollywood movie plot had come true in a very much unexpected way.

“What brand of deodorant you are wearing tonight? You seem to be on fire!” My friend commented.

I explained to my friend the no consented kiss at the bar and she rushed me to go outside to see if I could catch dreadlocks girl at the door. When I went outside she was gone. I tried to call her but she didn’t pick up. I send her a message explaining again another misunderstanding, but as expected, I got no answer….

However, I knew that sooner or later, we would bump into each other and I was ready to beg her for a third chance…

To be continued...

Two online lesbian dates on one night! - My Tinder double date story

Internet dating can be very unpredictable... You might spend hours and days sending messages, or "planting seeds" as one of my friends calls it, but nothing happens.

In general, 100 online messages sent = 0 lesbian dates.

But one day suddenly 110 messages transform into 2 dates on the same day! This is the story of my double online date on a very warm spring Thursday evening in Brighton:

After my offline dating failures of 2015/16, I decided to embrace the unpredictable lottery of internet dating again. I started to chat with a few people, but nothing seemed to lead to any real dates. On Monday evening, a girl (let's call her Jane) asked me to go for a drink that Thursday. I replied to her message accepting the invitation. However, she never replied to me back confirming the time or place after that.

A few days passed with no news from Jane. On Thursday morning, as I was checking Tinder to see if she had replied to my message, already assuming that there was not going to be a date, I received a message from another girl (let's call her Carol).

Carol and I seemed to have few common 2nd connections on Facebook according to Tinder, so we started a blind guess game to see if we could find the common link between us. She told me that I looked familiar to her and that, perhaps, we might have seen or met before in Brighton. I confess that I was sharing the same feeling about her. Could have we met before?

As I was working at my desk, surrounded by my office mates, I sent her my phone number so we could continue chatting outside the Tinder App. I had already accumulated enough embarrassing dating stories around the office during the previous year, so the last thing I wanted was to be seen chatting on Tinder during working hours (Read previous posts "... but... she doesn't like me" or "and... she likes someone else").

A few minutes later, I received the following text message:

"I put your number in my phone and the crazy thing is I already had it under a different name!!! Alaska? Are you the same person? I can't quite remember the circumstances around acquiring the number, but it might have been at a club in London years ago... Hahahaha... my phone is pretty damn old after all..."

I jumped from my desk when I read the name Alaska. It was my alias on my Gaydargirls’ old account. I opened a profile there back in 2008 as my “finding love” year’s resolution (Read my post: My first online date) but I had barely used it for the last 5 or 6 years.

Would it be possible that Carol and I have gone on a date before?

Brighton Seafront Graffiti. March 2016.

I replied that it might be possible that we exchanged numbers years ago, but that I thought that we might have never ended up meeting. I added that we should try to grab a drink this time.

Finding a time for meeting up that weekend seemed difficult, so she proposed to meet up that evening for a quick drink. I agreed since my plans with Jane didn’t seem to be confirmed after all.

Nevertheless, one hour later, when the excitement about meeting intriguing Carol that night was still running high, I received a message from Jane apologizing for her late reply and confirming the date for tonight.

What do I do now?

Can I meet two girls on the same night?

I really wanted to meet up with Carol and solve the mystery of the previously exchanged phone number and the common connections that we seemed to have. But on the other hand, I already made plans with Jane days ago and cancelling last minute might not be very polite.

Should I meet Carol to satisfy my curiosity or should I meet Jane and keep up my word? Luckily for me, they were, in their own way, equally attractive, so I was free of the temptation of making a decision based on looks. Nevertheless, my indecision led me to schedule both dates for that night but 1.5 hours apart from each other.

I was meeting Jane at the White Rabbit at 8 pm. She was already there when I arrived. She was definitely prettier than in her online profile pictures, but unfortunately, our conversation didn’t flow much.

I tried not to talk too much, but whenever I tried to get more information from her, she replied in a very vague way and displayed minimum details about herself, her hobbies or her life.

I decided to move the conversation into the “Brighton and being gay” topic, since living in the same city and sharing the same sexual orientation was, at least, something that we had in common. We both agreed on the fact that the lesbian leisure agenda around the area is heavily dominated by team sports. Lonely exercisers that love running, cycling or swimming don’t get to meet other women as easily as rugby, hockey, football or Roller Derby players.

One hour after, both drinks were finished. Perhaps it was time to start putting in place my escape plan so I could get to my second date in time before a second drink could be suggested.

I told Jane that my housemate was coming back from holidays and had no keys to the house, so I needed to get back early as I was expecting a call from him any minute now. She didn’t seem very bothered by my poorly elaborated lie. If anything, she seemed relieved.

We should meet some other time” I said after hugging her goodbye. I felt curious about her mysteriousness and thought that overall, for a first date, it didn’t go that bad (Read another post of my blog to get an idea of bad dates examples: The music-Nazi girl or an uncomfortable date at the seafront).

“Sure” She replied raising her eyebrows.

However, a glint of irony on Jane’s face and her tune hinted to that she was not planning to meet me again anytime soon.

“Oh well… it’s her loss!” I thought to myself. I need to go now but her house seemed to be in the same walking direction that The Marlborough, the pub was my second date was happening and the only territory that has been claimed by lesbians and trans in the Brighton nightlife.

I left in the opposite direction only to lose sight of my date number one, walking with my self-esteem a bit down after her rejection and feeling completely stupid for walking in circles around the North Lanes.

 

Bansky's Kissing Coppers. Frederic Pl, Brighton North Lanes.

When I arrived at the second pub, Carol was waiting at the bar chatting with some people. Apparently, she didn’t know them but started to chat with them while ordering and so we spend the first 10 minutes of our date with two middle-aged gay men from Australia that bought me a drink out of the blue.

One free drink and very positive vibes: date number two could have not started better. I confess that my first impression of Carol was that she looked slightly less attractive than in her profile pictures. However, she was definitely much chattier and more open than Jane and the conversation flowed well.

Once again, I found myself with two empty drinks in front of me and one date staring into my eyes. Should I suggest a second drink now?

“Do you want another round?” Carol said anticipating my thoughts.

“I do, but I’m perhaps non-alcoholic,” I said in my attempt of being responsible on a school night.

I don’t usually drink, so the previous drink with Jane plus the free one with Carol was enough for me to start feeling a bit tipsy.

“I need to catch on the last train thought, I’m staying with my parents in Lewes,” She said looking at her very big manly watch.

“Right, so you don’t live in Brighton?” I asked.

“Actually… I live in Lincon, I’m just visiting my parents for the bank holiday weekend” She confessed.

Lincoln? That is further away from Sheffield, which is about 3 to 4 hours by train…. That is very inconvenient for planning a second date! I thought. Well…, she might just want to have some fun for the night… I’m fine with that I guess... She is pretty, interesting and cheerful, so, why not?

When we finished our second drink, she rushed her way out of the pub so she could catch the last train. Since I live in the same direction, I walked with her to the train station. When we got to my street, I stopped her.

“Do you want to come up?” I asked.

“I need to catch the train” She replied very firmly.

“Right, so, do you want to plan a second date then? I said in a slightly drunken manner.

“I’m not back in Brighton until next month or so, but yeah! I let you know when I’m around again” She said. She sounded genuine and honest.

“I need to run now to catch the train” She finally said.

“Well, if you miss it, you can always stay at mine and grab the first one in the morning” I added.

An awkward moment of silence followed my words. She looked at me for a minute before she started running to the train station.

By the time I got into my house and started to get into my pyjamas, I got a message from Carol:

“Thanks for a really interesting evening… It was great to meet you for the first time/maybe a second time ;) I was very tempted to take you up on that offer, but I don’t really want to do that on the first time meeting… XC”

To be continued…

She likes girls...

So, finally, I got a confirmation a few days ago from my office crush that she likes girls. It was a spontaneous revelation from her side when we were leaving yoga class. My gaydar was right! (Has it ever not been?).

When she mentioned that she "also" like girls, I naively replied:

"Really?" Thinking: of course you do!

"That makes me really sad..." I continued.

It was my opportunity to get some answers on whether I was going crazy and whether the "signs" that I was receiving from her side were all in my mind or if they were real. As I was in a deep state of active relaxation after 2 hours of yoga, I was lacking on inhibitions and felt confident to push for some resolution.

"It makes me sad that you liked girls but rejected my dinner invitation" Shit! Did I just say that? Look down... La La La... How interesting is the floor... How many falling leaves.... Look to the other side now... keep walking.... awkward...

"What?" She said. And then some more awkward silence invaded the car park.

RUN!!!! If I just started running right now to the train station as if it was raining or something she would probably think that I'm less weird than if I claim to get answers from an innocent invitation that happened months ago... RUN NOW YOU MUPPET!!!!

"You mean "that" time...!" She said. What time? Does she remember our completely uncomfortable 1-minute conversation that happened more than a summer ago?

"For the record, I didn't reject you, I just didn't know that it was that type of dinner...." More awkward silence...

"Well, it was..." I don't know if those words actually came out of my mouth or if I just thought them.

"... and then I was busy... and you were busy... and just never happened..." She said while walking towards her car.

"It can still happen if you want" I wish I would have said... but instead a mix between mumble and a "still.... happen" came out of my mouth...

"The ball is in your side... your field... you know..." I said. What ball? What are you even talking about? A sports reference? you don't even like ball sports.... what are you trying to say?

"Right... eh...!" She already unlocked her car and was opening the door. I need to keep moving...  I'm not sure that I want to hear the end of that sentence...  Feet move! Where? to any direction as long as it is far from her.

If she rejects me it is going to be devastating... I'm already having a bad week and the last thing I need is some emotional drama...  

But what if she says yes? I already have my week pretty packed and I have no time (or funds) for going out for dinner... at least until Sunday... We can't have a Sunday date...! I'm working the day after... She is not replying to my incomprehensible clumsy invitation... I can hear the grasshoppers cricket so intensively right now... La La La.... Look down.....

"Let's talk tomorrow?" She said while getting into her car...

To be continued...

Halloween cupcakes. Brighton, October, 2015

Desired narratives - What is the story that you want to tell?

Once upon of time...

I'm going to take a break from my stories and reflect on the narrative behind the stories. I normally use this blog to tell my tales retrospectively. This exercise of finding a narrative on our past seems to be something that we all do to evaluate our lives and to find meaning in the randomness and chaos of waking life.

As Steve Jobs once said:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”

This 'approach' of connecting the dots, as Steve Jobs described, is what brings meaning into our lives. We need to firmly believe that 'the dots' will connect because we need to find some meaning to alleviate the stress that the thought of randomness of events brings us. This desire of fitting our past events into a structured set of memories that narrate a story has been researched in social psychology. According to this research, we tend to fit a narrative that defines our identity and creates a sense of self and brings meaning into our life (McAdams, 2011).


And this is basically what I've been doing in this blog, fitting a narrative into my past 'failed attempts' to find love...

Moreover, we are not just driven to find a narrative into our past, but we also fit our future desires into a structured story. As a result, we unconsciously project into the future our inner and deeply embedded narratives and this shape the decisions that we make in the present. I'll give you an example...

A close friend of mine had a crush on a colleague at work and, despite the fact that it seemed to be a reciprocated feeling, she was convinced almost from the beginning that it would not work. This projected fear and visualization of possible pessimistic futures is what, in a way, might have precipitated the end of her story.

Just to clarify, the person from the example is not me, but her story has helped me to self-reflect on my own present and, as a result, I'm trying to identify my own inner desired narrative. What is the story that I want to create?

Our desires narratives are constructed out of our life expectations, desires and fears and they are often part of our own daydreams and thoughts... So, if these desires narratives drive our present decision-making... Can we identify them? Can we shape our desired narratives to our advantage?

Picture taken on the streets of Los Angeles (2014)

As this street billboard suggests, we should decide what story we want to create and go out and live it...