I tend to sympathize with people that are coming out since for me it was a long and painful process (see My coming our Story post), so through out the years I've been out of the dark closet, I've talked to other gays that were coming out that I had come across.
I helped Martita, a 22 years-old smart dentist with amazing eyes. We met for a beer before a concert few years ago, and we had a coming out chat and I introduced her to my lesbians friends in the scene. She was a fast learner and in no time she was riding the gay night without any supporting wheels. I was very proud of her and very happy when she finally found love.
I've also had an Argentinian project before Martita, but this time he was not ready to come out.
My last and most exciting project was my French handsome housemate, although he was partially out when I met him, I think that he still had some shame and shyness about his sexuality and needed a small push to fully live comfortable in his skin as a gay men. He is doing fantastic these days, he is more relax about revealing his homosexuality openly to strangers and he has also being expanding his network of gay friends, which always helps to feel more accepted and grow.
My last project was Naomi (of course not her real name). She contacted me through OkCupid around the same time that the website was on the news due to the block on Firefox.
She told me that she has never being with a woman but that she was going through a lot of changes in her life and she was ready to be open to new experiences. She was very pretty and I accepted to meet her for coffee at the White Rabbit.
I wanted to help her with her coming out process and perhaps, I would made a new friend in the process. When we met, I had the same feeling that I had with the tall Polish-looking accountant, I could see that she was not in a good place in her life, she looked tired and she was not wearing any makeup to cover up for her deep purple rings, she did not made much effort on her appearance either and I could feel that she was a bit on edge.
I could also feel that she was extremely nervous and when I started to talk about homosexuality and coming out, I could see in her face that she was feeling uncomfortable and wanted to change the subject.
She also had the 'sad eyes', the sad gaze that closeted people have.
I could feel that she was drowning and in need for a rope to hold on too. So, I told her about my coming out story, about how you can be gay but still have a normal life with normal friends and how once you get to know people in the community you will grow as a person because they will provide the emotional support you need and you will ended up accepting yourself and seeing being gay as something completely normal.
The date was short, I finished my earl grey tea and went home.
After that date, it was clear for me that we were in different places in our lives and that we had had a very different backgrounds and way of seeing things, but I wanted to help her.
She looked so sad and lonely, she could be my 'rescue puppy' from the straight main stream society. So I invited her to a day trip to the Seven Sisters (see picture below) with my housemates and other friends.
We walk for hours and we had a nice lunch on the beach. She interacted with my friends and seem more happy and comfortable than in the previous date. I recommended her a few books to read in self-development and social psychology and I could see that she was taking notes.
At some point, she also told me that she was seeing a vegan guy from OkCupid and that since she met him she was also embracing new eating habits.
I guess that she was in need for a change, but starting with an easy step towards a different self was her way of starting her coming out process. I guess that she was just on the process of starting to question her life and the main stream social rules and baby steps were her way of start her journey.
I could see that from her background and type of personality she was not ready to come out as a lesbian yet and needed to start with something small like changing her diet.
We can not all jump out into a new life, some people need baby steps and since she told me that for almost 10 years she had a boyfriend that he was his best friend and protector and she was living under his wings, it made sense that she was feeling very vulnerable on her own and that perhaps, the best thing for the time being was getting an open minded boyfriend, something safe, but at the same time that could help her to experience with little things such veganism and question the society rules little by little before moving on to experience with a bigger change in your life.
After that day, we met once for coffee on a Saturday morning at St. Anne's Well Gardens, they had a small neighborhood festival going on full of Salsa dancers, families with kids and retired pensioners playing petanque.
She suggested the place but I thought that we were a bit out of place, it was definitely a family straight oriented environment in where she probably felt safe but I, as a 'pretending-to-be-Gay-counselor-expert-on-coming-out' could see that she was hiding herself and wanted to blended in.
Once I saw that she was not ready to take on my lecture on 'coming-out', I realized that we had very little to talk about.
We had very different backgrounds and ways of see things, she was also not a big lover of intellectual conversations and for me pretending to get on with someone that seems nice but we don't have much in common is out of my scope.
Life is too short to waste your time with people that don't bring you anything, who don't teach you anything or inspire you in any way. I barely have time for my current friends, so my unconscious plan on adopting a gay puppy to make me feel better about myself and to feel that I was contributing to the gay community was perhaps not a good idea after all.
I went away for a couple of weeks after that coffee morning date in the park, so we lost touch. When I came back, I had already lots in my mind to keep it up with my "save the gays" project and I failed to keep in touch with her.
I am sure that she has being meeting other people from the site and I am sure that she is doing fine, after all she seem to be a very kind-hearted person and she will find her way in this jungle. Although she might need some supporting wheels for the time being. Also, she is living in the most open minded city in the UK so I'm sure that she will be able to come out or just experience with girls if that is what she wants.
PS: I've asked her to complete my survey for the research project that I was doing at that time and she did, I am crossing the line by asking online strangers to participate on my research if they qualify for it?
