As I wrote in the previous post, in September of 2008 I was very close to a very handsome Spanish gay man named Pedro. He was THE MASTER of online dating, he had met most of his long-term boyfriends in the cyberspace...
At the time, he had a long-distance boyfriend but kept his profile active as he was also 'new in town' and wanted to meet gay people to go out... He contacted this guy who slightly reminded me of a young Michael Jackson (before he turned white) due to his fantastic hair and face shape.
He and Pedro were supposed to meet that week for coffee but they recognized each other at the 25 bus stop at Sainsbury's on Lewes Road and introduced themselves on the spot. The situation was a bit uncomfortable for them, meeting a future online date sooner than expected, and for me as well, as I was there too...
Because Pedro had a boyfriend, Chris and him became friends and so we started to hang out... For about 2 years Chris was part of our lives...
The three of us used to go out to Revenge, went for long walks in the countryside, or just bumped into each other on campus and spend the evening together in Falmer bar playing Jenga.... we used to have long conversations about homosexuality, coming out, love and life in general...
Chris and I were both in the 'accepting our sexuality' phase and, in a way, we understood and supported each other... He told me a couple of times about a lesbian friend of his that I needed to meet because we would probably like each other.... but unfortunately, he never introduced me to her.....
One summery day on June 2010, he decided to terminate his life and hanged himself in the woods at the back of Sussex University Campus...
Two days before he did it, we bumped into each other on the 25 bus. It was Friday and I was going to Falmer Bar to work a long shift, so I told him that I will call him that Saturday or Sunday so we could hang out before leaving Brighton...
When we said goodbye I had a very strange and powerful feeling, and the words: "this is the last time I'm going to see him" crossed my mind... I thought that I was not going to see him again because I was moving out of Brighton in a few weeks' time and he was going to Swaziland for the summer the following week...
We both had uncertain futures so I thought that crossing paths again was going to be difficult...
When he got off the bus, I took a "mental picture" of him while he was waving me goodbye..... he was at the same bus stop where we met 2 years ago, looking at me with his big sad eyes.... and I unconsciously perceived that there was something wrong...
That Sunday night, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought that I needed to call Chris... I was feeling bad because I said to him that I was going to call him to hang out, but I didn't in the end as I was very busy with my dissertation and work...
I was taking a lot of shifts at the bar at the time because I needed the money for the summer... so I forgot to call him... The morning after it was already too late to make that call...
When I got the news, I was shocked, in a way, I always thought that Chris and I were very much alike... we both were struggling with our sexuality and coming out but, we both believed in finding someone, probably as a consequence of watching too many Hollywood films. We were also both gay and single and didn't have that much luck in finding love in the past... So, in a way, I related to Chris's state of mind...
I didn't know what to think... He had given up in life... just like this... I didn't know how to react... In 2010, I have to confess that I was also having a tough time myself.... without noticing, I started to slowly isolate my self from the world and that's probably why I didn't notice Chris' depression at the time,
I was in an odd place, I was feeling very lonely and vulnerable... I wasn't happy with my life at the time, but I never considered giving up... his defeat was a big hit for me.....
After his funeral, we went out to Revenge as it was what he would have liked us to do... His whole family was there, his mum, his brothers and sister, his friends and I finally met the 'lesbian' girl that he wanted me to meet... We didn't talk, she approached me on the dance floor... I was covered in tears... she grabbed me and we started kissing...., we didn't talk.... just kissed...
I was drunk as Chris' brother kept buying Tequila shots for everyone... We kept on kissing for a while and I ended up at her place... we talked for hours about life and death and the darkness that we all have inside while sharing a spliff and more booze.... we cuddle for a bit and then went upstairs to her bed and..... (you know I never give details....) Finally, I fell asleep in her bed after several days of insomnia due to Chris' death.......
The morning after, we exchanged phone numbers. We met up that week for an afternoon coffee that turned into a night out at Revenge.... but then she moved back home for the summer and I left Brighton a few weeks after.... so it faded away after that very intense connection that night, probably because of the circumstances...
Nothing good can ever start from a drunk night after a funeral... I know through Facebook that she is now engaged to a guy... I guess that she was one of those "college lesbians" who hung her lumberjack flannels shirts and Dr Martens boots after Uni and paired up with a guy from her hometown to live happily ever after...
I don't really know if this story has any moral... I guess some experiences in life are difficult to understand and I'm still trying to make sense of Chris' death..... But what is clear is that the pressure that society puts on minorities to become who they are hasn't had a big role in Chris' death...
He was a mix-race gay boy living in Swaziland where he was not white enough for the white upper-class parties but not black enough to hang out with the other half... He was also an extremely sensitive gay man trying to find love in the superficial gay men's world in which muscles and one-night stands are the currency...
I know that suicide among the young lesbian, gay, bisexual and/or transgender community is higher than among the general population and Chris was just a victim. I myself briefly thought about ending my life when I realized I was gay, the thought of not following the rules of society, not living up to society's standards and the idea of living isolated because I was following my heart, put that thought into my mind, but fortunately, I never considered it seriously as an option as after all, coming out was more challenging in my mind that what it actually was at the end.....
I can tell you for a fact that: "It gets better" and only with little changes we can aspire to create a society in which minorities of any kind will feel safe to express themselves and to love freely who they want without being judged...
I would like to dedicate this post and picture to Chris as he would have enjoyed crossing the street in this new rainbow that they have painted in Brighton :)!
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