A very AVERAGE date...

Lily's Story:

I received a message from Lily by the end of summer 2013, she just moved to Brighton and she possibly made the typical search through all of the profiles in GaydarGirls and send a few messages around. I don't usually log into that website anymore, is not that it hasn't worked in the past... which it has (see my first online date story), is just that is quite out of date now, the girls in there can be considered as 'the first generation of online dating lesbians'. Most of them might have been out of the market for a while and now they are trying to come back to the scene not knowing that all of the pretty lesbians have moved to other websites with phone applications such as OkCupid or POF... Also, the website on its own is very limited, they have not updated it since I opened my profile, back in 2008, of course as part of my 2008's new year’s resolution: "find a girlfriend..." well, I had that one on the list for the last... decade... anyway.... back to Lily... so, she send me a message and I received it two months later... she attached a picture as she is one of those people that do not have any pictures in her profile... (not a good start with me...)... but she looked nice... so I answered...

My first answer to an online message is usually the same... I don't like to talk online, let's just meet up for a coffee and chat... so, we did...
I had plans for the evening so, we met up early in the afternoon for coffee... We went to a cafe in Kensington Gardens, where I would end up taking my next two online dates too....  probably the people working there might think that I am some kind of psycho 'online dating lesbian' or something... but I like the place, is simple, full of light, and with two doors, one at the front and another one at the back... in case I need to escape (which fortunately it has not happened yet...)... My first impression of Lily could have been better... she was not the girl from her picture and didn't have any taste in combining clothes. She looked as if she was trying too hard to look smart but didn't have anything in her wardrobe and had to borrow clothes from her mother's closet. On top of that, she was also a bit distracted when combining her outfit... she clearly didn't have a mirror in the lobby of her house to check her look before leaving the house (a fact that I confirmed later on). As soon as she appeared, I had a strange sensation that I shouldn't have come to the date, a kind of gut feeling that she was not the right one... However, she was nice, very nice…. and polite... to the point that we ended up having a "robot conversation"... a mix between politeness and kindness, a predictable and boring chat that you have with someone that you just met and you are uncomfortable... It goes something like this:

What do you do? what are your hobbies...? and if no matches on hobbies... move to something else... maybe movies... if no matches here... music... if no agreement... then weather... everyone shares the same views on the weather and this is why it is possible the most popular topic of conversation among strangers... So... there wasn't much connection but she was very nice, cute and even if the sparkle wasn't there, she ticked all the boxes of desired qualities in a girlfriend.... so, there was not a reason for me to reject her as a suitable candidate.... so we decided to meet up again... this time for a drink.

Our second and third dates repeated the same pattern: 1 to 2 hours date full of robot conversation and polite compliments... I thought that... if this is it... this is what mating is in your late twenties when you have left behind the clubbing and alcohol ritual and you are now looking for other qualities in a potential partner... then let's keep on dating... I've been told before that love grows with time so I was not in a rush and I had time to wait... She was nice and had good qualities: didn't smoke, didn't drink too much, had a job, was average intelligent and was kind... so what else could I ask for...???

After a few short dates, we finally planned a dinner night followed by drinks for a Friday night... it was date number 5 so it was "the date" when you make it or break it... it is funny how scheduled love is these days, if you type on Google: “number of dates before kiss/sex...” you will find hundreds of websites with lists of average milestones in a relationship... and that's the problem... they are all AVERAGE... and my dates with Lily were very average... but she was friendly and cute and there was no reason for me to break it up... So, the big date arrived and we went to a Japanese restaurant, we ordered some sushi to share and some imported beer.... a very lesbian choice: ethnic food + fancy beer.... anyway.... we finished eating and I took her to a club, consumed more alcohol... which I always need if I plan on making a move... and then, we went to another place... and more alcohol was consumed... and it was the moment... I had to kiss her so, I did and... It wasn’t there... there was not much feeling... but I said to myself: “it is fine”.... What do you do when you kiss someone nice and attractive but the feeling isn’t there? You don’t want to say something or being in polite, I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable so I keep on kissing her thinking that I had had perhaps too much alcohol… At that point I was drunk and I wanted to go home, it was late... but should I take her home with me...??? While I was still trying to decide what I should do, she kind of followed me walking to almost my place, I guess that she invited herself to the party... so... I didn't argue... I went along with it... Oh no! I just remembered that my room was a mess, very untidy for unexpected visits (I am usually hiper-mega-tidy...., but I had a busy week…) OK, no problem, we had had enough alcohol... so it's fine.... she won't notice...

We went to my place and I put on some music, forgetting that my iTunes is full of embarrassing songs from pop teen bands, cheesy musicals, and TV programs like Glee... She might get the wrong impression... but well.... too late now...... I put my a bit of everything' playlist and tried to forget that I was being judged by my terrible music taste... and I kissed her so she would not focus on the music or notice the mess that my room was... and I thought...  I don't know if I want to have sex with you... not drunk... it seems that these days, in the “online dating” era, sex and alcohol go together... I wanted to be sober and have a special connection and not another meaningless one-night stand.... but well... I was already too drunk.... and the lights were switched off...

After that night, we planned another date for the following weekend, she wanted to cook for me at her place, so I let her cook... and I ate... and I was polite, but I thought.... she needed some advice from her mom to improve her cooking skills... the meat was hard, which means that she didn't get the times right... the sauce was quite plain and without flavour (maybe it was a reflection of our dates...), so she did not put enough species..... but the effort was there... so I recognized it and complimented the effort that went into preparing the meal... and then we watched a movie, already a typical lesbian night after only a few dates...!!! that was not very promising and we both noticed that something wasn't right... we were a bit like lesbian robots... But I kept saying to myself: she ticks all the boxes, she is nice, and even though I did notice that there was no sparkle I have not seen anyone else at the time and she was nice company... My friend Bea said to me once that love grows along the way and that there is no love at first sight.... so, I thought that we could find it sometime along the way, so I was ready to wait... but she wasn't.... the next date, at my house, she broke up with me... a tip for the future: next time that you want to break up with someone, do it in a public place!! If you break up with someone at their house, they can't leave... and of course, in these kinds of situations, I am too polite to kick someone out... even if they have broken my heart... so, I stayed there... waiting for her to get the hint that I wanted her to leave......

However, looking back with perspective, she was right... it was not working out and it was better to stop it earlier... but I wanted so much to have a girlfriend and found love that I was ready to forget that there was no chemistry and wait patiently to find it... I'm not a desperate person, don't get me wrong... I am actually quite successful in getting phone numbers at clubs and getting a high number of messages on dating websites... I am nice... I practice active listening (most of the time)... so, people like to talk to me... I compliment people from the bottom of my heart, so people like to be around me (I think…), I am an honest and loyal friend... and I smile a lot....  so... Why can't I find love?